I woke up 5:00 this morning. Again! Can you guess why? Yep, that’s right: J. She doesn’t call or anything but this link, this bond, this connection between us, the connection that was already fading when I was in Thailand, became stronger with my presence here. I woke up with a vivid image of J, not exactly a thought of things that happened, like a memory, but more like a “presence”. Spooky as it might sound, such presence was almost physical. It was as if she was in the room, watching me sleep. It is quite unlikely that she was awake at that time, unless she was partying with friends or wannabe boyfriends (always a possibility) but if you allow me to teach you something about this “psychic phone calls”, I will tell you: It works when you do not try too hard.

Here’s a little something you may try at home (haha). First of all, get a notepad, or personal scheduler, PDA or anything where you can write dates and times when you sent the “messages”. You will want to validate it later, and the only way to confirm it works is to know when you did it. Then, think of someone making sure you have an image of that person in your mind. Anything goes provided it’s a clear animated image. For example, you can think of the last time you were with that person, that will do. Next thing to do is to “think” of the message you want to send to that person. Don’t try to be funny or silly; you do not have to flex any muscles, shut your eyes very tight or pretend to be pushing something. Just think, for example, “I need to talk to you. Please call me”. As simple as that. But remember, the image of the person has to be clear in your mind and your message should be addressed to *that* person. As if you were actually talking to him/her.

That’s it. Now write it down on your notepad and forget about it. Totally. Don’t keep thinking, don’t keep sending, don’t call to confirm. Just forget it. If you want, later in the day, you can do it again. But the secret of success is “send and forget”. If you keep thinking, the “transmitting device” will not be able to send the “messages”.

If you do it right, do not be surprised if the person you were trying to “reach” calls you for no particular reason. And keep your notepad at hand, because if the person doesn’t call, next time you two meet, he/she might say something along the lines “Oh, I was thinking about you the other day!!! I almost called you.” Then you can get your notepad and confirm dates and times.

Now, back to my story here. Although I find it hard to believe (why would I wake up 5am to think of someone?) I might be the one initiating these ‘cosmic contacts’ with J. The reason is, I feel sorry for her. It’s not pity, it’s just that I would be saddened if the situation was the other way around. If she was visiting Singapore (or Thailand) and I heard she was there, tried to contact her just to know she did not want to see me, I would be very disappointed. We shared the same bed for 4 years (well, less than that if you disregard times when we broke up and she was away, but…), it was a marriage, a broken one but still a marriage. And now, I find myself avoiding someone I really loved. It doesn’t sound fair.

But I know that if we meet it is going to be painful. Painful to both of us, not only me, not only her. I am indeed better off without her but her family and friends tell me otherwise in regards to her. She is struggling. That makes me feel she might start again her so well know speech on how “we are meant to be” and I do not want that. Then, knowing her too well, she will get aggressive when she realizes all the sobbing and crying is not working. And she will attack me with accusations of silly threats (“I knew it, you never loved me for real” or “I cannot live without you, I will slit my wrists”), it would not be the first time. Would it help any to meet her? No! So, what’s the point? Why go through this?

I do not want to see her, nor talk to her. I hope she will forgive me and understand my reasons. I hope she’ll learn self-respect and find someone who she will really love. Then, all will be fine and we can laugh together about the silly things we did and the fun times we had.