Have you ever had this feeling you should not let go of something because if you did it would be over for good? Well this is the feeling I have now, just after saying goodbye to Koi at the immigration gate at the Bangkok International Airport. It was a wonderful week: almost like vacations. We had fun, I rested (though still doing some work), we had time to 'bond' and get to know each other better and as a result for all that, we even started making plans for a near future. No, not big plans as in 'commitment', but small ones like 'let's meet again a week from now'. However, this feeling remains that it might not happen...

Koi is this sweet loving person. How come something in me keeps shouting she's not the one? Intimacy between us... Oh, what the heck, why am I choosing words here? Where you see intimacy, please read 'sex'! So, sex with her wasn't exactly 'awesome'. Hmmm... I guess I am trying to protect her... It was lousy!

She's too inexperienced, too shy and too passive for it to be really enjoyable. Foreplay, something most women complain partners do not pay much attention to, to her seemed unpleasant - almost disgusting, I'd say. Then, when the real 'action' began, she just closed her eyes, turned her face sideways and lied very still as if waiting for me to finish 'my business'. Having sex with an inflatable doll probably feels like that. That's why I say it was lousy. I mean, if she's not enjoying it's not love making, it's rape! That can be exciting for some, but not for me.

But, is it all about sex? Or should it be? After having a sex partner like J, can I settle for less? Even knowing that trust, honesty and love are more important than the physical thing? Of course it is not supposed to be all about sex but from time to time this week, I could feel the warm breath of lust on my neck, whispering in my ear: 'do you miss me already?'...