The flight from Moscow to Istanbul was more than two hours delayed but it didn't really matter much. My flight to Singapore was only 21:45 and we arrived 17:30. I had plenty of time to sort my feelings out (or at least part of them), walk around the airport trying to find some nice spices and exchange some SMSs with Yulia.
I was in a grumpy mood and told her that. What I didn't tell her is that she was partially responsible for such mood. Well, not directly - I must say - but indirectly, it was the fact she didn't seem to miss me as much as l missed her that got me upset. Again, not only that but that too.
I started again thinking about the "Mr. Nice Guy" thing. I believe I mentioned this before. Yeah... I think I did. Girls don't like good guys. Good guys are not the 'alpha male'. They all want to find a romantic type, polite and educated, that will treat them as princesses... However, they just can't resist the 'bad guys'. The ones that do not call the day after, the ones that keep them on their toes not knowing whether they are cheating on them or not.
I am the nice guy. Looking for everlasting love. Before Yulia knew that she would SMS me all the time. Now that I have showered her with kisses, caresses and promises of sweet long lasting love, she feels safe. She knows I love her. There's no need to always keep me near, after all "I am hers already".
So she apologised for not replying. She was a bit busy. Please don't get me wrong. As I said before, I do not expect her to be available all the time for me. I cannot do the same for her either. But things changed. They are different. Is this the beginning of our problems? Will she become just like Juliana? Contacting me will cease to be a voluntary action to become a mandatory annoyance? Is it me the one to blame? Am I suffocating them with my constant need for attention? Is it wrong to expect this attention from them when I am all attention to them?
Well, if I am suffocating Yulia, I don't want to do that... So I sent a quick message to say the plane had arrived, that I missed her, that I loved her and that I would SMS again when I arrived in Bangkok. After that I switched off my phone and did not wait for a reply. I'm sure she said something but I didn't want to see it. I'll check in Bangkok, ten hours from now...
Tuesday 6 January 2004
Good Lord; help me cope...
... cope with these feelings I have. The feeling of missing her. The feeling of abandonment. The feeling things might change now that I am leaving. The insecurity associated with the fact she is so young.
I am at the airport. Where else do I write, anyway? Seems I only manage to update my blog on planes or airports. The flight to Istanbul is delayed. The lady from Turkish Airlines said there were problems in Istanbul and all flights were delayed. No further explanation. I just hope it has nothing to do with the war in Iraq.
I called Yulia a she did not pick up the call. I figured she did not hear the phone so I sent an SMS saying I had called and when she was free she could SMS me back. She did, shortly after. Said indeed she did not hear the phone. She was on the way to the skiing station with her cousin and friends.
I cannot expect life to be any different for her now that I am going away, can I? She will resume doing things she does normally. After all, she is having her school recess. She should be enjoying herself.
But I can't help but wonder whether I was a burden to her during these two weeks as I changed her life completely. Of course she did not act as if I was a burden. She seemed very happy. Acted very happy. Said she was happy. But I still wonder...
I guess I have serious problems. I found out I am obsessive compulsive and seems I am also manic depressive. Needy. Is it normal to need attention like this? Is it ok to feel left alone when I am stuck in the airport and she is having fun?
It is a weird feeling the one I have. Of course I always want her to have fun. I always want her to be happy. But part of me insists there is something wrong. I know I should feel embarrassed for feeling abandoned. It is not her fault the flights are delayed. It's not her fault I am stuck here with nothing to do. Should she keep me company via SMS? I would do it for her. Maybe that is why I feel sad. But love should be about giving always, right? Not taking...
Reminds me of something my father said once. He never made any comments on girlfriends I had but there was this one time he did, when I took a girlfriend to Rio de Janeiro (I lived in Sao Paulo, then). I was very much in love. When were alone together, just he and I, I asked what he thought about her. Then he said: "Oh, she is very sweet. Just remember it is important that she loves you as much or even more than you love her"... It took me a couple of years to understand what he meant.
Am I doing it again? Is there such thing Sheena Easton "hopelessly devoted to you"? Is there such thing as "way too romantic"? Do you really have to pretend not to love someone to be loved more? Is she taking me for granted already? Because of all the attention I give her, because of all the loving words, support etc. Does she feel she cannot loose me and it's ok if I am not always in her mind? Or am I being paranoid? Am I letting myself be carried away by my cravings for attention?
How does love go? How does missing a loved one go? When people say "I miss you", is it just or the sake of saying it? Shouldn't there be a feeling behind the words? What is the "normal" way? I sit here and think about work, football matches, eventually about her and then I think "Let me tell her I miss her because she might like it"? Then I resume thinking about other things and never expect a reply or for her to miss me too? Gee, sounds so phoney! Is this really the way it goes?
I am at the airport. Where else do I write, anyway? Seems I only manage to update my blog on planes or airports. The flight to Istanbul is delayed. The lady from Turkish Airlines said there were problems in Istanbul and all flights were delayed. No further explanation. I just hope it has nothing to do with the war in Iraq.
I called Yulia a she did not pick up the call. I figured she did not hear the phone so I sent an SMS saying I had called and when she was free she could SMS me back. She did, shortly after. Said indeed she did not hear the phone. She was on the way to the skiing station with her cousin and friends.
I cannot expect life to be any different for her now that I am going away, can I? She will resume doing things she does normally. After all, she is having her school recess. She should be enjoying herself.
But I can't help but wonder whether I was a burden to her during these two weeks as I changed her life completely. Of course she did not act as if I was a burden. She seemed very happy. Acted very happy. Said she was happy. But I still wonder...
I guess I have serious problems. I found out I am obsessive compulsive and seems I am also manic depressive. Needy. Is it normal to need attention like this? Is it ok to feel left alone when I am stuck in the airport and she is having fun?
It is a weird feeling the one I have. Of course I always want her to have fun. I always want her to be happy. But part of me insists there is something wrong. I know I should feel embarrassed for feeling abandoned. It is not her fault the flights are delayed. It's not her fault I am stuck here with nothing to do. Should she keep me company via SMS? I would do it for her. Maybe that is why I feel sad. But love should be about giving always, right? Not taking...
Reminds me of something my father said once. He never made any comments on girlfriends I had but there was this one time he did, when I took a girlfriend to Rio de Janeiro (I lived in Sao Paulo, then). I was very much in love. When were alone together, just he and I, I asked what he thought about her. Then he said: "Oh, she is very sweet. Just remember it is important that she loves you as much or even more than you love her"... It took me a couple of years to understand what he meant.
Am I doing it again? Is there such thing Sheena Easton "hopelessly devoted to you"? Is there such thing as "way too romantic"? Do you really have to pretend not to love someone to be loved more? Is she taking me for granted already? Because of all the attention I give her, because of all the loving words, support etc. Does she feel she cannot loose me and it's ok if I am not always in her mind? Or am I being paranoid? Am I letting myself be carried away by my cravings for attention?
How does love go? How does missing a loved one go? When people say "I miss you", is it just or the sake of saying it? Shouldn't there be a feeling behind the words? What is the "normal" way? I sit here and think about work, football matches, eventually about her and then I think "Let me tell her I miss her because she might like it"? Then I resume thinking about other things and never expect a reply or for her to miss me too? Gee, sounds so phoney! Is this really the way it goes?
Monday 5 January 2004
The sad moment of goodbyes
... and the tears rolled down her face. It happened this morning. So early that the sun could neither witness nor dry them. The cold winter wind caressed her beautiful blonde her, as I watched in owe her angel eyes close and even more tears wet her rosy cheeks.
I had had my share of crying before, on the way to the airport, while softly tracing with the tips of my fingers all the contours of her figure. As much as I tried to hide, she caught me and kissed the tears away, promising me we would not be apart for long.
We were all sad - even her parents. The two weeks I had were enough for me to love the entire family and for the entire family to love me too. So it was no surprise we all were fighting the tears. Alina woke up early to wish me a good flight. The night before, Auntie and uncle came to say goodbye. That morning it was Grandpa. Cousins called. Mom and Dad were very quiet.
Now, hours later, alone in the cold room of Rossia Hotel, I still cry, missing my beautiful Russian Wife. My Baby Girl. My new chance to be happy. Yulia, my Love.
I had had my share of crying before, on the way to the airport, while softly tracing with the tips of my fingers all the contours of her figure. As much as I tried to hide, she caught me and kissed the tears away, promising me we would not be apart for long.
We were all sad - even her parents. The two weeks I had were enough for me to love the entire family and for the entire family to love me too. So it was no surprise we all were fighting the tears. Alina woke up early to wish me a good flight. The night before, Auntie and uncle came to say goodbye. That morning it was Grandpa. Cousins called. Mom and Dad were very quiet.
Now, hours later, alone in the cold room of Rossia Hotel, I still cry, missing my beautiful Russian Wife. My Baby Girl. My new chance to be happy. Yulia, my Love.
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