And life goes on; A series of meaningless events. Sometimes a bit of fun, most of the time just plain boredom. Maybe I shouldn’t be complaining… I mean, I have almost everything I have ever wished for. Almost. Are we ever content? I don’t think so. It’s just human nature, I guess.

With all this SARS (Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome) madness, my travels have been canceled. Even customers are trying to avoid having people from SARS infected regions coming over to their countries and their sites. Would you blame them? Of course not. It doesn’t hurt being careful nowadays. But the fact is, there isn’t much to be done in Singapore. Apart from helping the sales guys in presentations and doing administrative work, nothing much is happening. I should be glad as it gives me a chance to study a bit, rest a bit, enjoy home a bit. BUT I still feel lonely and being home alone brings adventure to Macaulay Culkin only, not me.

I love my apartment. I really do. Friends will tell me it’s too big for me, that I should move to a smaller place, which would be cheaper etc etc etc. But I really love my apartment. The only problem I have with it right now is: it feels empty. No one to talk to, noise and voices only coming from the huge TV set on the living room, a fridge stuffed with fruits and drink, nothing else. And they last weeks.

In the end, I know it’s not the apartment that is empty or too big. It’s my heart.

Let’s see… I have a e-Friend in Romania who says she can come to visit anytime. We talk frequently over the internet. She’s very concerned about my well being and gets worried if I do not show up online for two or three days. But she’s there and I am here. Doesn’t help much and these internet chats are ok but at certain point in time you just get really bored. It’s too ‘impersonal’ no matter how ‘personal’ you get. Then there is the Thai girl. She calls twice a week asking me if I am alright and saying she misses me. I believe she does but I am not really interested. Then, the girls who replied to my personal ad online (oh, you didn’t know I had one? I do!!! But, no, I am not telling where. Seek and thou shall find!). Most of them, however, just want pen pals. And as I said, I am getting bored of all these internet ‘relations’. The one I wanted to write sent me a note saying ‘hang in there, I’ll sent you an email in a couple of days’. That’s the Danish girl with the pretty nose. Not putting much faith on her promise. The Indonesian neighbour, oh man, that is really a problem. But I think I solved it today. I had a rough conversation with her over the phone this morning, was forced to tell her to leave me alone. I hate being rude to people but she just wouldn’t get it!!! I am not her boyfriend. I do not want her to be my girlfriend. And she keeps stalking me, for Christ sakes! Arrgh!

The aftermath is: I still have no one.

Tomorrow, one of the Thai girls is coming to Singapore. I am importing company! How bad is that? Again, I do not believe we will fall deeply in love for each other and live happily ever after, but whatever happens, if she keeps me company for two weeks, that’s good enough for me. I won’t be so bored. Sad, sad, sad…

“We live in constant fear of the Future. But it’s the Past who run us over and kill”. (Mario Quintana)

“Protect me from what I want” (Sleeping with Ghosts, Placebo)

Time passes by… It’s been six months since she left. Three months since I last saw her. I met new girls, I had fun, and I kept trying to move on, live a normal life, take my time and re-start. Why does it have to be so hard, though? Is it hard to everyone or am I weaker than the rest. Or was this love stronger than the average? Is there such thing? “Strong” or “weak” or “average” love?

The fact is, I still miss her. And lately, after the incident with the Thai sisters, I have really been thinking about how difficult it is to start over. And to find the right girl. To find what I am looking for. What I call the good “bad girl”. I am sure she’s out there, but where? How do I find her? Am I doing something wrong or have I just forgotten how to play the “waiting” game?

I wonder if she is happy. If she thinks of me. And I know this feeling. I am about to call and ask if she wants to give it another try. Is there any chance things might have changed in six months? A little hard to believe, isn’t it? I’d say so…

What should I do? WHAT? And then Gibarian repeats to me in my sleep: No answer, only choices…

Be careful with what you ask for… You might get it!

And I asked for company. I asked for someone who could help me and ease the process of purging J from my blood stream. But I probably failed miserably in defining exactly what I was looking for, because now I find myself in trouble. Some would just love to be in this kind of trouble, I know. But though I can see some good in it, I am not happy at all.

This is what’s happening: I met this girl in Bangkok and it was almost like love at first sight (not exactly just because I have made a promise to myself not to fall for things too easily... But, back to the girl) I saw her sitting there and felt attracted immediately. I went to sit beside her and try to small talk, you know, the usual thing. And, well, she did not seem very impressed nor interested. I was about to give up when her sister showed up. And it was a totally different story.

Her younger sister, Tok, was fun, talkative, very sweet and got interested in me. The original girl, Prang (here we go with the Pokemon names again) was drinking too much, smoking too much and not talkative at all. Maybe she was upset about something, who could tell? I ended up giving more attention to Tok and that might have triggered something in Prang because the next time we met, she was upset with me for being with Tok! Now I have the sisters fighting over me. Prang saying she liked me but when we met she was half drunk and not feeling well. Her sister, says she is jealous and an opportunist, trying to ‘steal’ me because I am a nice guy.

They both call me, they both say they like me and they both get upset if I do not call. As I said, some would say “Wow! This guy is really good and I wish I was in his shoes!”. How come I am not happy about the whole thing?

Do you really want to know what I feel? Honestly? I think Tok likes me. Really. Prang doesn’t. But Tok is too shy, too sweet, too naïve. She looks at me with loving eyes. She cares, she leans on me, she caresses me. And yet I still like Prang. Why? Because Prang is the “bad girl” type. When she looks at me her eyes say “I’m going to f@$k you silly!”. Bottom line is, she reminds me of J. I know that, given the chance, she would break my heart just like J did. But I cannot avoid being attracted to her.

And I do not want to break Tok’s heart either. So what did I decide to do? I gave up on both. Tok probably could be a good wife. Prang probably could be a great lover. I cannot have both. And I am looking for both things in one person only. So, I am moving on… Again… Alone… Still…

"Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you? There are no answers, only choices." (Gibarian, in Solaris)

Remember when sky-diving was dangerous and sex was safe? Yeah, things do change... Now, the lastest decease kills in one week. Comparared to that, AIDS does not look so bad anymore. It goes like:

- What do you have?
- AIDS...
- Oh, you're so lucky!
- I beg your pardon???
- Well... I mean, I am sorry for you but I've got SARS and I'll be dead next week. At least you still have, say, three to five years to prepare yourself!!!

I wonder, If I scape this one, what will come next? First, having sex became dangerous. Now kissing might kill you. Next thing you know, you might get a decease just for looking at people.

In a few years from now you will be having a conversation with your doctor:

- Yes, health seems OK but I'm afraid you will have to cut down your sex life by 50%.
- And what 50% should I avoid? Talking about sex or thinking about it???

Sounds funny? Well, it isn't... I was scared to come back to Singapore. Honestly (and amazingly), I felt safer in Thailand. Singapore has over a hundred reported cases of SARS; Thailand has two. Thirteen people already died in Singapore. In Thailand, those 2. Hospitals are better here, of course. So, should something happen, it is indeed better to be here. But still, I felt safer in Thailand. The country's reported cases were reported in the south, near Malaysia. Now the government imposed a band on people coming from infected (or black listed) countries. Meaning, I might spend sometime here. That is, if I do not die next week...