Its been a long time. Too long, actually. As I read the last posted entries and realise I ceased existing for almost two years. My voice silenced. My soul imprisoned. And the worse is, it was my choice.
I am back. But not victorious, with my head up high. I return filled with shame. Heartbroken. Collecting scraps of what I used to be and the joy I felt. Piecing together memories of the hopes I had for a bright, happy future.
The future has arrived. And its neither bright nor happy...
Friday, 18 November 2005
Monday, 23 February 2004
My Baby Girl
Oh, yes! She is still my Baby Girl and I love her more and more each day. Last week we had a few (Hmmm... What is the word I am looking for?) minor disagreements... She was under a lot of pressure and so was I. I was missing her terribly and she was very busy chasing university and stuff. As a result, she could not talk much and I felt abandoned. But we talked about it and it was all resolved. Oh, isn't it wonderful when people can talk in a civilized manner?
Talking with J was extremely difficult. She would get defensive or aggressive, always trying to twist things around to make it look like I was the bad guy and she was the poor innocent girl.
Yulia is more mature. She will listen, analyze without heated arguments, acknowledge her own faults and help me see mine without judging me or making me feel bad. When she is right, we both agree. When I am, we agree on that too.
There was one time we were on the phone (these phone calls are so heavy on my pocket but I just can't help it - I gotta talk to her) and she raised her voice. Not violently but still enough for me to notice she was getting stressed. I paused for a moment ad said in a gentle voice:
- There is no need for you to raise your voice, Baby Girl. If you don't want to talk anymore we can talk later.
She apologised so much I felt bad about it. I said it was ok and she said "No. It is not ok. I am so sorry, please forgive me." How can I possibly not love her?
I hope it will be like this forever...
"You may say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one"... (Lennon)
Talking with J was extremely difficult. She would get defensive or aggressive, always trying to twist things around to make it look like I was the bad guy and she was the poor innocent girl.
Yulia is more mature. She will listen, analyze without heated arguments, acknowledge her own faults and help me see mine without judging me or making me feel bad. When she is right, we both agree. When I am, we agree on that too.
There was one time we were on the phone (these phone calls are so heavy on my pocket but I just can't help it - I gotta talk to her) and she raised her voice. Not violently but still enough for me to notice she was getting stressed. I paused for a moment ad said in a gentle voice:
- There is no need for you to raise your voice, Baby Girl. If you don't want to talk anymore we can talk later.
She apologised so much I felt bad about it. I said it was ok and she said "No. It is not ok. I am so sorry, please forgive me." How can I possibly not love her?
I hope it will be like this forever...
"You may say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one"... (Lennon)
Going back to Jakarta
Again. But though I cannot say I am happy and having fun, I must confess it is not as bad as it was before. The reason? The Indian guy that was working with me is gone. His assignment is over. And 'juz lie dat' things got better. Unbelievable but true. And I am not the only one who realized this. The entire team looks happier; more relaxed. Communication got better. Well, the customer still does things in their on pace but it was like that before and it won't change. But before I had to endure the pressure from my 'colleague' because he could not put up with such 'unacceptable behaviour', as he would say. Not anymore. He is gone!!!
He failed to understand the local culture. It is like that. Not every country is fast paced like Singapore and Australia. In the Philippines, Malaysia and Thailand people take their time. The decision process is slow. Indonesia is not different. Well, just as an example, this project was scoped two years ago and it is only being implemented now. How about that? It is the way they do business. You either accept it or bail.
Of course it is in our best interest to finish as fast as we can. Politics and currency in Indonesia are not exactly what you would call stable. Take longer than needed and the government will change, the company directors and/or their minds will change, the economy will change... You got the picture: You will never see your money.
But getting agitated because they are not fast in their dicisions as you would like them to be is useless. They will not change, just get upset with you.
Before I left on Friday I sent an email stating what I needed to proceed with the work this week. I monitored my mail box during the weekend for a reply or at least some indication things were being done. Nothing... I do not have my hopes high. It would be great if they surprised me tomorrow by saying all I asked for is in place but quite honestly I do not see it happening.
"Ossos do ofício", as we say in Portuguese...
He failed to understand the local culture. It is like that. Not every country is fast paced like Singapore and Australia. In the Philippines, Malaysia and Thailand people take their time. The decision process is slow. Indonesia is not different. Well, just as an example, this project was scoped two years ago and it is only being implemented now. How about that? It is the way they do business. You either accept it or bail.
Of course it is in our best interest to finish as fast as we can. Politics and currency in Indonesia are not exactly what you would call stable. Take longer than needed and the government will change, the company directors and/or their minds will change, the economy will change... You got the picture: You will never see your money.
But getting agitated because they are not fast in their dicisions as you would like them to be is useless. They will not change, just get upset with you.
Before I left on Friday I sent an email stating what I needed to proceed with the work this week. I monitored my mail box during the weekend for a reply or at least some indication things were being done. Nothing... I do not have my hopes high. It would be great if they surprised me tomorrow by saying all I asked for is in place but quite honestly I do not see it happening.
"Ossos do ofício", as we say in Portuguese...
Wednesday, 18 February 2004
Security check: Are you kidding me?
Hotel checks, Shopping Mall checks, airports and their nail clippers bans. How pointless and annoying they are. Are Americans to blame?
In the Philippines, every time you go into a shopping mall, a commercial building, a hotel or any similar place, a security guard will ask you to open your bad for checking. They all have this wooden stick they use to move things around a bit in your bag while they take a peak. It's the same everywhere. They are usually polite, unless of course you are rude to them. In hotels, approaching cars are required to open their trunks and mirrors are used to check underneath the car.
It works just the same in Indonesia. My car approaches the hotel security gate, the guard opens the door, says good evening while pointing his flash light to the car floor and than proceeds on checking under the car with his mirrors. After the gate, at the main entrance, another guard will greet me and use a hand held metal detector to scan my backpack.
Strict security so we are all safe. Good, huh? Hmmm... Not exactly. That stupid metal detector is definitely off. It has to be! My back pack is filled with cables, wires, PCMCIA cards, hard disks and other computer parts plus the laptop itself. How come it never triggers the stupid thing and it never beeps?
And are the guards trained in recognizing all different kinds of explosive devices that can be attached to the floor of a car? Do they really know what they are looking for? Can they spot it within the 30 seconds they take to examine the car with their small mirrors?
How come they open the trunk but never the bags in it? If I were a terrorist carrying a bomb would I be so stupid to leave it in the open, exposed o everyone could see it? Do terrorists put signs on their bombs saying "This is a bomb: Do not touch!"?
And what are those guys at the malls looking for in women's purses and/or my bags? Probably those ACME explosives we see in Road Runner cartoons. Big dynamite packs with a analogue clock attached to it, right? It has to be. After all, real explosives could be stored in small cigarette packages that they never check. Mission Impossible 1 & 2, Triple X and all James Bond series teach us that a small piece of C4 - plastic explosive - can be detonated with a 1.5 volt battery and knock down an entire building. Pretty much damage for such a little thing. It is so small it could be concealed in a wrist watch and use the watch itself as a detonator.
In airports, security is taken seriously when you are checking in bags and stuff. That is good. I do not mind that at all. But after the World Trade Centre attack in USA - you know, the 911 thing - sometimes security staff really cross the line of tough security and start being seriously ridiculous.
C'mon, man! How much damage can one do with a nail clipper?! "Mr. Pilot, I am warning you!!! If you don't change the course of this plane right now I will be forced to manicure all the passengers!!!"
I am no expert but aren't there two types off terrorists? The skilled ones and the dumb farts? Like, the dumb farts are those brain damaged that someone else manages to convince strapping a bomb to the chest and blowing it up in the middle of a crowd is going to guarantee them something, be it a happy after life in paradise (sitting to the right side of the Lord - which by the way should be a very crowded place since no one wants to sit by his left side) or comfort to the surviving family (as if they could check and make sure - you're gonna be dead, mate!). These are just as harmful as the devices they carry.
Now, the skilled ones... Ooooh, those are mean SOBs!!! They were trained. They know what they are doing. They know combat techniques, they have fighting abilities, they can endure pain and will stop for nothing. They are indeed killing machines. Trained specifically for that. Killing. Like Green Barrettes, Navy Seals... Oops! Did I mention only American special forces? I am so sorry...
Anyway, these guys do not need a nail clipper to be armed and dangerous. They are armed and dangerous even if stripped naked. They will create havoc and damage with whatever is available. Even if it is some poor guy's dead body! Do you really think they care if you take their nasal hair trimmer away from them???
"Oh, Geez... The mission failed, they found my small emery board!"
Yeah, right! I am yet to find out how those hijackers from the 911 incident got in the plane so heavily armed. Some say it was not an external job but rather a way to boost a sufferering economy. Money talks, you know. Loud, we should add.
There is this German politician who was dismissed from his post because he really believed it was all orchestrated by the USA government itself, though they never expected it to get to such a huge proportion (Oops! Bad planning!). He even wrote a book about it. Who can you trust? I don’t know...
In the Philippines, every time you go into a shopping mall, a commercial building, a hotel or any similar place, a security guard will ask you to open your bad for checking. They all have this wooden stick they use to move things around a bit in your bag while they take a peak. It's the same everywhere. They are usually polite, unless of course you are rude to them. In hotels, approaching cars are required to open their trunks and mirrors are used to check underneath the car.
It works just the same in Indonesia. My car approaches the hotel security gate, the guard opens the door, says good evening while pointing his flash light to the car floor and than proceeds on checking under the car with his mirrors. After the gate, at the main entrance, another guard will greet me and use a hand held metal detector to scan my backpack.
Strict security so we are all safe. Good, huh? Hmmm... Not exactly. That stupid metal detector is definitely off. It has to be! My back pack is filled with cables, wires, PCMCIA cards, hard disks and other computer parts plus the laptop itself. How come it never triggers the stupid thing and it never beeps?
And are the guards trained in recognizing all different kinds of explosive devices that can be attached to the floor of a car? Do they really know what they are looking for? Can they spot it within the 30 seconds they take to examine the car with their small mirrors?
How come they open the trunk but never the bags in it? If I were a terrorist carrying a bomb would I be so stupid to leave it in the open, exposed o everyone could see it? Do terrorists put signs on their bombs saying "This is a bomb: Do not touch!"?
And what are those guys at the malls looking for in women's purses and/or my bags? Probably those ACME explosives we see in Road Runner cartoons. Big dynamite packs with a analogue clock attached to it, right? It has to be. After all, real explosives could be stored in small cigarette packages that they never check. Mission Impossible 1 & 2, Triple X and all James Bond series teach us that a small piece of C4 - plastic explosive - can be detonated with a 1.5 volt battery and knock down an entire building. Pretty much damage for such a little thing. It is so small it could be concealed in a wrist watch and use the watch itself as a detonator.
In airports, security is taken seriously when you are checking in bags and stuff. That is good. I do not mind that at all. But after the World Trade Centre attack in USA - you know, the 911 thing - sometimes security staff really cross the line of tough security and start being seriously ridiculous.
C'mon, man! How much damage can one do with a nail clipper?! "Mr. Pilot, I am warning you!!! If you don't change the course of this plane right now I will be forced to manicure all the passengers!!!"
I am no expert but aren't there two types off terrorists? The skilled ones and the dumb farts? Like, the dumb farts are those brain damaged that someone else manages to convince strapping a bomb to the chest and blowing it up in the middle of a crowd is going to guarantee them something, be it a happy after life in paradise (sitting to the right side of the Lord - which by the way should be a very crowded place since no one wants to sit by his left side) or comfort to the surviving family (as if they could check and make sure - you're gonna be dead, mate!). These are just as harmful as the devices they carry.
Now, the skilled ones... Ooooh, those are mean SOBs!!! They were trained. They know what they are doing. They know combat techniques, they have fighting abilities, they can endure pain and will stop for nothing. They are indeed killing machines. Trained specifically for that. Killing. Like Green Barrettes, Navy Seals... Oops! Did I mention only American special forces? I am so sorry...
Anyway, these guys do not need a nail clipper to be armed and dangerous. They are armed and dangerous even if stripped naked. They will create havoc and damage with whatever is available. Even if it is some poor guy's dead body! Do you really think they care if you take their nasal hair trimmer away from them???
"Oh, Geez... The mission failed, they found my small emery board!"
Yeah, right! I am yet to find out how those hijackers from the 911 incident got in the plane so heavily armed. Some say it was not an external job but rather a way to boost a sufferering economy. Money talks, you know. Loud, we should add.
There is this German politician who was dismissed from his post because he really believed it was all orchestrated by the USA government itself, though they never expected it to get to such a huge proportion (Oops! Bad planning!). He even wrote a book about it. Who can you trust? I don’t know...
What is happening to the world?!?
It was in the Asian Wall Street Journal today: Maids are being beaten in Singapore and Hong Kong. The article was quite shocking. It started describing how an Indonesian maid was kicked and punched so badly that she had internal haemorrhage due to liver rupture. The employer was indicted and is currently serving 5 years in a correctional institution. The article went on explaining why these poor girls endure such harsh treatments from their employers, how they come from small villages and the opportunity to work and provide for their families just cannot be passed as even the smallest monthly salary paid is more than they would do in one entire year. How frightened they are to report abuse fearing they will loose their jobs and be deported. It is a very sad situation. But what is even sadder is that it is common.
How can educated people from Singapore and Hong Kong behave like this? Have we completely lost reasoning? What kind of perverted mind would be willing to kick and punch someone till their internal organs burst? You don't do this to animals let alone human beings.
So they get upset because lunch was late, their shirts are not properly ironed, their floors are not shiny and perfectly clean and they beat their maids to death??? I just don't understand...
In Singapore the government is launching campaigns to educate people on how to treat maids. A good start... Hey, hold on a second! Isn't it supposed to be obvious this kind of inhuman behaviour is not acceptable? Do we really have to tell people: "Listen, you can fire her but do not bludgeon her"?
Remember, we are not talking about some isolated incident where two guy got into a fight and got carried away in the heat of the moment. We are talking about physically abusing someone who lives in your house, takes care of your children, prepares your food. How can someone be so cruel intentionally???
Yes... We seems to have lost common sense. We have become so incredibly commercialized that we now think money can buy anything and life is something as disposable as yesterday's news paper. Welcome to the uncivilized civilized world we live in.
"I don't know why the world keeps turning round and round, but I wish it would stop and let me out now"... (Marshal Mathers)
How can educated people from Singapore and Hong Kong behave like this? Have we completely lost reasoning? What kind of perverted mind would be willing to kick and punch someone till their internal organs burst? You don't do this to animals let alone human beings.
So they get upset because lunch was late, their shirts are not properly ironed, their floors are not shiny and perfectly clean and they beat their maids to death??? I just don't understand...
In Singapore the government is launching campaigns to educate people on how to treat maids. A good start... Hey, hold on a second! Isn't it supposed to be obvious this kind of inhuman behaviour is not acceptable? Do we really have to tell people: "Listen, you can fire her but do not bludgeon her"?
Remember, we are not talking about some isolated incident where two guy got into a fight and got carried away in the heat of the moment. We are talking about physically abusing someone who lives in your house, takes care of your children, prepares your food. How can someone be so cruel intentionally???
Yes... We seems to have lost common sense. We have become so incredibly commercialized that we now think money can buy anything and life is something as disposable as yesterday's news paper. Welcome to the uncivilized civilized world we live in.
"I don't know why the world keeps turning round and round, but I wish it would stop and let me out now"... (Marshal Mathers)
Friday, 13 February 2004
People SARS should have taken
This is what Fiona would have said about this guy I'm working with in the Indonesian project. Oh, I miss Fiona... She could be quite sharp, even harsh at times but once you learned how to deal with her and recognise her moods, oh it would be hard to find such loyal friend. She would always help me out of sheer kindness. She would also have comical remarks about things. Had she met this Indian guy, I'm sure she would have scolded him back to his insignificance. "Never mind him, lah!", she would have said, "These are the people SARS should have taken but didn't...".
I'm tired. Depressed as I haven't been in quite a while. My back pain and cramps have returned. The soles of my feet hurt when I walk. Classical symptoms of stress. I started taking my tranquilizers again. I had to! I was about to tell this guy to shove an entire sacred cow up his vegetarian Indian ass!!! Oh, boy... That would be really rude... But it certainly would lower my blood pressure. I feel delighted just to imagine his face and reactions! Haha!
Geez, to think that some people actually believe I'm a good person!
Anyway, those pills do work. After I started taking them I did not care much about his bullshit anymore. As it usually happens, my lack of response to his provocations got him pissed and he started trying harder to get me to really explode. I can proudly say he failed, even after acting bossy and raising his voice to me today. I was just too stoned to bother. I just said very calmly "Please, mate, I beg you: do keep your voice down. Shouting with me will not help any". It might have turned something off inside him because he did lower his tone to acceptable levels though he kept bitching.
The guys from the VAR and the customer are starting to realize I'm not the jerk he was so willingly trying to depict me to be. Unfortunately these guys are not on the management layer. They are the hands-on guys who will have little or no say when the time comes to praise those who actually did the job. He shields me from the big guys. And to them, I'm just the guy Genesys sent to work under the “expert”… Good, huh?
I'm tired. Depressed as I haven't been in quite a while. My back pain and cramps have returned. The soles of my feet hurt when I walk. Classical symptoms of stress. I started taking my tranquilizers again. I had to! I was about to tell this guy to shove an entire sacred cow up his vegetarian Indian ass!!! Oh, boy... That would be really rude... But it certainly would lower my blood pressure. I feel delighted just to imagine his face and reactions! Haha!
Geez, to think that some people actually believe I'm a good person!
Anyway, those pills do work. After I started taking them I did not care much about his bullshit anymore. As it usually happens, my lack of response to his provocations got him pissed and he started trying harder to get me to really explode. I can proudly say he failed, even after acting bossy and raising his voice to me today. I was just too stoned to bother. I just said very calmly "Please, mate, I beg you: do keep your voice down. Shouting with me will not help any". It might have turned something off inside him because he did lower his tone to acceptable levels though he kept bitching.
The guys from the VAR and the customer are starting to realize I'm not the jerk he was so willingly trying to depict me to be. Unfortunately these guys are not on the management layer. They are the hands-on guys who will have little or no say when the time comes to praise those who actually did the job. He shields me from the big guys. And to them, I'm just the guy Genesys sent to work under the “expert”… Good, huh?
Thursday, 5 February 2004
Visiting Jakarta
So, I said I was going to talk about the trip to Indonesia... I am afraid, so far, I do not have good things to say. And I don't see it getting any better.
You see, when I was told about this project I wasn't too excited about it even though it would be an opportunity to visit a place I haven't been before. Previous experiences I had with Indonesians did not end too well (Did I ever mention my crazy neighbour and her friends? I think I did.) and being it is a Muslim country just like Malaysia, I sort of expected the worst.
Of course all the terrorist attacks (the Marriot Hotel, the Bali bombing etc) plus the Avian Influenza, also known as Bird Flu, and its recent outbreak in the country did not help make things look any better. But... I thought "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" and kept my resolution not to become one of those guys who choose what projects they want to be involved with. I was hired to do a job - I will do it to the best of my capabilities.
What I did not expect was t be working under a contractor as if I was a new hire, to be dealing with a project scoped two years ago and to find out the project I was originally involved was given to someone who can not improve on what has already been done. Makes me think I was really sent here because no one else was foolish enough to accept the assignment.
If I was unhappy before, it just got worst. The contractor working with me has some serious cravings for control. After my suggestions were ignored and knocked down a couple of times and after he claimed ownership of the project to himself, making sure he is the single point of contact on our company's side, I just gave up trying to defend our interests. If my management thinks he is capable of doing it (and I was told so) it is ok by me.
You see, when I was told about this project I wasn't too excited about it even though it would be an opportunity to visit a place I haven't been before. Previous experiences I had with Indonesians did not end too well (Did I ever mention my crazy neighbour and her friends? I think I did.) and being it is a Muslim country just like Malaysia, I sort of expected the worst.
Of course all the terrorist attacks (the Marriot Hotel, the Bali bombing etc) plus the Avian Influenza, also known as Bird Flu, and its recent outbreak in the country did not help make things look any better. But... I thought "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do" and kept my resolution not to become one of those guys who choose what projects they want to be involved with. I was hired to do a job - I will do it to the best of my capabilities.
What I did not expect was t be working under a contractor as if I was a new hire, to be dealing with a project scoped two years ago and to find out the project I was originally involved was given to someone who can not improve on what has already been done. Makes me think I was really sent here because no one else was foolish enough to accept the assignment.
If I was unhappy before, it just got worst. The contractor working with me has some serious cravings for control. After my suggestions were ignored and knocked down a couple of times and after he claimed ownership of the project to himself, making sure he is the single point of contact on our company's side, I just gave up trying to defend our interests. If my management thinks he is capable of doing it (and I was told so) it is ok by me.
Flowers to Mom
Yesterday was Yulia's Mom's birthday. I had sent flowers the day before and quite to my surprise they were indeed delivered on time. Yulia sent me an SMS saying they were so beautiful, so beautiful - the most beautiful bouquet of flowers she had ever seen. After that comment, and given they were cheaper than the flowers I usually send her, I asked: "Are they more beautiful then the flowers I sent you?"
We started a small quarrel and I wish I had kept quiet.
- "The flowers you sent me were beautiful..."
- "Sure, but this is not what I asked, Baby."
- "I liked the flowers you sent me."
- "Darling, I know. But you can tell me honestly. Are these better than the ones I sent you? Because they were half the price. If you tell me they are more beautiful, then either I chose the wrong bouquet to send you or the flower company screwed up with your order. Are these more beautiful?"
- "Well, the other one was very beautiful too."
- "Ok... Your avoidance to answer is an answer by itself."
This was all via SMS. So, there was a 20 minutes or so pause and then she sent me a frown.
- "Why the sad face, Babe? What happened?"
- "I am sad."
"Here we go", I thought.
- "Tell me why you are sad, Sweetheart."
- "Because you don't believe me."
Yep... I asked for it now I was going to have it. It took me sometime to voice my annoyance with her refusal to answer a simple question. I asked "are they better" and a short yes or no would be just fine as an answer. But that was too much to ask. I told her I should be disappointed - not her. As she is going to be my Wife, I want to be able to count on her for opinions and suggestions.
Then she started explaining the bouquet was just nice but, to her, every new bouquet is a new thrill, hence always the most beautiful one etc etc etc.
I said it was ok. There was no need to explain. And of course she started again.
Let me give you guys out there a little piece of advice: A woman always has the last say in an argument. Whatever you say after that is just the beginning of a new argument. Keep that in mind and your mouth shut.
We started a small quarrel and I wish I had kept quiet.
- "The flowers you sent me were beautiful..."
- "Sure, but this is not what I asked, Baby."
- "I liked the flowers you sent me."
- "Darling, I know. But you can tell me honestly. Are these better than the ones I sent you? Because they were half the price. If you tell me they are more beautiful, then either I chose the wrong bouquet to send you or the flower company screwed up with your order. Are these more beautiful?"
- "Well, the other one was very beautiful too."
- "Ok... Your avoidance to answer is an answer by itself."
This was all via SMS. So, there was a 20 minutes or so pause and then she sent me a frown.
- "Why the sad face, Babe? What happened?"
- "I am sad."
"Here we go", I thought.
- "Tell me why you are sad, Sweetheart."
- "Because you don't believe me."
Yep... I asked for it now I was going to have it. It took me sometime to voice my annoyance with her refusal to answer a simple question. I asked "are they better" and a short yes or no would be just fine as an answer. But that was too much to ask. I told her I should be disappointed - not her. As she is going to be my Wife, I want to be able to count on her for opinions and suggestions.
Then she started explaining the bouquet was just nice but, to her, every new bouquet is a new thrill, hence always the most beautiful one etc etc etc.
I said it was ok. There was no need to explain. And of course she started again.
Let me give you guys out there a little piece of advice: A woman always has the last say in an argument. Whatever you say after that is just the beginning of a new argument. Keep that in mind and your mouth shut.
What happened to the Muslim pride?
Will someone please tell me? They are so religious and self righteous, shouldn’t they take responsibility for their own “goods and bads”? I have this feeling Muslims are always blaming other people for the poor management of their own countries. Their own poor management. Let me explain...
Remember the water dispute between Singapore and Malaysia? How Malaysia was playing the 'Oh, they are soon mean to us' kind of act? Remember I told you about Malaysian’s benefits in Singapore? How the government protect their rights ensuring they always have spaces in schools and apartment flats?
Well, here I am in Jakarta, a rundown version of Malaysia with things working pretty much the same way (Good Lord! Can this be?). I meet this guy, very intelligent, very eloquent and we start talking about the country a bit. Five minutes into the conversation he starts bashing Japan and Korea. "These guys come here and steal our mineral resources", he says. Conversation goes on. Another 3 minutes and he says "Yeah, that Bali incident was indeed bad. It is not right to kill people, but did you know that bar that was bombed was a bar just for white people? They would not allow locals or anyone who was not either Australian or American, the WASPs, to go in. And they treated the local community very badly"... I just listen. "You would not be allowed in either!", he finally states referring to my gorgeously sexy sun-tanned skin (Erm... Sorry about this last burst of auto-appraisal).
The conversation goes on and he starts bashing someone else... I start thinking - What the heck!?
But he did defend someone. He defended women from a certain region. Word of mouth says they are lazy and he was explaining this is not exactly accurate. He said those women wake up at 3am to go to the farms. They work until sun-rise and them return home to sleep some more. That is why they are asleep until 1 or 2pm. Then, foreigners unfairly say they are lazy. Well, given the circumstances, I agreed it would be unfair label them without proper understanding of their life style. Nevertheless, after he had bad mouthed so many nationalities, I did not put much effort on my agreement and understanding.
I'm a jerk, I know...
Remember the water dispute between Singapore and Malaysia? How Malaysia was playing the 'Oh, they are soon mean to us' kind of act? Remember I told you about Malaysian’s benefits in Singapore? How the government protect their rights ensuring they always have spaces in schools and apartment flats?
Well, here I am in Jakarta, a rundown version of Malaysia with things working pretty much the same way (Good Lord! Can this be?). I meet this guy, very intelligent, very eloquent and we start talking about the country a bit. Five minutes into the conversation he starts bashing Japan and Korea. "These guys come here and steal our mineral resources", he says. Conversation goes on. Another 3 minutes and he says "Yeah, that Bali incident was indeed bad. It is not right to kill people, but did you know that bar that was bombed was a bar just for white people? They would not allow locals or anyone who was not either Australian or American, the WASPs, to go in. And they treated the local community very badly"... I just listen. "You would not be allowed in either!", he finally states referring to my gorgeously sexy sun-tanned skin (Erm... Sorry about this last burst of auto-appraisal).
The conversation goes on and he starts bashing someone else... I start thinking - What the heck!?
But he did defend someone. He defended women from a certain region. Word of mouth says they are lazy and he was explaining this is not exactly accurate. He said those women wake up at 3am to go to the farms. They work until sun-rise and them return home to sleep some more. That is why they are asleep until 1 or 2pm. Then, foreigners unfairly say they are lazy. Well, given the circumstances, I agreed it would be unfair label them without proper understanding of their life style. Nevertheless, after he had bad mouthed so many nationalities, I did not put much effort on my agreement and understanding.
I'm a jerk, I know...
Monday, 2 February 2004
Tales of an abandoned blog
My poor blog has been so neglected lately, poor thing. But things have been so strange after I returned from beautiful Russia and the arms of my loved one. I meant to write but there is so much catching up to do!
I will probably upload this post first and then update and upload the posts already started and never submitted. So, let us see... Current status? Elated. Pretty much, yes. Reason? Yulia! Who else? If l had to make one single complain somehow associated to her, it would definitely be her physical absence by my side; something beyond her control... My sweet baby.
I certainty do not want to become mono-thematic but she is just incredibly adorable. Seems God took pity on my suffering and decided to put an angel in my life. I've been blessed with her company.
She is so special I'm forced to re-learn relationships. Is there a course 'Relationships 1-O-1'? Or even an "Idiot's Guide to Relationships"? I need those. The spirit of past failures haunts me and sometimes I do stupid things out of sheer insecurity. She just smiles kindly, holding my hand and assuring me she is not the same girls l had before. Oh, how l love her!
Let me give you an example of my stupidity and her graciousness. When was it? Sometime last week, I believe. Yes; that's correct. It was Friday last week. I had returned from the Philippines. Before I went to Indonesia (hmmm... More on that trip on a different post). It was her cousin's birthday. She said her family was going to the party at her aunt's house and would spend the night there. Next day they were going to have a BBQ/pick nick with her cousin's friends.
We exchanged SMS throughout the party. Her auntie, who liked me very much, sent regards and wished I was there. They all did. I really felt home sick, wishing so much l could be there with them. We agreed that next day she would send me a message when she woke up.
I woke up Saturday at noon. Still early for her since she is three hours behind. I could send her a message but l did not want to wake her up, my sweet babe. So l waited for her SMS. I took my morning shower (Erm... Afternoon, in that case) and prepared to go groceries shopping. When I was about to leave, I sent her a message. It was almost 2pm but given she was in a party with her family, I figured she had gone to bed late and was probably still asleep.
From Carrefour I sent her another message. "Is my baby still asleep?" No reply... That was odd. It was past 3pm. Could it be that she was still sleeping? I started to wonder. Memories of J's behaviour started to pop in my mind... I fought them as much as l could but by 5pm l was filled with doubts. Did she forget about me? Did she leave her phone behind? Why wasn't she replying?
I got back home and first thing l did was check my emails. Nothing from her. I stopped giving her excuses. I was obvious she had totally forgotten about me. She was having fun. Why would she bother thinking of me, so far away? If she wanted to send me a message, she could have. If her mobile was out of batteries, she could have borrowed her cousin's. Or anyone else's for that matter. She just did not care enough.
I tried to forget about it. I stored all the groceries, grabbed a can of diet coke and sat down to watch the telly a bit. But nagging demons insisted in bringing the thought back to my head. ''Oh, poor you. You're back at it again. I bet she is having a wonderful time without you."
I gave in to madness and wrote her an email complaining. "Are you taking me for granted already?" - I asked. I sent the message and again tried to keep my mind away from the matter. Anger started to give place to worry around 7pm. I sent another email. What if something bad had happened? Damn, I hate not knowing things!
Then, my mobile rang and the familiar voice on the other end said "Babe, can you call me?" l did.
She said everyone was still at the BBQ but she was worried because l did not reply to her messages. She had sent so many during the day, even using her cousin's mobile and her cousin's girlfriend’s mobile, thinking perhaps it was her phone that wasn't sending the messages.
- "Did you get my messages?"
- "No. Did you send me messages?"
- "Yes. A couple. Even two angry emails..."
- "Angry? Why, Darling? Why were you angry?"
- "Oh, well... We agreed you would SMS me when you woke up!"
- "And I did, Love. It was the first thing I did!"
- "But l did not get any messages all day!"
- "Oh, poor babe. I am so sorry, but l sent you so many messages... I was sad all day because l did not receive news from you. That's why I asked Dad to bring me back. I wasn't having fun there. I was missing you. I wanted to talk to you. Why didn't you call me?"
How could I tell her I didn't because I am a stupid insecure asshole?
- "I did not want to disturb... I thought you were probably having fun and had forgotten about me..."
- "Oh, Darling... How can l possibly have fun if you're not with me?!?"
We talked and even tried SMSing while still on the phone. It wasn't working. She did not get my emails either - no internet access from her cousin's house. I told her maybe she shouldn't read the emails. She said she would delete them... After reading of course. But she would not be upset since the situation was resolved. I agreed to call again later, before going to bed. She would be home then.
Not even two hours after we spoke, my phone started beeping like crazy. One after the other I received 18 SMSs. Some from phone numbers l did not know but all from her. All with the time stamp when she sent it. The first, from around 10am said "Good morning, my love. How l wish l was waking up by your side. I miss you so much." How bad is that?
After 10 minutes or so, there came another message. It said "I am home, Sweetheart. I hope you receive this message." I really don't know why messages were not being sent. Maybe the mobile cell she had where the BBQ was being held (which was far from the city) did not have SMS capabilities? I really don't know if there is such thing but as soon as she got home, all messages previously sent were delivered. Felt shitty, of course.
Different girl. Different game. The rules are fair to both parties now. All I have to do is relax and trust her more. Or I will risk loosing her...
I will probably upload this post first and then update and upload the posts already started and never submitted. So, let us see... Current status? Elated. Pretty much, yes. Reason? Yulia! Who else? If l had to make one single complain somehow associated to her, it would definitely be her physical absence by my side; something beyond her control... My sweet baby.
I certainty do not want to become mono-thematic but she is just incredibly adorable. Seems God took pity on my suffering and decided to put an angel in my life. I've been blessed with her company.
She is so special I'm forced to re-learn relationships. Is there a course 'Relationships 1-O-1'? Or even an "Idiot's Guide to Relationships"? I need those. The spirit of past failures haunts me and sometimes I do stupid things out of sheer insecurity. She just smiles kindly, holding my hand and assuring me she is not the same girls l had before. Oh, how l love her!
Let me give you an example of my stupidity and her graciousness. When was it? Sometime last week, I believe. Yes; that's correct. It was Friday last week. I had returned from the Philippines. Before I went to Indonesia (hmmm... More on that trip on a different post). It was her cousin's birthday. She said her family was going to the party at her aunt's house and would spend the night there. Next day they were going to have a BBQ/pick nick with her cousin's friends.
We exchanged SMS throughout the party. Her auntie, who liked me very much, sent regards and wished I was there. They all did. I really felt home sick, wishing so much l could be there with them. We agreed that next day she would send me a message when she woke up.
I woke up Saturday at noon. Still early for her since she is three hours behind. I could send her a message but l did not want to wake her up, my sweet babe. So l waited for her SMS. I took my morning shower (Erm... Afternoon, in that case) and prepared to go groceries shopping. When I was about to leave, I sent her a message. It was almost 2pm but given she was in a party with her family, I figured she had gone to bed late and was probably still asleep.
From Carrefour I sent her another message. "Is my baby still asleep?" No reply... That was odd. It was past 3pm. Could it be that she was still sleeping? I started to wonder. Memories of J's behaviour started to pop in my mind... I fought them as much as l could but by 5pm l was filled with doubts. Did she forget about me? Did she leave her phone behind? Why wasn't she replying?
I got back home and first thing l did was check my emails. Nothing from her. I stopped giving her excuses. I was obvious she had totally forgotten about me. She was having fun. Why would she bother thinking of me, so far away? If she wanted to send me a message, she could have. If her mobile was out of batteries, she could have borrowed her cousin's. Or anyone else's for that matter. She just did not care enough.
I tried to forget about it. I stored all the groceries, grabbed a can of diet coke and sat down to watch the telly a bit. But nagging demons insisted in bringing the thought back to my head. ''Oh, poor you. You're back at it again. I bet she is having a wonderful time without you."
I gave in to madness and wrote her an email complaining. "Are you taking me for granted already?" - I asked. I sent the message and again tried to keep my mind away from the matter. Anger started to give place to worry around 7pm. I sent another email. What if something bad had happened? Damn, I hate not knowing things!
Then, my mobile rang and the familiar voice on the other end said "Babe, can you call me?" l did.
She said everyone was still at the BBQ but she was worried because l did not reply to her messages. She had sent so many during the day, even using her cousin's mobile and her cousin's girlfriend’s mobile, thinking perhaps it was her phone that wasn't sending the messages.
- "Did you get my messages?"
- "No. Did you send me messages?"
- "Yes. A couple. Even two angry emails..."
- "Angry? Why, Darling? Why were you angry?"
- "Oh, well... We agreed you would SMS me when you woke up!"
- "And I did, Love. It was the first thing I did!"
- "But l did not get any messages all day!"
- "Oh, poor babe. I am so sorry, but l sent you so many messages... I was sad all day because l did not receive news from you. That's why I asked Dad to bring me back. I wasn't having fun there. I was missing you. I wanted to talk to you. Why didn't you call me?"
How could I tell her I didn't because I am a stupid insecure asshole?
- "I did not want to disturb... I thought you were probably having fun and had forgotten about me..."
- "Oh, Darling... How can l possibly have fun if you're not with me?!?"
We talked and even tried SMSing while still on the phone. It wasn't working. She did not get my emails either - no internet access from her cousin's house. I told her maybe she shouldn't read the emails. She said she would delete them... After reading of course. But she would not be upset since the situation was resolved. I agreed to call again later, before going to bed. She would be home then.
Not even two hours after we spoke, my phone started beeping like crazy. One after the other I received 18 SMSs. Some from phone numbers l did not know but all from her. All with the time stamp when she sent it. The first, from around 10am said "Good morning, my love. How l wish l was waking up by your side. I miss you so much." How bad is that?
After 10 minutes or so, there came another message. It said "I am home, Sweetheart. I hope you receive this message." I really don't know why messages were not being sent. Maybe the mobile cell she had where the BBQ was being held (which was far from the city) did not have SMS capabilities? I really don't know if there is such thing but as soon as she got home, all messages previously sent were delivered. Felt shitty, of course.
Different girl. Different game. The rules are fair to both parties now. All I have to do is relax and trust her more. Or I will risk loosing her...
Tuesday, 6 January 2004
The wait in Istanbul
The flight from Moscow to Istanbul was more than two hours delayed but it didn't really matter much. My flight to Singapore was only 21:45 and we arrived 17:30. I had plenty of time to sort my feelings out (or at least part of them), walk around the airport trying to find some nice spices and exchange some SMSs with Yulia.
I was in a grumpy mood and told her that. What I didn't tell her is that she was partially responsible for such mood. Well, not directly - I must say - but indirectly, it was the fact she didn't seem to miss me as much as l missed her that got me upset. Again, not only that but that too.
I started again thinking about the "Mr. Nice Guy" thing. I believe I mentioned this before. Yeah... I think I did. Girls don't like good guys. Good guys are not the 'alpha male'. They all want to find a romantic type, polite and educated, that will treat them as princesses... However, they just can't resist the 'bad guys'. The ones that do not call the day after, the ones that keep them on their toes not knowing whether they are cheating on them or not.
I am the nice guy. Looking for everlasting love. Before Yulia knew that she would SMS me all the time. Now that I have showered her with kisses, caresses and promises of sweet long lasting love, she feels safe. She knows I love her. There's no need to always keep me near, after all "I am hers already".
So she apologised for not replying. She was a bit busy. Please don't get me wrong. As I said before, I do not expect her to be available all the time for me. I cannot do the same for her either. But things changed. They are different. Is this the beginning of our problems? Will she become just like Juliana? Contacting me will cease to be a voluntary action to become a mandatory annoyance? Is it me the one to blame? Am I suffocating them with my constant need for attention? Is it wrong to expect this attention from them when I am all attention to them?
Well, if I am suffocating Yulia, I don't want to do that... So I sent a quick message to say the plane had arrived, that I missed her, that I loved her and that I would SMS again when I arrived in Bangkok. After that I switched off my phone and did not wait for a reply. I'm sure she said something but I didn't want to see it. I'll check in Bangkok, ten hours from now...
I was in a grumpy mood and told her that. What I didn't tell her is that she was partially responsible for such mood. Well, not directly - I must say - but indirectly, it was the fact she didn't seem to miss me as much as l missed her that got me upset. Again, not only that but that too.
I started again thinking about the "Mr. Nice Guy" thing. I believe I mentioned this before. Yeah... I think I did. Girls don't like good guys. Good guys are not the 'alpha male'. They all want to find a romantic type, polite and educated, that will treat them as princesses... However, they just can't resist the 'bad guys'. The ones that do not call the day after, the ones that keep them on their toes not knowing whether they are cheating on them or not.
I am the nice guy. Looking for everlasting love. Before Yulia knew that she would SMS me all the time. Now that I have showered her with kisses, caresses and promises of sweet long lasting love, she feels safe. She knows I love her. There's no need to always keep me near, after all "I am hers already".
So she apologised for not replying. She was a bit busy. Please don't get me wrong. As I said before, I do not expect her to be available all the time for me. I cannot do the same for her either. But things changed. They are different. Is this the beginning of our problems? Will she become just like Juliana? Contacting me will cease to be a voluntary action to become a mandatory annoyance? Is it me the one to blame? Am I suffocating them with my constant need for attention? Is it wrong to expect this attention from them when I am all attention to them?
Well, if I am suffocating Yulia, I don't want to do that... So I sent a quick message to say the plane had arrived, that I missed her, that I loved her and that I would SMS again when I arrived in Bangkok. After that I switched off my phone and did not wait for a reply. I'm sure she said something but I didn't want to see it. I'll check in Bangkok, ten hours from now...
Good Lord; help me cope...
... cope with these feelings I have. The feeling of missing her. The feeling of abandonment. The feeling things might change now that I am leaving. The insecurity associated with the fact she is so young.
I am at the airport. Where else do I write, anyway? Seems I only manage to update my blog on planes or airports. The flight to Istanbul is delayed. The lady from Turkish Airlines said there were problems in Istanbul and all flights were delayed. No further explanation. I just hope it has nothing to do with the war in Iraq.
I called Yulia a she did not pick up the call. I figured she did not hear the phone so I sent an SMS saying I had called and when she was free she could SMS me back. She did, shortly after. Said indeed she did not hear the phone. She was on the way to the skiing station with her cousin and friends.
I cannot expect life to be any different for her now that I am going away, can I? She will resume doing things she does normally. After all, she is having her school recess. She should be enjoying herself.
But I can't help but wonder whether I was a burden to her during these two weeks as I changed her life completely. Of course she did not act as if I was a burden. She seemed very happy. Acted very happy. Said she was happy. But I still wonder...
I guess I have serious problems. I found out I am obsessive compulsive and seems I am also manic depressive. Needy. Is it normal to need attention like this? Is it ok to feel left alone when I am stuck in the airport and she is having fun?
It is a weird feeling the one I have. Of course I always want her to have fun. I always want her to be happy. But part of me insists there is something wrong. I know I should feel embarrassed for feeling abandoned. It is not her fault the flights are delayed. It's not her fault I am stuck here with nothing to do. Should she keep me company via SMS? I would do it for her. Maybe that is why I feel sad. But love should be about giving always, right? Not taking...
Reminds me of something my father said once. He never made any comments on girlfriends I had but there was this one time he did, when I took a girlfriend to Rio de Janeiro (I lived in Sao Paulo, then). I was very much in love. When were alone together, just he and I, I asked what he thought about her. Then he said: "Oh, she is very sweet. Just remember it is important that she loves you as much or even more than you love her"... It took me a couple of years to understand what he meant.
Am I doing it again? Is there such thing Sheena Easton "hopelessly devoted to you"? Is there such thing as "way too romantic"? Do you really have to pretend not to love someone to be loved more? Is she taking me for granted already? Because of all the attention I give her, because of all the loving words, support etc. Does she feel she cannot loose me and it's ok if I am not always in her mind? Or am I being paranoid? Am I letting myself be carried away by my cravings for attention?
How does love go? How does missing a loved one go? When people say "I miss you", is it just or the sake of saying it? Shouldn't there be a feeling behind the words? What is the "normal" way? I sit here and think about work, football matches, eventually about her and then I think "Let me tell her I miss her because she might like it"? Then I resume thinking about other things and never expect a reply or for her to miss me too? Gee, sounds so phoney! Is this really the way it goes?
I am at the airport. Where else do I write, anyway? Seems I only manage to update my blog on planes or airports. The flight to Istanbul is delayed. The lady from Turkish Airlines said there were problems in Istanbul and all flights were delayed. No further explanation. I just hope it has nothing to do with the war in Iraq.
I called Yulia a she did not pick up the call. I figured she did not hear the phone so I sent an SMS saying I had called and when she was free she could SMS me back. She did, shortly after. Said indeed she did not hear the phone. She was on the way to the skiing station with her cousin and friends.
I cannot expect life to be any different for her now that I am going away, can I? She will resume doing things she does normally. After all, she is having her school recess. She should be enjoying herself.
But I can't help but wonder whether I was a burden to her during these two weeks as I changed her life completely. Of course she did not act as if I was a burden. She seemed very happy. Acted very happy. Said she was happy. But I still wonder...
I guess I have serious problems. I found out I am obsessive compulsive and seems I am also manic depressive. Needy. Is it normal to need attention like this? Is it ok to feel left alone when I am stuck in the airport and she is having fun?
It is a weird feeling the one I have. Of course I always want her to have fun. I always want her to be happy. But part of me insists there is something wrong. I know I should feel embarrassed for feeling abandoned. It is not her fault the flights are delayed. It's not her fault I am stuck here with nothing to do. Should she keep me company via SMS? I would do it for her. Maybe that is why I feel sad. But love should be about giving always, right? Not taking...
Reminds me of something my father said once. He never made any comments on girlfriends I had but there was this one time he did, when I took a girlfriend to Rio de Janeiro (I lived in Sao Paulo, then). I was very much in love. When were alone together, just he and I, I asked what he thought about her. Then he said: "Oh, she is very sweet. Just remember it is important that she loves you as much or even more than you love her"... It took me a couple of years to understand what he meant.
Am I doing it again? Is there such thing Sheena Easton "hopelessly devoted to you"? Is there such thing as "way too romantic"? Do you really have to pretend not to love someone to be loved more? Is she taking me for granted already? Because of all the attention I give her, because of all the loving words, support etc. Does she feel she cannot loose me and it's ok if I am not always in her mind? Or am I being paranoid? Am I letting myself be carried away by my cravings for attention?
How does love go? How does missing a loved one go? When people say "I miss you", is it just or the sake of saying it? Shouldn't there be a feeling behind the words? What is the "normal" way? I sit here and think about work, football matches, eventually about her and then I think "Let me tell her I miss her because she might like it"? Then I resume thinking about other things and never expect a reply or for her to miss me too? Gee, sounds so phoney! Is this really the way it goes?
Monday, 5 January 2004
The sad moment of goodbyes
... and the tears rolled down her face. It happened this morning. So early that the sun could neither witness nor dry them. The cold winter wind caressed her beautiful blonde her, as I watched in owe her angel eyes close and even more tears wet her rosy cheeks.
I had had my share of crying before, on the way to the airport, while softly tracing with the tips of my fingers all the contours of her figure. As much as I tried to hide, she caught me and kissed the tears away, promising me we would not be apart for long.
We were all sad - even her parents. The two weeks I had were enough for me to love the entire family and for the entire family to love me too. So it was no surprise we all were fighting the tears. Alina woke up early to wish me a good flight. The night before, Auntie and uncle came to say goodbye. That morning it was Grandpa. Cousins called. Mom and Dad were very quiet.
Now, hours later, alone in the cold room of Rossia Hotel, I still cry, missing my beautiful Russian Wife. My Baby Girl. My new chance to be happy. Yulia, my Love.
I had had my share of crying before, on the way to the airport, while softly tracing with the tips of my fingers all the contours of her figure. As much as I tried to hide, she caught me and kissed the tears away, promising me we would not be apart for long.
We were all sad - even her parents. The two weeks I had were enough for me to love the entire family and for the entire family to love me too. So it was no surprise we all were fighting the tears. Alina woke up early to wish me a good flight. The night before, Auntie and uncle came to say goodbye. That morning it was Grandpa. Cousins called. Mom and Dad were very quiet.
Now, hours later, alone in the cold room of Rossia Hotel, I still cry, missing my beautiful Russian Wife. My Baby Girl. My new chance to be happy. Yulia, my Love.
Thursday, 25 December 2003
Setting up the Xmas Tree
The day started fairly early yesterday. Not too early because it's not day until around ten o'clock in the morning anyway, but we were all very active already when the sun finally decided to show his face.
When I say 'we', I mean Sergey, Lubov and myself. Yulia and Alina usually are up at 7:30 because school starts at 8:00.
Sergey asked me (Oh, yeah! We can communicate even though he does not speak English) if I wanted to follow him while he prepared a mounting support for the Xmas Tree he intended to buy. I followed.
We went to a small garage, converted into a storage room, where his father keeps tools like saws and welding machines. Once there I helped (not too much, I'm afraid) measuring and sawing three metal bars he intended to weld to a cylinder he found. The cylinder was hallow and would be great to out the trunk of the tree in. The bars, once welded should keep the cylinder upright. Sawing the bars ended up being more work than he expected so he decided to have someone else do the welding.
We went to Slava's Car Repair Shop. I was very much surprised to see such a big modern shop in a small town like Tchaikovsky. Slave proudly shows pictures of the work done at his shop. Cars that had turned over we repaired to the smallest details. The painting job was incredibly good. He even has a computer to mix Pantone colours to mach specific colours from specific brands and years of cars. Quite amazing, really.
While his employees worked on the welding of our Xmas Tree Base, we talked. I realized that the more I hear the language the easier it becomes to pick up words or even entire conversations, though I do not speak.
For example, Slava asked Sergey if he could speak English and Sergey said no. Then he asked how do you talk to each other then? Sergey explained we managed and mentioned he was very surprised to see I could read Russian. Well, it's not like I can get a book and devour it in a couple of hours but I have been here for three days and I am picking up the language. Let's say I have the reading skills of a 7-year-old. I stumble into difficult words, stress the wrong syllable but I am reading. Slava, then, told Sergey about a guy he met in France. The guy could not speak any French at first but not long time later he was able to find his way around. He mentioned, wisely I would say, that this happens when you speak more than a language. Things start making more sense. It is true. So many words in Russian are similar to their English, Portuguese, Spanish or whatever.
For example, shops are 'magazines'. In English a magazine is a totally different thing but in Portuguese (old Portuguese, anyway) it is a place where you can buy goods.
I was surprised I could understand the entire conversation. By the time I live Russia I will be speaking at least a bit. Won't that be cool?
With the welding of the tree base done, we went to buy the tree itself. Unfortunately all places we tried were closed. You see, their Xmas Trees are real, not plastic ones. So we had to go to the periphery of Tchaikovsky to buy the tree. A very rural area, with small farms. The farmers don't really sit there waiting for customers. They have better things to do, I figure. As a result, we got home with no Xmas Tree.
Yulia and Alina were waiting for us for lunch, poor girls. It was already past 3 in the afternoon when we arrived. After lunch, Sergey and Alina went out to find a tree. Yulia and I stayed behind. Mom was at the 'magazine'... Well... It was a wonderful afternoon.
When Sergey returned, shortly after Mom called to say she was on her way home (may God bless this woman; gotta love her!).
When he arrived he had this big, natural Xmas tree he went into the woods to get. Alina mentioned they were knee deep in snow and that it had been fun. To that Yulia whispered in English so they could not understand even if they had heard "we had fun too"... She's just too cute!
When Mom arrived we put the Xmas Tree on its base and started decorating it. It was he first time in my life I did that. First time also I really put presents under the tree. I was very happy.
Little did I know things would not be so nice later in the evening.
We went for dinner with Igor, Yulia's cousin, and Olga, his girlfriend. Very nice folks that I met before. I wanted to go some place nice but Tchaikovsky is too small and the options are limited. We ended up in the Butterfly Cafe, again, where Yulia had her usual ice-cream and I had, just for lack of option, an instant coffee.
I took the opportunity to call my parents and wish them a Merry Xmas. Yulia was a bit embarrassed to talk to them. Even to talk to my cousin, Soraya, who happens to speak a little Russian, being married to a Russian man. I was a bit disappointed but it was ok. I understand him being shy and all.
What happened was, we left the Butterfly Cafe and went to a restaurant. There, for the first time I was sad with Yulia.
I usually say that "What I do not know, the Devil will whisper in my ears". I can't explain why - maybe I am just too susceptible to signs - but I can sense things. And suddenly I sensed Yulia was talking about me to Igor and Olga.
She does all the time, I know, but this was different. It was not regular conversation, small talk or anything alike. How can I explain it? Let's put it like this: if I was recording all the conversation she had with people about me, that specific bit would be the one she would be embarrassed to have translated. Do you get the idea? That was the very first time she was using the language barrier against me. Specifically happy I could not understand what she was saying.
Well, we talked and she swore I was wrong. She explained she was actually complaining about her mom and since she was not using 'nice' words, her body language might have led me to believe she was trying to hide from me. Which she was, but not what l thought. I'm willing to give her the benefit of doubt. Besides, between us, true or not her explanation was quite convincing.
All's well when it ends well.
When I say 'we', I mean Sergey, Lubov and myself. Yulia and Alina usually are up at 7:30 because school starts at 8:00.
Sergey asked me (Oh, yeah! We can communicate even though he does not speak English) if I wanted to follow him while he prepared a mounting support for the Xmas Tree he intended to buy. I followed.
We went to a small garage, converted into a storage room, where his father keeps tools like saws and welding machines. Once there I helped (not too much, I'm afraid) measuring and sawing three metal bars he intended to weld to a cylinder he found. The cylinder was hallow and would be great to out the trunk of the tree in. The bars, once welded should keep the cylinder upright. Sawing the bars ended up being more work than he expected so he decided to have someone else do the welding.
We went to Slava's Car Repair Shop. I was very much surprised to see such a big modern shop in a small town like Tchaikovsky. Slave proudly shows pictures of the work done at his shop. Cars that had turned over we repaired to the smallest details. The painting job was incredibly good. He even has a computer to mix Pantone colours to mach specific colours from specific brands and years of cars. Quite amazing, really.
While his employees worked on the welding of our Xmas Tree Base, we talked. I realized that the more I hear the language the easier it becomes to pick up words or even entire conversations, though I do not speak.
For example, Slava asked Sergey if he could speak English and Sergey said no. Then he asked how do you talk to each other then? Sergey explained we managed and mentioned he was very surprised to see I could read Russian. Well, it's not like I can get a book and devour it in a couple of hours but I have been here for three days and I am picking up the language. Let's say I have the reading skills of a 7-year-old. I stumble into difficult words, stress the wrong syllable but I am reading. Slava, then, told Sergey about a guy he met in France. The guy could not speak any French at first but not long time later he was able to find his way around. He mentioned, wisely I would say, that this happens when you speak more than a language. Things start making more sense. It is true. So many words in Russian are similar to their English, Portuguese, Spanish or whatever.
For example, shops are 'magazines'. In English a magazine is a totally different thing but in Portuguese (old Portuguese, anyway) it is a place where you can buy goods.
I was surprised I could understand the entire conversation. By the time I live Russia I will be speaking at least a bit. Won't that be cool?
With the welding of the tree base done, we went to buy the tree itself. Unfortunately all places we tried were closed. You see, their Xmas Trees are real, not plastic ones. So we had to go to the periphery of Tchaikovsky to buy the tree. A very rural area, with small farms. The farmers don't really sit there waiting for customers. They have better things to do, I figure. As a result, we got home with no Xmas Tree.
Yulia and Alina were waiting for us for lunch, poor girls. It was already past 3 in the afternoon when we arrived. After lunch, Sergey and Alina went out to find a tree. Yulia and I stayed behind. Mom was at the 'magazine'... Well... It was a wonderful afternoon.
When Sergey returned, shortly after Mom called to say she was on her way home (may God bless this woman; gotta love her!).
When he arrived he had this big, natural Xmas tree he went into the woods to get. Alina mentioned they were knee deep in snow and that it had been fun. To that Yulia whispered in English so they could not understand even if they had heard "we had fun too"... She's just too cute!
When Mom arrived we put the Xmas Tree on its base and started decorating it. It was he first time in my life I did that. First time also I really put presents under the tree. I was very happy.
Little did I know things would not be so nice later in the evening.
We went for dinner with Igor, Yulia's cousin, and Olga, his girlfriend. Very nice folks that I met before. I wanted to go some place nice but Tchaikovsky is too small and the options are limited. We ended up in the Butterfly Cafe, again, where Yulia had her usual ice-cream and I had, just for lack of option, an instant coffee.
I took the opportunity to call my parents and wish them a Merry Xmas. Yulia was a bit embarrassed to talk to them. Even to talk to my cousin, Soraya, who happens to speak a little Russian, being married to a Russian man. I was a bit disappointed but it was ok. I understand him being shy and all.
What happened was, we left the Butterfly Cafe and went to a restaurant. There, for the first time I was sad with Yulia.
I usually say that "What I do not know, the Devil will whisper in my ears". I can't explain why - maybe I am just too susceptible to signs - but I can sense things. And suddenly I sensed Yulia was talking about me to Igor and Olga.
She does all the time, I know, but this was different. It was not regular conversation, small talk or anything alike. How can I explain it? Let's put it like this: if I was recording all the conversation she had with people about me, that specific bit would be the one she would be embarrassed to have translated. Do you get the idea? That was the very first time she was using the language barrier against me. Specifically happy I could not understand what she was saying.
Well, we talked and she swore I was wrong. She explained she was actually complaining about her mom and since she was not using 'nice' words, her body language might have led me to believe she was trying to hide from me. Which she was, but not what l thought. I'm willing to give her the benefit of doubt. Besides, between us, true or not her explanation was quite convincing.
All's well when it ends well.
Wednesday, 24 December 2003
Un altro giorno se ne va
What a beautiful day yesterday was. Yulia came home early from school and we had a chance to spend more time together. After lunch, Alina, her sister went out with friends and Mom went to her shop (she has a store and sells high quality winter and leather clothes). Left alone, we had some time for ourselves. We packed Xmas presents, talked a lot and even misbehaved a bit. Just a bit! Needless to say my insecurities were all washed away.
Later in the afternoon, after Mom called to check if everything was alright, we went out. My Baby Girl became very sad she had to remove the piercing she did in her belly button. The one they gave her was too heavy and the skin was inflamed and getting thinner. If she did not remove it, it would probably break. That would be a pity because she has one of those cute belly buttons.
Later in the afternoon, after Mom called to check if everything was alright, we went out. My Baby Girl became very sad she had to remove the piercing she did in her belly button. The one they gave her was too heavy and the skin was inflamed and getting thinner. If she did not remove it, it would probably break. That would be a pity because she has one of those cute belly buttons.
Monday, 22 December 2003
The end of the second day
I was right... She is indeed sorting her own feelings, trying to gather information, analysing bits and pieces to decide: Do I want to marry this guy?
She won't let me in on her thoughts, of course, but when I look into her eyes I can almost see the table of judges raising their white signs with my score every time I do something. So far the crowd did not 'boo' me off the stage. I can say the total accumulated score is good by her actions but unfortunately that is no guarantee of a happy ending. As the saying goes, "It's not over until the fat lady sings".
She is always sweet and caring. Makes it hard not to make comparisons. For example, before we leave the house to the cold snow covered streets, she will lovingly help me with my scarf, making sure my neck is covered and protected from the cold. She holds my hand when the ground is slippery and my arm whenever we are going up or down a set of stairs, not because she's afraid she'll fall but because she's afraid I will. She also gives me 'room to breathe', not clinging too much all the time though I would not mind if she did.
Her folks are also very kind and though I'm sure they have an eye on us, they are extremely discreet and never unpleasant. I just know they have their concerns because I would, too. But I think they like me and I'm even learning some Russian to talk to them.
No matter what happens, this is one experience to cherish.
She won't let me in on her thoughts, of course, but when I look into her eyes I can almost see the table of judges raising their white signs with my score every time I do something. So far the crowd did not 'boo' me off the stage. I can say the total accumulated score is good by her actions but unfortunately that is no guarantee of a happy ending. As the saying goes, "It's not over until the fat lady sings".
She is always sweet and caring. Makes it hard not to make comparisons. For example, before we leave the house to the cold snow covered streets, she will lovingly help me with my scarf, making sure my neck is covered and protected from the cold. She holds my hand when the ground is slippery and my arm whenever we are going up or down a set of stairs, not because she's afraid she'll fall but because she's afraid I will. She also gives me 'room to breathe', not clinging too much all the time though I would not mind if she did.
Her folks are also very kind and though I'm sure they have an eye on us, they are extremely discreet and never unpleasant. I just know they have their concerns because I would, too. But I think they like me and I'm even learning some Russian to talk to them.
No matter what happens, this is one experience to cherish.
Sunday, 21 December 2003
When insecurity sets in
Of course it had to happen sometime. The first day was almost perfect. Nothing much happened apart from a quick stroll through the town centre, some hand-in-hand walk by frozen Kama River, bad coffee in a small cafe near Mom's shop and a stop to watch 'Kill Bill', Tarantino's latest movie.
Everything fine. Well, actually I will have to watch the movie again some other time. No, no, no... I was not being naughty at the cinema, no. That is not the reason I have to watch the movie again. I have to watch it again because we did not know the movie was dubbed in Russian with no subtitles whatsoever. What do you do then? As I watched, people around me laughed and 'wowed' to the clever dialogs and action scenes. I did not mind the movie too much, startled by Yulia's smile and soft skin. Erm... Never mind.
Something happened, though. After we got back home to meet Mom, Dad and Sis for dinner out, my Baby Girl became very quiet. I don't know if she was sad, pissed with something or what. Maybe she was tired, having to speak in English all the time and translating the dialogues back and forth, English to Russian, Russian to English as I happily talked with her parents. I asked if anything was wrong. She said no but would not elaborate.
Of course I thought I had done something or said something, either to her or to her family and she got upset. I must be really sick or have a very low self steam... Or maybe I think the world revolves around me. I don't know. I noticed I always tend to think it's my fault. Anyway...
I had the impression she grew a bit distant. Of course I cannot expect her to be available all the time or even smiling all the time but it occurred to me that maybe was evaluating our first day together. That's when insecurity comes into play. Was I good enough?
You don't get a second chance to make a first impression, you know. I truly believe her folks liked me but... Did she?
Everything fine. Well, actually I will have to watch the movie again some other time. No, no, no... I was not being naughty at the cinema, no. That is not the reason I have to watch the movie again. I have to watch it again because we did not know the movie was dubbed in Russian with no subtitles whatsoever. What do you do then? As I watched, people around me laughed and 'wowed' to the clever dialogs and action scenes. I did not mind the movie too much, startled by Yulia's smile and soft skin. Erm... Never mind.
Something happened, though. After we got back home to meet Mom, Dad and Sis for dinner out, my Baby Girl became very quiet. I don't know if she was sad, pissed with something or what. Maybe she was tired, having to speak in English all the time and translating the dialogues back and forth, English to Russian, Russian to English as I happily talked with her parents. I asked if anything was wrong. She said no but would not elaborate.
Of course I thought I had done something or said something, either to her or to her family and she got upset. I must be really sick or have a very low self steam... Or maybe I think the world revolves around me. I don't know. I noticed I always tend to think it's my fault. Anyway...
I had the impression she grew a bit distant. Of course I cannot expect her to be available all the time or even smiling all the time but it occurred to me that maybe was evaluating our first day together. That's when insecurity comes into play. Was I good enough?
You don't get a second chance to make a first impression, you know. I truly believe her folks liked me but... Did she?
Saturday, 20 December 2003
The first Day
It's very early in the morning here. I guess it should be almost noon back at home. Despite the fact I went to bed very late, I'm already awake, my mind racing, recollecting recent events. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, she is the most adorable thing in the world. I can't explain the magical aura that surrounds her being. And though I know she is only human, right now I just don't seem to recognise her possible flaws. I am happy and warm with her in my life...
But I am getting ahead of myself. Do forgive me for this unavailable state of awe. I am in Russia. One place in the world I did not quite though I would see. I begin my travel last Friday at 10:00pm. I flew from Singapore to Bangkok, Bangkok to Istanbul, Istanbul to Moscow, Moscow to Izhevsk, rode a car from Izhevsk to a small town called Chaikovsky, more than 14,000 kilometres from my point of origin, just to meet her... The one girl who has been giving me hopes of a happy life again: Yulia, my precious Russian princess.
And she is more than I could have hoped for. It is no wonder her kindness and beauty show so clearly in her emails, SMSs and pictures; she seems to be love personified. As a friend said: a goddess. She is indeed. And if this goddess in tiny form accepts me, in exchange for daily doses of her love, I'll be her servant, making her the one and only in my life.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Do forgive me for this unavailable state of awe. I am in Russia. One place in the world I did not quite though I would see. I begin my travel last Friday at 10:00pm. I flew from Singapore to Bangkok, Bangkok to Istanbul, Istanbul to Moscow, Moscow to Izhevsk, rode a car from Izhevsk to a small town called Chaikovsky, more than 14,000 kilometres from my point of origin, just to meet her... The one girl who has been giving me hopes of a happy life again: Yulia, my precious Russian princess.
And she is more than I could have hoped for. It is no wonder her kindness and beauty show so clearly in her emails, SMSs and pictures; she seems to be love personified. As a friend said: a goddess. She is indeed. And if this goddess in tiny form accepts me, in exchange for daily doses of her love, I'll be her servant, making her the one and only in my life.
Sunday, 23 November 2003
A Brief Update
Yep. It's that time again. Time to put things in writing after a long period. A lot happened but unfortunately I could not write sooner. As it seems to be most of the time, I am having this 'writing' break at the airport.
I'm going to Manila again for another round of fun. Well, this is said with some sarcasm I must admit but it would be unfair to say I did not have fun. Work was had for three weeks and during those days, my last visit, when my alleged 'discovery session' became a project in the blink of an eye, I barely had time for myself.
I was working over 12 hours a day. Some days almost 16. Take that out of a 24 hour day and you'll notice time left for sleeping or having fun isn't much.
But as I said, it would be unfair to say I didn't have fun. I was very lucky to be working with a good friend from a previous project. His good moods, funny ways and light-hearted approach to problems helped a lot in maintaining my faith in the project and in myself.
The fact he's a great programmer also helped, of course. Most of the integration effort was pushed to the Agent's Desktop Application, which he developed from scratch in record time. I never saw this before, honestly. And I've been with the company for quite a while now. I wish it was that simple to integrate with Siebel or Onyx (Oooh, talking about Onyx reminds me of RHB - Malaysia... Lets change subject quick!).
The pressure of the work was nevertheless enormous. My good friend and I were bombarded with requests and problems to solve. Things got better when Super Itty Bitty came to rescue, send by the Almighty Powers of Paul.
I was proud that I had everything installed and working before Itty Bitty actually got on site. But of course, he had valuable information and configuration to make things work better, explaining to e, my friend and the end customer the ‘what’s, ‘why’s and ‘when’s of everything. Boy, he's good!
Yulia's messages also helped keeping me sane. She's just adorable. Gotta love the girl, honestly. Things are going pretty ok and the plans of spending Xmas and New Year with her are still valid. As soon as I return from this trip, I should have my VISA to Russia and my flight schedule ready.
She's very excited and so am I. Of course doubts still haunt us both. Will she like me? Will I like her? Can we really get married and live happily ever after?
Statistics say these internet relationships last 6 months. It would be a pity if that was the case. I hope w do not end up as statistics.
Some good friends are really glad we are together. They can see how happy I am and they are happy for me. Others are worried, they care about me and know this is risky business. I know that. But living is risky business, isn't it? The only way you can be really safe is by dying. After that nothing matters anymore. But until that day, a day that is going to come to all of us, isn't it safe - pun intended - to say we're unsafe?
C'mon, think about it. You can hide in a farm, away from traffic, crime, modern age diseases and still die by tripping on a rock or due to a sudden thunder storm. Silly? Funny? Maybe, yes. But true, notwithstanding!
We all heard story of people who survived car crashes and died chocking on a piece of meat or slipping on a banana peel.
If life is so unsafe and death is the ultimate risk what have I to loose to put my cards on this unusual relationship? I risk a broken heart. Yes... I know... But I had many already. By know I can tell you from experience: it hurts but it will heal with time.
I'm going to Manila again for another round of fun. Well, this is said with some sarcasm I must admit but it would be unfair to say I did not have fun. Work was had for three weeks and during those days, my last visit, when my alleged 'discovery session' became a project in the blink of an eye, I barely had time for myself.
I was working over 12 hours a day. Some days almost 16. Take that out of a 24 hour day and you'll notice time left for sleeping or having fun isn't much.
But as I said, it would be unfair to say I didn't have fun. I was very lucky to be working with a good friend from a previous project. His good moods, funny ways and light-hearted approach to problems helped a lot in maintaining my faith in the project and in myself.
The fact he's a great programmer also helped, of course. Most of the integration effort was pushed to the Agent's Desktop Application, which he developed from scratch in record time. I never saw this before, honestly. And I've been with the company for quite a while now. I wish it was that simple to integrate with Siebel or Onyx (Oooh, talking about Onyx reminds me of RHB - Malaysia... Lets change subject quick!).
The pressure of the work was nevertheless enormous. My good friend and I were bombarded with requests and problems to solve. Things got better when Super Itty Bitty came to rescue, send by the Almighty Powers of Paul.
I was proud that I had everything installed and working before Itty Bitty actually got on site. But of course, he had valuable information and configuration to make things work better, explaining to e, my friend and the end customer the ‘what’s, ‘why’s and ‘when’s of everything. Boy, he's good!
Yulia's messages also helped keeping me sane. She's just adorable. Gotta love the girl, honestly. Things are going pretty ok and the plans of spending Xmas and New Year with her are still valid. As soon as I return from this trip, I should have my VISA to Russia and my flight schedule ready.
She's very excited and so am I. Of course doubts still haunt us both. Will she like me? Will I like her? Can we really get married and live happily ever after?
Statistics say these internet relationships last 6 months. It would be a pity if that was the case. I hope w do not end up as statistics.
Some good friends are really glad we are together. They can see how happy I am and they are happy for me. Others are worried, they care about me and know this is risky business. I know that. But living is risky business, isn't it? The only way you can be really safe is by dying. After that nothing matters anymore. But until that day, a day that is going to come to all of us, isn't it safe - pun intended - to say we're unsafe?
C'mon, think about it. You can hide in a farm, away from traffic, crime, modern age diseases and still die by tripping on a rock or due to a sudden thunder storm. Silly? Funny? Maybe, yes. But true, notwithstanding!
We all heard story of people who survived car crashes and died chocking on a piece of meat or slipping on a banana peel.
If life is so unsafe and death is the ultimate risk what have I to loose to put my cards on this unusual relationship? I risk a broken heart. Yes... I know... But I had many already. By know I can tell you from experience: it hurts but it will heal with time.
Sunday, 12 October 2003
The Matchbox definition
“[...] But I'm not crazy; I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be [...]”
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be [...]”
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