Today was a great day. Almost perfect, I would say. And the only reason I say almost is because late afternoon something happened I wasn’t expecting. Read on and find out…

So, as I mentioned, the day started with VM and I having breakfast in a cute bakery shop. Nothing fancy, just a cup of nice Brazilian coffee and a French roll with butter. After that VM dropped me off at a taxi stand and went to work while I headed to ELP’s house. There, ELP and I chatted a lot; I helped him with some computer problems he had and he helped me getting a local mobile phone. I was trying to rent one but in the end, the solution was a lot better than I expected. Just recently Brazil had its first GSM network inaugurated (it was about time!!!). Before, all the big mobile ‘telcos’ were TDMA or CDMA, so my phone would never work here. Well, it still doesn’t but now it’s a roaming problem, not a network one.

In order to have a local number, all I had to do was buy a new SIM card. I bought a pre-paid one for R$45 (less than USD15), stuffed some credits into it and in 20 minutes I was using my own Sony Ericsson. Good, huh? I was pretty happy.

We returned to his house, I updated my blog. Sent some emails distributing my new phone number and then we just hung around not doing much. I don’t really remember why, but just as night was falling down, he showed me pictures of J that were in the camera when he got from her (my camera, which she brought to Brazil, remember?). I looked at the picture and did not recognize her immediately. I know this is very impolite to say but she looked terrible. She put on too much weight; to the point she looked worse than her mother! Her body looked like on of those 13kg gas containers. And I am not trying to be mean: I am serious! She used to be so gorgeous… What happened to her?

This was the reason I did not want to see her. I knew it would have some effect on me. And I explained it to my friend why seeing her would make me suffer. If I saw her and she looked better than she was before, happier and prettier, I would be sad because that would be the proof she was indeed better of without me. On the other hand, if she was depressed, ugly, lacking self respect etc, then I would be sad because she was fine with me and gave everything up to be in such situation. The latter was the case and I did not feel proud about it.

That somewhat spoiled an otherwise beautiful day. Noticing how upset I got, I started analyzing my feelings to better understand what was really making me sad. I took a moment to sort out the things in my head and heart asking myself the fundamental questions. Did I want her back? No. Short and honest answer. Possibility dismissed. Did I want to meet her? No. Again, a simple fast negative. Did I miss her? Somehow, yeah. But what I really missed was company, not *her* company specifically. So, what was it that was disturbing me? Well, after some pondering I came to a conclusion. The best explanation I could find.

I loved this girl. Very much. Really loved her. And love is not a switch you turn on and off in the blink of an eye. It takes time. She certainly did a number on me, too many times to remember. But I always forgave her and I retained no hard feelings towards her. So, seeing her in such an awful condition and having my friend tell me how lost and unhappy she was, well… It got to me and I felt sorry for her. Just as I would for any good friend in distress. I pitied her…

And I also got worried. Worried she would try to come see me and maybe even use her charms (that is, if she still has any) to try to convince me she had changed and we belonged together. That would be even more upsetting, because no matter how hard she tries, I have no intentions to get back together with her. Trying too hard would make her look even more pitiful. I do not want that to happen. So now I am thinking, maybe it’s a bad idea to ask to see her younger siblings. I wanted buy them a few things like clothes and toys, but maybe it would be better if I didn’t.

I know this is just things crossing my mind and there is no way to validate any of it. Who knows? Maybe she is ok and happy despite her looks and what my friend told me. Maybe what I interpreted as ‘terrible looks’ is just the way she wants to be, not a reflection of the life she is living. Maybe I am flattering myself thinking she would like to see me! I really do not know. But the fact remains that I *do not* want to know. I think I will just leave some money with my friend and he can go there and hand it to her mother after I return to Singapore. I would have helped the small ones just the same without problems or grief for me. Yeah, maybe this is the way I should do it…