Good Lord; help me cope...

... cope with these feelings I have. The feeling of missing her. The feeling of abandonment. The feeling things might change now that I am leaving. The insecurity associated with the fact she is so young.

I am at the airport. Where else do I write, anyway? Seems I only manage to update my blog on planes or airports. The flight to Istanbul is delayed. The lady from Turkish Airlines said there were problems in Istanbul and all flights were delayed. No further explanation. I just hope it has nothing to do with the war in Iraq.

I called Yulia a she did not pick up the call. I figured she did not hear the phone so I sent an SMS saying I had called and when she was free she could SMS me back. She did, shortly after. Said indeed she did not hear the phone. She was on the way to the skiing station with her cousin and friends.

I cannot expect life to be any different for her now that I am going away, can I? She will resume doing things she does normally. After all, she is having her school recess. She should be enjoying herself.

But I can't help but wonder whether I was a burden to her during these two weeks as I changed her life completely. Of course she did not act as if I was a burden. She seemed very happy. Acted very happy. Said she was happy. But I still wonder...

I guess I have serious problems. I found out I am obsessive compulsive and seems I am also manic depressive. Needy. Is it normal to need attention like this? Is it ok to feel left alone when I am stuck in the airport and she is having fun?

It is a weird feeling the one I have. Of course I always want her to have fun. I always want her to be happy. But part of me insists there is something wrong. I know I should feel embarrassed for feeling abandoned. It is not her fault the flights are delayed. It's not her fault I am stuck here with nothing to do. Should she keep me company via SMS? I would do it for her. Maybe that is why I feel sad. But love should be about giving always, right? Not taking...

Reminds me of something my father said once. He never made any comments on girlfriends I had but there was this one time he did, when I took a girlfriend to Rio de Janeiro (I lived in Sao Paulo, then). I was very much in love. When were alone together, just he and I, I asked what he thought about her. Then he said: "Oh, she is very sweet. Just remember it is important that she loves you as much or even more than you love her"... It took me a couple of years to understand what he meant.

Am I doing it again? Is there such thing Sheena Easton "hopelessly devoted to you"? Is there such thing as "way too romantic"? Do you really have to pretend not to love someone to be loved more? Is she taking me for granted already? Because of all the attention I give her, because of all the loving words, support etc. Does she feel she cannot loose me and it's ok if I am not always in her mind? Or am I being paranoid? Am I letting myself be carried away by my cravings for attention?

How does love go? How does missing a loved one go? When people say "I miss you", is it just or the sake of saying it? Shouldn't there be a feeling behind the words? What is the "normal" way? I sit here and think about work, football matches, eventually about her and then I think "Let me tell her I miss her because she might like it"? Then I resume thinking about other things and never expect a reply or for her to miss me too? Gee, sounds so phoney! Is this really the way it goes?