When Love and Sadness walk hand in hand

"Though I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. [...] Love is long suffering, love is kind, it does not envy, love does not brag, it has no pride; It is not rude, it is not selfish, it is not quickly made angry, it is not resentful; It does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things; Love never ends." -- The Holy Bible, Corinthians 13.

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"Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up and set it upon the bank. In the process, he was stung. He went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell in. The monk proceeded to save the scorpion and was again stung. The other monk asked him, 'Friend, why do you continue to help the scorpion when you know it is in its nature to sting?' 'Because,' the monk replied, 'it is in my nature to help.'" -- Unknown author

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I had written at least 6 update posts for my blog but lost them all when my trusted PDA ran out of batteries. All the latest news in my life were discussed, from my moving to Thailand to the visit of an incredible Finnish women. Post on love, Internet dating, sex, lies and videotapes. All lost... Such a pity. I wrote them while on my way to Brazil for vacations. Vacations that are already over and made me miss my home, my friends, my life in SE Asia. I am not home yet but it should take just a few more days.

I should write about all those lost posts and updates but since I left Brazil, a weight is pressing my chest and seems it won't be lifted until I voice out (o rather, type) the sadness I feel.

As one might have guessed by my two introductory text fragments, it has to do with love and helping others. How I wish love was a feeling attached to a device that you could easily switch off. True love is not like that, unfortunately. And it hurts so much when you see your loved ones digging their own graves. It hurts so much when all you do help means little or nothing, helps little or nothing, changes little or nothing. It hurts so much to know sooner or later you will be contacted with the worst possible news; news of death or permanent disability caused by a stroke or some terrible illness. It hurts even more that the cause of all this is the irresponsible behaviour of yet another loved one, someone you once thought could shine. Someone you dedicated your life to and now tells you bluntly: "you never did anything for me".

Remember The Butterfly Effect? Now I find myself thinking about that movie and wishing I had never met J and her family. Why? Because I love them. Loving them is not 'per se' a problem, of course. The problem, which causes me so much pain, is the realization I just can't help them avoid the tragic fate being written for them as I type. A fate that has been in writing for a long time. Since before I first met that cute insecure girl who used to bite her nails till they bled and with whom I once fell in love.

They had problems then. They had problems throughout my relationship with J. They had problems after we broke up and when I though their problems would - if not end, at least - attenuate, more problems, worst problems, keep happening. It is almost like a curse! Some one must have cursed that poor family because they never seem to get out of the difficulties they face. And they all seem oblivious to the inevitable consequences of their actions, incautiously accelerating towards the edge of the abysm that will take them apart, thrilled by the speed without noticing the surely fatal outcome of the ride.

They are lost. All of them. If only they could see what I see. If only I could show them the future. If only they would listen. If only they stopped, changed course, started helping each other instead of destroying the little that is left of the family... But no. They will not change. They never did, they never will. And the prospect of their future sadden me terribly.

I can't say how many tears I cried for them since I left Brazil but I know I have cried a lot. Even thinking about them, writing about their situation makes my eyes watery. The pain is so much I just wish I could erase them all from my mind, from my heart, from my life - just so the pain would stop and never have existed. I told myself I would avoid them, hence avoid my suffering (what the eyes can't see, the heart won't feel - as we say in my country) but love prevents me from turning my back on them.

What do you do when a loved one gets involved with drugs? What do you do when you try to talk him/her out of it and he/she won't listen? Do you desert him/her? Turn your back on him/her when he/she needs you most, even if he/she does not realise he/she does at that particular moment? How do you show someone he/she is in crash course when he/she thinks he/she is ok and you should mind your own business? How do you make this person see he/she is not ok. That he/she is creating problems for himself/herself and the others members of the family. That he/she is wasting his/her life?

How do you tell a sick person they are going to die and make them believe you when all they do is say 'I know, I know' and continue doing the same things that are killing them? Picture yourself in such situation: What would you do if the doctor told your mom she has diabetes and she keeps stuffing her face with sweets and cakes behind your back? How do you handle this? Do you let her find her death? Do you argue with her endlessly without result? Do you forbid and monitor? And how can you monitor if you are not there all the time? And how can you forbid her if she refuses to oblige and resents your trying to assist?

How do you make a child understand that, at 9 years old and being only 1.35m tall it is not normal to weight 55kg. How do you make this kid understand junk food, sweets and tons of carbohydrates are not good for her? How do you make them interested in sports and social activities that could, perhaps, take her mind away from her usual glutony habits? How can you do this if the example set by the mother does not help?

Problems do not stop there. There is a lot more saddening me. As I said, I really wanted to be able to forget about it and ignore. It's their lives after all and just like J said: It's none of my business and I can't show up once every four years and try to fix things they do not deem needs fixing. I wish I could forget. But I love them... And all I can do is watch them crash and burn, preparing myself to be available to collect what is left of the wreckage when it is all over.