Other people’s problems…

… are so much easier to solve, aren’t they? When you are looking from outside you get a better picture of the entire situation and you have a better understanding of the matter. You can analyse things better and decisions are done based on reasoning, not on emotions. The only problem is, for those inside, whatever you suggest will always be ‘easier said than done’.

J sent me an email a couple of days ago. Sunday, Monday, I do not remember and it doesn’t really matter. She started by saying “I have to apologise for my rudeness” and then complained about how I never send her emails or call. She said I do not treasure the years we spent together and just totally forgot about her, as if she was a toy I was tired of playing with.

Now, that is new… After all she has done, after all we’ve been through, she is saying I do not treasure what we had. Human beings never cease to amaze me. She said the reason she wanted me to keep contact is because she ‘worries’ about me and wants me to be happy. Yeah, right… Let’s put things into perspective and chance her speech a bit. She is not happy, her life is going no where and she wants to know if I am in the same situation. That sounds more like it, yeah.

She even said that if I do not want any contact, as far as she is concerned, I can “drop dead”. That one made me laugh and also proud of her because she was actually writing in English! She certainly got a lot of vocabulary. When she came to Singapore her English skills were so limited she couldn’t even ask for direction. Ha!

But well, I wrote her back. I usually do. I mean, if I get a message, I do not mind replying. So I did. And I told her, in a very nice way (honestly) that I did not know why she was complaining. Every time she writes, I write back. Just recently I chatted with her online. I have been having more contact with her than with my ex-wife. What is it that she wants from me? Rhetoric question, in fact, because I know what she wants…

But the reason I mention this is, I have been telling people to move on with their lives, let go of frustrated relationships that are getting nowhere, and yet, I don’t seem to listen to my own advice. Yes, I have been trying to let go and meeting new people and all. But now I think, why did I even bother to reply to her email? I could have simply deleted it. Would it make any difference? She said I could drop dead, right? Why not let her think I did? When I replied to her, I gave her reasons to write again thus perpetuating this broken relationship that doesn’t seem to die. It’s a bloody ‘moto continuo’.

I mentioned before and it’s pretty obvious I do not hate her. I wish her all good things in life and I really care for her. I wouldn’t mind helping if she needed and I would be glad to attend to her wedding, should she find a nice guy who loved and respected her and that she loved and respected in return. I would do it. Seriously. It would be one of those moments when you cannot precise whether the tears rolling down your face are from happiness and pain, but I would be there, smiling to her.

But then, for that to happen, *we* must let go. Though it is, as I said, ‘easier said than done’… But I am getting there. Yes, sir, I am. I just have to be careful not to fall in temptation, because that would be deadly and things would get back to the way they were in no time. Can I possibly take any more?

It scares me to think I actually can… (sighs)