She is doing it again… Or am I? Who’s calling who? Get out of my life! Get out of my blood stream! Please, leave me alone! Let go of me!!! If I could so easily let Evie go, why not her? Because Evie was a friendship gone bad. And five years don’t go away in a week. Where are you? Where in the world are you? Do you exist at all? Please, give me a sign!!! My life is shattering. It’s all falling apart. I haven’t been able to concentrate. I have not been doing things I am supposed to do. What is wrong with me? It’s all about being content. Should be easy since everything seems favourable. I miss Denmark. I miss my friend. I haven’t replied to her email yet. She might think I am upset or something. Should I quit my job? And do what? Start over? Yet another time? From nothing again? It will pass. It always does. This is a theatre. Nothing is real. It’s just a theatre. I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten her pregnant. Would it be any different? Goy did not write me today. I hope she is fine. Poor Melody… Things did not go as we had planned… It’s not my fault. It’s nobody’s fault. She knows it. But why did she have to go and get drunk? It’s so disappointing…My friend says there are always too many sad stories. He is right. Maybe mine is one too? Does it have to be? Nat called. Now. She just called. It’s almost 2:30 in the morning and she called. I would be a bit upset if I wasn’t so lonely. But I was actually glad she did. She just wanted to say “hi”. Makes me feel a bit better. Am I going crazy? No. Certainly not. They say when you are able to actually ask yourself that, then you are not. Crazy people (hardly the politically correct term, I know) just loose contact with reality. But what is real? What is real if all is but a theatre? It’s about being content. I should be content. Then everything would fall into place again.
She would be 8 month now. Or more. Or maybe we would have a baby already. Would that have changed anything at all? Or made things worst? I should go to bed… It’s bearable when I am asleep… I really should get to bed…

Another flight, another delay. I'm telling you, the exception became the rule. Singapore Airlines did not use to be like this; they have changed. And not for the better, I'm afraid. There's always a reason: security, control, inspections... But if the result is the same and there is nothing customers can do about it, does it matter? Lately, even getting the 'Strait Times' has been a problem - if you don't rush, you end up without it. Cheap economy, if you ask me. It's sad to see things going this way...

Oh, my feet hurt! After my friend and I arrived to KL we basically dropped our luggage at the hotels and went shopping. Yeah, what do you know? Guys do that too!!! We went DVD and CD shopping. I, just as it would be expected of me, over did it, I'm afraid, and now I'm going back to Singapore with a whole bunch of disks. Good, lah! At least I'll have something to do if I get stuck in town again...

I bought: Chicago, The Recruit, Evelyn, Analyze That, The Virgin Suicides, Vampire Hunter "D" (I couldn't resist, Ha! Gotta love these Japanese Mangas), They, Phone Booth, The Story of Us (I had the VCD, but I just had to have the DVD, better quality, you know. I'll watch it again and cry, cry, cry...), Jade ('Some fantasies go too far...' Doesn't it sound just like me? Hehe), Anger Management, X-Men 2 (Storm rules, babe!) and Daredevil (My all time favorite comics’ hero).

Unfamiliar with any of these? Try www.imdb.com!!!

Oh, so tired, so tired, so tired... Geez, I don't know what is happening to Singapore Airlines! Lately, all flights suffer some sort of delay! The exception became the rule. There's always some passenger missing, some 'main control' issue or some luggage that has to be identified and removed. Check this: the flight to Malaysia is only 50 minutes long; our plane was supposed to take off 8:45 but only did at 9:15 - that's 30 minutes, more than half of the flight! There should reimburse passengers for the delay they cause...

Arrgh!!! This SARS thing is really getting to my nerves! If it was not enough to have to go for medical checks and a mask in Thailand, now to enter Singapore one has to fill in a health control form. As if the form would really make a difference. I mean, people lie! Do you really think anyone with SARS symptoms would mention it in the form? If they wouldn't mention it without being asked, would they because they were given a form? During the flight, this guy sitting across from me switched on his mobile, sent a SMS and switched it off again. We all know mobiles are to be off at all times. If he does that, not really concerned about other people, would you expect him to be honest when filling in a form? Humph!!!

I was supposed to call Melody and didn't. It wasn't my intention; it just happened. She wants to go to Singapore; changed her mind, it seems. At first she was scared of SARS but something happened and SARS is not such a big issue anymore. I like her a lot, but I'm not sure she is what I am looking for. She is less shy than Goy but does that mean she can cope with the task? I'm not sure... And would her presence impact my search? It would be nice to have company but what happens when I finally find what I'm looking for? If I know her well enough, she'll be devastated and I don't want to break her heart. Then, she might turn bitter and I just can't handle that - had enough of that already. So, what am I to do? Turn her down on her plea to come to Singapore? I do not know if Goy is coming and if she isn't, it would be nice to have Melody around. Funny... Last time we met, she was so careful not to get too close... Maybe she just doesn't want to fall in love... Or would there be more to it than what it seems?

Time to go back home. Goy was kind enough to bring me to the airport. She is very sweet, a really good girl. That is good and bad. I wish she was more daring, less shy. I do not like dealing with shy girls... But anyway, I'll miss her. I'm not sure for how long, but I'll miss her. Sad as it is, relationships are like flowers: they need attention, caring, nurturing or they die. Just as I told Nat, during the first week I'll miss her every hour; the second week I'll miss her every day... On the third week apart, I'll miss her now and then. I know it's sad, but it's true and I'll won't lie about it. I told her, if she had her passport, I'd buy a ticket for her to come back with me. But it seems things are not so easy... There's some sort of trouble with her ID card. She says she was involved in an accident and has to report to the authorities in Chiang Rai. I hope it's nothing serious...

I get attached so easily! Just give me some attention and I'm hooked. I know it shouldn't be like this, but what am I to do? Goy has been good company these past few days. She is pretty (not exactly 'drop dead gorgeous' but I never really cared about small things), a bit to the plump side (which is quite to my liking, I might have mentioned) and, the most important thing, she is very loving. She likes cuddling, leans on me all the time and always has a smile for me. How could I possibly resist her? We've been together for three days and I've been having a wonderful time. Now, as the time approaches that I'll have to leave, I begin to miss her... How long will this feeling last? I don't know. And I wonder what will happen. I almost invited her to come to Singapore with me... Good Lord, I have inviting so many people. I must really be desperate!

Melody, my Philippina friend, had a change of heart. She now wants to go to Singapore. At first she was scared of SARS, now something made her change her mind. She even mentioned it doesn't matter if I find a girlfriend. She says she can't stand the Philippines any more. That worries me a bit...

Early day in Bangkok... I here I am at St. Paul's Hospital, wearing a face mask, in a room designated for people coming from SARS infected countries, awaiting a doctor who is going to ask me three questions which I will answer negatively. She’ll check my temperature and declare I am SARS free and able to work…

- Did you have fever the last few days?
- No.
- Did you have cough or running nose?
- No.
- Did you get any contact with a SARS patient?
- No.
- Let me see that thermometer, now… Hmmm… Yeah! You’re fine. Bye.

And that was it. Now I can go on site and start what I came here to do… (sighs)

Ingrid: Don’t do it again, Astrid…
Astrid: Do what again?
Ingrid: Attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely…
(White Oleander, 2002)

I was tired but forced myself to go out. I wanted to see Bangkok again. So I decided I could pay Nat a visit. Perhaps look for Beem as well, though I didn’t expect to find her. As it turned out, Nat was available for a quick chat and a drink but Beem was nowhere to be found. Such a pity… I was hoping she would be there. Her friends said she was sick and had returned home, up country. But I don’t know. When I called, some guy answered the phone. She said it was her brother. But it sure did not sound like it…

I was thinking of inviting her to come to Singapore with me. I could use the company and I am sure she wouldn’t mind. However, after the phone call I started thinking… Maybe I think too much. Yeah… Maybe…

Anyway, bringing her to Singapore would be using her, wouldn’t it? It’s undeniable it would be mutual: she would be using me too, but do we really understand this “using” people thing? Let think about it for a moment, shall we?

I need company. She wants to experience new things. I am not really interested in her, emotionally. She is probably more interested in enjoying whatever opportunity of being out of Thailand she can have. We both know we are using each other. Does that make it “OK”? Is it ok to “use” people when they know they are being used?

“Hi, let’s make a deal, we stay together while it’s convenient for the both of us; not any longer, ok?”

Geez, sounds silly but aren’t all relationships like this? Think about your job, for example. Your company pays you because you are useful. When you stop being useful or when someone with same characteristics and charging less appears - POW - you are history. And from your perspective, if you were to be offered a better salary, working less, perhaps in a more pleasant environment, wouldn’t you quit your job and move? Don’t you and your company both understand this???

Is it really different with people? J used me and I used her. She put me up when I was down and I took her in, away from the problems she had. Now, thinking about it, why aren’t we together anymore??? Because we do not *need* each other anymore. Or at least, not the way we both needed each other before. I solved my problems. She solved hers. If we were together for sometime after that it was because in the process of solving our mutual problems I started loving her. But that was something that wasn’t mutual. And as a result, we’re not together anymore. I started needing her love and she had other needs I could not fulfil.

I guess we were both floating logs during a huge flood. We both served our purpose. Reminds me of Tom Hanks’ “Cast Away”… Remember when he leaves the island and his ‘friend’, the ball, floats away? He gets desperate, trying to reach and ‘save’ him… This is what happened when J and I parted ways. I was desperate trying to ‘save’ her, keep her with me. But she was wiser. She had a better understanding of our relationship. She was eager to ‘float’ away. And I missed her...

But life imitates art. And my movie is not over yet…

---

Oh, yeah, and before I forget it… Prang sent me a message. Someone might have told her I was in Bangkok again. Funny… She vanished without a word and just like that, out of the blue, sends me a message saying “I miss you; I did not forget you. You forgot about me”. I guess she was done using whoever she was using and saw the opportunity of using me again. Well… Maybe some other time, Prang… Not this time…

So, here I am, back in Thailand. Geez, it’s good to be able to travel again. Not that I wasn’t enjoying being home, but being alone was getting to my nerves. I told you before: I like being alone BUT when it’s my choice to do so! Isn’t it sad when you really need company and there is no one around? When you need to talk, see someone, feel you are not alone. Of course I know we are never really alone. How could we be? Hello!!! Six billion people are trying hard not to bump into each other every single day. How can one be alone? (Or as Louis would say: Izziiiit??? How can one?)

But, yeah, so it happens that sometimes, even with all the crowd moving around every second, we sometimes feel there is no one like us in the entire world. (sighs) I wonder what Schopenhauer has to say about it… Hmmm… Maybe I should look into that. Or maybe not!

My friend did not right me back. Part of me says she needs this distance. Part of me says she thinks I’m a freak. Part of me worries she might not be well. Part of me says she’s doing fine and it’s just that life has been hectic. Maybe all of the above are true. That’s what another part of me says matter-of-factly. Who knows? I wish I did.

But it’s ok. Life goes on. And we learn, whether we like it or not…

For a long time, the western world believed we had just one life to live. You’d be born, would live your life the best you could trying hard not to get God pissed; you’d do a lot of praying to prove to God and yourself you were truly sorry about stupid things you did and then, when you died, that was it. You’d go to heaven, purgatory or hell while you waited for the judgment day. Pretty simple and straight forward.

Then, men, eternally curious about things, started asking questions. Questions like “How come God, being pure Love and Forgiveness, will take away the life of some poor innocent newly-born while some worthless scumbags sometimes live ‘forever’?”. And that would generate infinite quarrels over the ‘fairness’ of the entire process. It did not sound too right. Something was missing. “Why will some honest, hard working, God fearing people suffer throughout their entire lives while others will live happily regardless how skewed, degraded, immoral and far from God they are?” “Why are some of us so fortunate while others are doomed to be miserable?”… Yeah… Something had to be missing.

Then, someone very smart or ingenious came up with this explanation: The soul is immortal. When you die, it’s not necessarily over. You get a chance to do it right, in case you did it wrong. Or to try new things, new life styles, new experiences. Sometimes, even by option, learning through suffering. God is so cool She/He will actually let you do it. Give you this opportunity to learn through your mistakes. The trick was, you would have to pass away, go through some sort of souls-only washing machine and then come back. Fresh. In a new body. Untainted. Starting all over again.

Of course it sounded crazy. But, if true, it would explain a lot of the day-to-day injustices we see. Based on this new theory, you could say things like “See that man with that too-rare-to-be-named disease? He might have done something very bad last time he was around…” or “Those who die young are the ones God loves most” (Greek proverb). The entire thing did not sound unfair anymore. There would be a reason behind diseases, suffering, and pain. The reason being “it’s part of a learning process”. And it’s just something you have to do. Just like being in a school, where you have to learn even things you do not like to graduate. This new ‘thing’ was called re-incarnation. Pretty cool, huh?

- Now, let me think for a moment… You mean to say “we all die but come back”?
- Yep.
- Just “lai dat”? (you’d say in good Singlish)
- Yep.
- So, it’s always us around???
- So it seems! Yeah.
- Ok… But… I am confused… If we are always coming back… if it’s always just us… how come the global population is always growing? How can we have more souls coming back than going? If this is a school, shouldn’t be the other way around? As soon as you ‘graduate’ you’re out of here???
- Erm… Well… I mean… Hold on lemme think… … … Geez! I dunno!!!

Are you still reading? Good, because this is exactly where I wanted to get. Some say there is some sort of ‘soul factory’. A place where ‘souls’ are created. Further more, they are not created brand new. They are reconditioned. And what are they made of? Souls, of course!!! The recipe is somewhat like this: You get a soul. You put it through the ‘Soul-o-matic’. The machine analyses the soul’s purity, quality, experiences acquired in the last learning processes etc, then carefully cuts it in half making sure things are well divided and that both halves can exist apart from each other, no problem. Each piece becomes a new ‘old soul’, retaining some of its original characteristics and some of the life experiences it had before. These halves receive a unique symbol they are able to match in case they meet again and then they are named ‘soul mates’. That’s why the population is growing, see? Easy!

The problem is, all separations leave scars and a feeling of absence. And these souls tend to look for each other so as to have the feeling of ‘completeness’ again. It’s almost like a hide-and-seek game, because we never know where the other half will show up. And we play this game until we either find our soul mate or we give up.

And how do we know we found our ‘other half’? “By matching the unique symbol” you’d say! Right! Perfect. But once we are trapped in our physical bodies, it’s really hard to see it. It’s just above the right shoulder, actually; Some funny looking kind of ‘light’, they say. But most of us just cannot see it!!!

Well, there are other ways to identify our soul mates. But, gotta tell ya, it’s not so easy. Since asking would be weird (“Hi, do you happen to be my soul mate?”) and trying out every single person alive is impossible (“Sorry, darling, it’s not you… NEXT!”), we follow our instincts and filter out those souls with characteristics we really think have nothing to do with us. That can also be risky, because we can never tell what part of us was entirely given to the other half, but it’s the best we can do, I guess. It can take quite a while, a life time to be more precise, to find your soul mate. Sometimes you don’t even succeed. And to make the game even more interesting, sometimes you find her and you just don’t realise.

- Say, WHAT??? You find it and don’t realize it?
- Yeah… Sad, ain’t it?
- No! Not sad: Stupid, that is!!!
- It happens…
- But WHY???

You see, once divided, souls are independent. They continue their learning process in different paths, different rhythms, different learning speeds and even different subjects. And sometimes it just happens that when they meet… well, they are not really “ready” to meet.

- Can not, lah!!! So how? What happens, then?
- They let go. Maybe the best thing to do… And they keep searching.
- I’ll never understand… why keep searching if you already found it?
- Hold on! Do not be fooled! There is hardly a guarantee that you actually ‘found’ it. Maybe you were misled by the signals. Maybe you just found some soul that is very compatible to yours (remember, we all come from the same source, Love).
- Yeah, but what if the one you found was reaaaaaally the one you were looking for? Your true, original, reconditioned soul mate?
- In that case, don’t worry. The universe conspires for you two to meet again. And maybe next time, you will both be ready…

And I let him leave with a smile while I ponder if that last statement was really true…

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”. (Maya Angelou)

Good For Your Soul (by Oingo Boingo)

Have you ever felt that somehow
you were not yourself?
That your body was the same
but everything around you wasn't right?
And images so strange and foreign
Flooded in like raging water?

Have you ever been in love
with someone you hardly knew?
Whereas every time you closed your eyes,
you saw this person come alive?
It kept you wide awake at night.
You felt like you were burning up.
In pain, you want to scream...
Then you passed out in a dream?

CHORUS:
Just once or twice is good for your soul
Just once or twice is good for your soul
If you don't stop, you'll lose control
Just once or twice is good for your soul

Every lay there half asleep all hours of the night?
With some nagging demon tugging at that tiny bell
inside your mind?
When suddenly that strange idea
bursts into an inspiration!
You grab for it and then...
The whole thing slips right through your fingers.

CHORUS

Just once or twice is good for your soul
Just once or twice is good for your soul
Just once or twice is good for your soul
Just once or twice is good for your soul
It's good for your soul
It's good for your soul
It's good for your soul
It's good for your soul

“I'm on the outside, I'm on the outside now
This is where it all begins on the outside looking in
Looking in
At you
I'm just an alien through and through
Tryin' to make believe I'm you
Tryin' to fit
Just a stranger on the outside looking in…”
(On the Outside, Oingo Boingo)

So life is to be lived one day at a time. One step after the other. Ok… “Baby steps to the door, baby steps to the corridor, baby steps to the world”? Sometimes don’t you just wish you had longer legs? I know it sounds odd coming from a guy who’s always complaining the world goes way too fast for us to enjoy. But, how long a minute lasts, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on, right?

I know I am not making much sense, but do I ever? It’s just that something happened. Nothing much, you would say, but it is something for me. It was just an email I got. Yeah, I know that, just like anyone else, I receive loads of them daily. But this particular email… Ah, this one was special. This one came from someone very far but I that somehow feel very close. Nopes, you haven’t been introduced yet. Erm… Quite honestly, neither have I. I mean, not properly.

“Hello! How do you do? My name is Wolf; What’s your name? Nice to meet you”… Just like in that old red-cover book I used in my first year at the British school. “Sally is a typist! Bob is a Van Driver!” - Geez, being a van driver used to be a profession. And so was being a typist! Things were so simple back then. How the heck did they get so complicated suddenly? Or was I napping for the last 20-Something years?

Anyway, “There is something about Mary”… She’s a sorcerer, maybe. And right now I’m under her spell. And I never even met her. It’s just that she seems to have so much to say. And seems to be the kind of person who really says things that matter. Then again, maybe not! It might be just my imagination projecting what I would like to find in her. Could that be the case? How come it didn’t happen before? At least not like this. Holy smokes! I am really going bananas!!!

Better let it go for a moment. Thinking too much about it won’t do me any good. Won’t help her any, either. If I keep thinking about her too much, the poor thing will start having strange headaches for no apparent reason. It would be a sin to have this happen to her. Even if I’m only thinking good thoughts.

ENOUGH!

My dream house… Did I ever mention my dream house? The place where I want to spend the rest of my earthly days? I do not recall mentioning it. Well, if I did, just skip the post. If not, here’s a picture.

It will be a two story house. Big in the sense of spacious. Rooms will be big so I won’t have the feeling I am confined. It doesn’t matter furniture will look so small or just not enough. I need all the space I can have without being sumptuous. I do not need to impress anyone. I just need space. I like that.

It will sit in front of a lake and it will have the woods for backyard. The house will be lifted from the ground. Not too much. Just a bit. Again, not much. Maybe half a meter or so. Not because of floods but so small animals from the woods will look for shelter underneath it and not inside it. And I am not expecting big animals. I want the woods for backyard, not a forest.

My nearest neighbour will live 2 or 3 kilometres away and if possible, I don’t even want be able to see his house. The place will be so quite that during the night, I will be able to listen to the world speaking. No noise. No sound of cars or people or the annoying humming sound from cities. I will be able to hear nature. Crickets from a distance. The wind. And the sound coming from the lake.

My living room will have a fireplace and during cold winter nights, it will keep the house warm. Before heading to bed, I will sometimes sit on the comfortable sofa facing the fireplace and gaze at the wood burning, listening to its sounds. During summer time, all windows will be fully open to let the breeze ventilate the house. And the windows shall be huge wide windows. From floor to ceiling, if possible so doors will not be a necessity.

My home office will be on the second floor, facing the lake. And I will have a reading room and a music room as well. All the rooms on the second floor will be connected by the balcony, where wooden rocking chairs, small round tables and recliners will be available. Solar cells will provide energy for the boilers and heaters in the house. Air-conditioning system will not be required, neither in the common areas nor on the four suites.

Three things left to say:

1) Though far from the city and all its noise, the house will have all the modern life facilities. Or do you think I can survive without the Internet, Cable TV and other modern life amenities? I never said I wanted to be a hermit!

2) No, I will not be alone. My lovely wife and charming kids will be there with me. I am yet to meet her, but then again, the house is yet to be finished.

3) You might be thinking “Dream on… It doesn’t hurt” and I do understand your scepticism. But remember, all that *is* now was once a dream in someone’s creative imagination…

In my life, I have noticed, things change every seven years. Maybe it’s just a coincidence or maybe not. I do not recall what the change was when I was 7 but I do remember the big change shortly after my 14th birthday: my parents got divorced. Being a teenager I had a hard time adjusting to the new situation. Pretty much because everything seemed to be so normal at home. I mean, there were no signs it was about to happen. But is not what I want to discuss right now; I am talking about the changes… After my 21st birthday I got married. New change, new life. Those changes did not happen over night, of course, but curiously enough they all happened in this seven year cycle.

Well, last year I turned 35 and I must confess I was awaiting the big change to hit me. I though “life is going to change again” and I wondered what destiny had is store for me. But until now, I thought, nothing had happened and that only added to the apprehensiveness of my situation. Then, today it struck me that the change might have already happened.

It crossed my mind while letting my mind wander that J left shortly after my 35th birthday. And ever since, I’ve been trying hard to figure out what to do about it. I tried dating, I tried having fun, I have been fighting depression. I tried meeting people, I tried being alone I even tried ‘renting’ company. All to no avail. Maybe THIS is the change, this time so subtle I did not recognize it. My life has changed again. Or maybe it is still in the process. Am I getting ready for something different? Am I to learn how to stand on my own? It would be good for a change.

I never really knew how to be alone. Blame it on anything you want. Psychologists would say it’s because of unresolved issues with my parents divorce. Nah, I don’t think so. Some would say it’s because I was born under the sign of Libra and Libra man just can’t cope with being alone. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it’s just my loving romantic nature. Who knows? I really don’t. And I couldn’t care less. It’s just how I am. I love being alone but when it’s my own choice when I need time for myself. Being alone because I just don’t have anyone to be with never sounded right. Still doesn’t. But maybe, just maybe, this is the change I have to face. Maybe this is what I need to learn to move on with my life. Perhaps it’s my wake up call. And I’ve been delaying this change because I cannot “let go”.

I will have to think this over… Yeah… I think I will have to…