And the river runs through it...

I met Noor last Thursday. Quite a nice person. Sweet, easy to talk to, light-hearted, fun to be with… The chemistry was nice and so, the plans for the DVD marathon on Saturday were kept. On Saturday, she came a bit late. The appointment was at 2:00pm and by 2:20 I was already wondering if she had stood me up. But that was not the case. She arrived 2:30 and we had a nice time chatting and watching movies.

It was nice to have someone with me at home. It’s been a long time since it happened last. It also gave me the incentive I needed to tidy up the place a little. The mess was getting out of hand, I must confess. I am not exactly organized but I do keep my place in order. I might have mentioned I believe your house, your desk at the office, your ‘environment’ reflects your mind. If they are messy, well, that does say something about you.

It took me a while to actually sort out old receipts, throw away old magazines and news papers, put computer cables and parts in their places etc but it was worth it. When she arrived, the house looked presentable again. And even my bed had the two sides free. Not that I was planning to drag the girl to bed, not that. Well, at least not yet anyway (grin). But since J went away, I don’t know if it just happened or if I did it on purpose, her side of the bed was taken by books and folded clothes I bring back from the trips. Maybe it was a way to have ‘something’ beside me when I sleep. A way to make the bed not ‘so big’… Maybe. I don’t know.

She came to the apartment, we watched some movies, ate pop corn, talked, held hand, hugged, kissed… And went out for dinner before getting to intimate. I was feeling a bit shy. Probably because I do not know how to behave with her. I mean, being a Muslim girl and all, I really don’t know what is appropriate or not. And I don’t want her to think I am a pervert. Well, I am, but not a rude pervert. Well, ok, maybe rude but not intentionally. Ok, ok, sometimes intentionally but not always! (Damn!!!)

So, I was just following her lead. Taking ‘her’ time instead of mine. However, after we said goodbye I was left with the feeling maybe I was being too naïve. Maybe she thought this “latin lover” thing was a myth. Hmph… Myself being naïve… That sounds so funny… Almost hard to believe.

It doesn’t matter, I had a good time. And I enjoyed the company. Now I just have to figure out what is really going on because deep in my heart I know she is not the one yet. So, is it bad to spend time together? Am I fooling her and making her believe there is a *us* planned for the future? Am I going too fast, risking breaking her heart or mine? Or am I going too slow? Should I talk to her and explain all this? Or just let it flow? Again, I don’t know. I hoped so much to find someone and now I am having second thoughts. Why? Geez, will I ever know what I want?

The problem is: J has been on my mind since we last spoke online. I’m not sure why. Now and then I find myself thinking about her. Why now? I really thought I was over her. Every time I think of her, I remember all the things that happened and she is put back into the “do not call” list, but why does she keep coming back to my thoughts in the first place? Is my heart still with her?

A very good friend in the Philippines sent me this email saying that she honestly believed J was still the one for me. I respect and love her very much and as I read that, I knew she was telling me something no one else would. She was being honest with me, giving me her point of view about all that is happening in my life. She is a true friend. She worries and always sends me emails, which I seldom reply, but she never gives up on me (May, if you ever read this, thank you for being there. I love you dearly and I wish you ‘enough’!).

Enough of writing. I am tired and confused. I can’t concentrate anymore.

I might be going to the movies tomorrow with Noor, and maybe we’ll have a serious talk about our expectations on the relationship afterwards. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I know nothing…