Ingrid: Don’t do it again, Astrid…
Astrid: Do what again?
Ingrid: Attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely…
(White Oleander, 2002)

I was tired but forced myself to go out. I wanted to see Bangkok again. So I decided I could pay Nat a visit. Perhaps look for Beem as well, though I didn’t expect to find her. As it turned out, Nat was available for a quick chat and a drink but Beem was nowhere to be found. Such a pity… I was hoping she would be there. Her friends said she was sick and had returned home, up country. But I don’t know. When I called, some guy answered the phone. She said it was her brother. But it sure did not sound like it…

I was thinking of inviting her to come to Singapore with me. I could use the company and I am sure she wouldn’t mind. However, after the phone call I started thinking… Maybe I think too much. Yeah… Maybe…

Anyway, bringing her to Singapore would be using her, wouldn’t it? It’s undeniable it would be mutual: she would be using me too, but do we really understand this “using” people thing? Let think about it for a moment, shall we?

I need company. She wants to experience new things. I am not really interested in her, emotionally. She is probably more interested in enjoying whatever opportunity of being out of Thailand she can have. We both know we are using each other. Does that make it “OK”? Is it ok to “use” people when they know they are being used?

“Hi, let’s make a deal, we stay together while it’s convenient for the both of us; not any longer, ok?”

Geez, sounds silly but aren’t all relationships like this? Think about your job, for example. Your company pays you because you are useful. When you stop being useful or when someone with same characteristics and charging less appears - POW - you are history. And from your perspective, if you were to be offered a better salary, working less, perhaps in a more pleasant environment, wouldn’t you quit your job and move? Don’t you and your company both understand this???

Is it really different with people? J used me and I used her. She put me up when I was down and I took her in, away from the problems she had. Now, thinking about it, why aren’t we together anymore??? Because we do not *need* each other anymore. Or at least, not the way we both needed each other before. I solved my problems. She solved hers. If we were together for sometime after that it was because in the process of solving our mutual problems I started loving her. But that was something that wasn’t mutual. And as a result, we’re not together anymore. I started needing her love and she had other needs I could not fulfil.

I guess we were both floating logs during a huge flood. We both served our purpose. Reminds me of Tom Hanks’ “Cast Away”… Remember when he leaves the island and his ‘friend’, the ball, floats away? He gets desperate, trying to reach and ‘save’ him… This is what happened when J and I parted ways. I was desperate trying to ‘save’ her, keep her with me. But she was wiser. She had a better understanding of our relationship. She was eager to ‘float’ away. And I missed her...

But life imitates art. And my movie is not over yet…

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Oh, yeah, and before I forget it… Prang sent me a message. Someone might have told her I was in Bangkok again. Funny… She vanished without a word and just like that, out of the blue, sends me a message saying “I miss you; I did not forget you. You forgot about me”. I guess she was done using whoever she was using and saw the opportunity of using me again. Well… Maybe some other time, Prang… Not this time…