She is doing it again… Or am I? Who’s calling who? Get out of my life! Get out of my blood stream! Please, leave me alone! Let go of me!!! If I could so easily let Evie go, why not her? Because Evie was a friendship gone bad. And five years don’t go away in a week. Where are you? Where in the world are you? Do you exist at all? Please, give me a sign!!! My life is shattering. It’s all falling apart. I haven’t been able to concentrate. I have not been doing things I am supposed to do. What is wrong with me? It’s all about being content. Should be easy since everything seems favourable. I miss Denmark. I miss my friend. I haven’t replied to her email yet. She might think I am upset or something. Should I quit my job? And do what? Start over? Yet another time? From nothing again? It will pass. It always does. This is a theatre. Nothing is real. It’s just a theatre. I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten her pregnant. Would it be any different? Goy did not write me today. I hope she is fine. Poor Melody… Things did not go as we had planned… It’s not my fault. It’s nobody’s fault. She knows it. But why did she have to go and get drunk? It’s so disappointing…My friend says there are always too many sad stories. He is right. Maybe mine is one too? Does it have to be? Nat called. Now. She just called. It’s almost 2:30 in the morning and she called. I would be a bit upset if I wasn’t so lonely. But I was actually glad she did. She just wanted to say “hi”. Makes me feel a bit better. Am I going crazy? No. Certainly not. They say when you are able to actually ask yourself that, then you are not. Crazy people (hardly the politically correct term, I know) just loose contact with reality. But what is real? What is real if all is but a theatre? It’s about being content. I should be content. Then everything would fall into place again.
She would be 8 month now. Or more. Or maybe we would have a baby already. Would that have changed anything at all? Or made things worst? I should go to bed… It’s bearable when I am asleep… I really should get to bed…