Time to update my Blog… Lots have happened in these past few days. So much I haven’t been able to sit down and write about it. But I have to try to keep thing current as I found out that I indeed have an audience. Yeah, that’s true! I found out I am not the only one reading my own thoughts here! Ha!

After Kwan’s departure I was feeling rather empty and lost. I needed time to sort out the feelings and the situation. I am still unsure of what to do, but I am learning to take it slow. After all, there is no rush. Right now I am just analyzing all the things that are happening. And I am starting to see things I did not see before. Small things, vero, but things I do regard as important.

For example, Kwan was going to go back to Chiang Mai on Tuesday morning. That was the plan. Then on Tuesday evening she sent me this lovely SMS saying she wanted to be with me and follow me everywhere I went. So cute… I called her and she said she would even drop out from school to be with me. I didn’t quite know what to say. Though I thought it was very sweet and a sign of true commitment, droping out of university is definitely out of the question. Besides, she’s on her last year. So I told her we would talk about it some other time. I felt that warm loving feeling again. The same feeling I had when she was around for the weekend. So far so good, right? Yeah, so I thought too…

Thursday she sent me another message saying she missed me, so I called. She said she wanted to see me and much to my surprise she was STILL in Bangkok. I thought “Wow! Great!” So I told her to come to the hotel and we would go out together! She said she didn’t know the address. I gave it to her. She said she did not understand very well and was afraid to get lost. So I told her to call my Thai friend, Bung, and he would explain to her how to go about it. She called him, he called me, I called her. Then she said she couldn’t come but would wait for me in CNX for the weekend. I agreed.

But, hey, wait a minute!!! Wait a @#$% minute!!! She was leaving on Tuesday; Calls me on Thursday to say she is still in Bangkok and cannot come and see me? And I have to go to Chiang Mai??? She is Thai, for goodness sake! If I can get around and even go to Chiang Mai, can’t she get a taxi in Bangkok and give directions??? I gave up the idea of going to Chiang Mai. I like her a lot, I really do, but this wasn’t a nice move from her. She’ll drop school for me but not get on a taxi??? Ok, lock me up at the funny farm; but I don’t get it and it doesn’t sound right. No more Mr. Nice Guy…

Tonight I met Yo again. We have been having lots of fun these last few days. She is really sweet. She calls me up on my mobile, asks me how I am, invites me for lunch, and teaches me some Thai. Very kind indeed. The poor thing works very hard. Two jobs. Sleeps only 4 hours per night. Last time we were together, yesterday actually, I told her I wanted to give her a present. We were at the shopping mall so I told her she could choose something she needed and I would buy for her as a gift. I showed her some stores offering nice clothes with a big discount. Showed her some shoes. Then some purses. She didn’t want any of those. She said she was going to visit her parents and siblings today, so she took me to the supermarket, filled a cart with small things like shampoo for kids, sanitary napkins, dried food, toilet paper… things you would buy in your monthly visit to the market, and THAT was what she wanted as a gift. The total amount was below 1,600 Baht (less than 50 Singapore Dollars). Now, that was touching…

So, we met again tonight and she looked beautiful in a red dress (Chinese New Year kind of dressing). I noticed, though, she had sad eyes and was really drinking a lot. That got me concerned and sad too. Her life is not very easy, I know… She probably missed family or maybe a loved one. I was sorry to see her drinking so much. She wasn’t drunk or anything, just drinking. But I felt sorry just the same. In a world with 6 billion people, it is unbelievable but true: sometimes we do feel lonely…

In the morning I managed to chat with MMP, my teenage-years sweetheart. We got into a video chat (NetMeeting thingy) and she looked very beautiful and sexy. She said she woke up in the middle of the night thinking of me, so she connected the internet and there I was. It was 4 am in Brasil but she did not return to sleep. We kept chatting until it was time for her to get ready for work. She wants me to go to Brazil too. I have so many people to visit, oh Lord… (sighs) It’s time I really start planning.

She’s gone… Kwan is gone… Why do I suddenly feel this emptiness? Why am I trembling and sad? We spent just two days together. We didn’t do much; just walked, talked, had innocent fun together. I did this with other girls during these past few weeks. Why is the feeling different? Here I sit, trying to understand these mixed emotions, trying oh so hard to sort out what it is that I am really feeling… And I can’t!

What was different with her? What did she do that set off this strange long forgotten feelings in me? Was it the way she looked at me? Was it her soft hands holding mine? Was it the kind way she kept feeding me popcorn at the movie cinema? I don’t know!!!

I just know that when I looked at her, I could see her soul, immaculate, unmarked, smiling back at me as if daring me to take a chance and learn how to love again. Do I dare try? Do I deserve her heart and attention? Can I really forget all the previous experiences and start anew? And, is there a risk I will turn such a wonderful person into the “thing” I became? Can she wash away the mud and find the real me, buried so long ago? Can she tame the wolf? Turn beast into beauty?

I have been looking for a good “bad girl” and life sends me the perfect “good girl”. What should I do? Is she the one the Tarot cards said was going to give me the best years of my life? I need answers and I just can’t find them… But one thing I know for sure: I miss her already. And I can’t wait to meet her again.

Part of me is saying that by the end of the week this feeling will be gone. That all I need is another round of fun in Bangkok and I’ll be fine again. And yet, another part of me whispers softly that this “fun” I’ve been having is meaningless, null. I don’t know… I can’t think strait right now…

Oh, wow! I should really open a Psychic Hot Line or something alike. Remember I was telling you about “the feeling” I had during lunch time yesterday? Read my last post if you don’t. Well, just today I got a message from J thanking me for sending her stuff to her. Of course she also had complains: a few things were missing - some cables from her MD and DigiCam, her CDs and some shoes.

I really forgot to send the CDs. I found them after the boxes were dispatched. The cables, I just didn’t know where they were. Regarding the shoes, she will have to forgive me but I have better things to spend my money on; I am not sending old smelly shoes to Brazil. Come on, give me a break here!!!

She also made some childish comment about a girlfriend she doesn’t even know if I have or not. Very immature, jealousy silliness. I politely reminded her that I would not accept her comments on my future girlfriends and if she had any intention of having me as a friend, she would better quit the “crap”. If she doesn’t, I will just block her out from my mail boxes. I do not have to put up with this kind of thing anymore.

Kwan and I spent the day together. Oh, she is just too sweet. She might not be most beautiful girl I met in Thailand but still very pretty and most certainly the sweetest of them all. We met before lunch time. I took her to "Anna Cafe" for lunch, then we headed for Central Rama III, where I wanted to buy a pair of jeans (mine were falling down; I really lost weight!) and develop pictures taken yesterday and today. We wandered around the mall while waiting for the time to collect the pictures and she helped me choose my jeans and some other things I decided to buy. I bought her a bathing suit, as she didn’t bring one and we were planning to catch some of the afternoon sun by the pool, which we did. She looked really gorgeous on her new bathing suit: very nice, gentle curves. An unmarked sun tanned skin, beautiful shiny hair. Oh boy - was I infatuated!!! After the pool, we come to the room, had a shower, watched some TV and them went for dinner, followed by Karaoke with Bung and Ooh.

I think I mentioned she is very shy and conservative, a typical country girl, brought up to be a wife etc. And she hasn’t changed, which is good. But this time she was more at ease than the last time we met. While we were at the Karaoke, she was always very close to me, holding and caressing my hand, serving me my drinks (water, lemonade and Diet Pepsi) and resting her head on my shoulder. It really felt good. You know, to be looked after and pampered by someone who has no second intentions. I wanted her to stay with me at the hotel, but she couldn’t. We are going to meet again tomorrow and I just can’t wait.

Seriously, if she didn’t live so far, this would be the girl to call my new girlfriend. It’s been a very long time since someone looked at me the way she does. With admiration, sweetness… Dare I say “love”? My ex wife, AP, used to look at me like that when we got married. J never did…

Another great day in Bangkok! After all the fun yesterday, I slept until almost noon, waking up just in time for my exercises, shower and going to meet the girls for lunch. From the three girls I met, just one showed up. Noi apologized and said she was way too tired from the night before; unlike us, she kept going until it was day, going to bed just past 8am, so she was wasted. The other just didn’t call.

It was ok just the same. We went to this very simple restaurant, a place I would never have stopped to eat unless someone had recommended. It didn’t look like much, if you know what I mean. It was basically one of those open restaurants facing the street, very common in Thailand. Since I am not picky and Yo (our lady friend) knew the place, we sat down to eat. Good choice, because the food was just great and (as usual) very, very cheap.

I must have looked like a Japanese tourist, because I as taking pictures of the food and the place. But the fact is, I wanted to send those to my father and sister, so they could see the kind of food people eat in the region and how simple but good things can be. I keep telling them, if you want to know a country, you have to mingle with the local population. Staying in five-star hotels and eating in fancy restaurants, rarely will give you the true experience of a country.

This reminds me of my good friend in Brazil, VM (the big shot reporter; I think I mentioned her before). When I brought her to Thailand for a quick visit, she wanted to try the fried insects some of locals love to eat (not all, though). Alas, we just couldn’t find them. We just didn’t know where to look for them. Now that I am more familiar with Bangkok, I can see them everywhere! Maybe I should pack a small portion and send it via FedEx to her… Or maybe not… It would be gross to receive a bunch of dead insects by mail! Yuck!!!

I don’t know why, but while having lunch there I suddenly had one of those “feelings” again. And it was so strong that, as an involuntary reaction, I reached for my phone. I could swear my phone was about to ring and the caller would be J. I stopped briefly to “analyze” the feeling and maybe get some more “information” from it. Maybe she was in trouble or in distress? I guess I’ll never know because I couldn’t pick up anything else other than the sensation she wanted to call. So I assumed it was nothing important and, with that, I put the though to rest. Later, back at the hotel, I could feel she was thinking of me again, which just confirms she was fine.

I KNOW!!! It just downed on me the reason why she wanted to call and was thinking of me after all this time (I mentioned the “feelings” were fading, didn’t I?). They either got my mail OR the boxes with J’s belongings. Of course!!! That is the reason! I had totally forgotten about it. So, all’s explained. That is what triggered the “felling”. Oh, Boy! I am really getting good at this!!! ;o)

Ouch! Too much fun is going to kill me! I just got back to the hotel. The guys from the project and I went to a Karaoke and I really enjoyed myself. I met some cute and cheerful girls there and not only we got along fine, but I also got invited for lunch tomorrow. Ha! How about that? :o)

One of the girls, Noi, has great beautiful legs and looked so sexy in her black dress. I could really fall for her. I’m not sure if there was chemistry in the air, but she did not let our conversation die. The only time we began to slow down a bit was when she was getting a bit lightheaded from all the whiskey they were drinking. I was drinking water, laugh as much as you like. The fact remains that I am loosing weight and I am happy about that. So, no alcohol for me for another 6 months, at least.

Just today I noticed that the “link” I mentioned, between J and I, has already began to vanish. I hardly think of her and the “feelings” I had when she was thinking of me also faded. This is a good sign for both of us. For her, because she is probably having fun and taking care of her life. And for me, because I am finally able to take her out of my system, something I tried several times without much success. This is the way it should be. And in a near future, maybe we will be able to forgive each other’s faults and shake the bad times we had. If we are lucky, maybe we can even be friends. Time will tell...

Ok, I’m back. And I have got to tell you, this is so good, it’s probably wrong! Sounds strange, right? But this is the way it feels. I have been having a great time here in Bangkok. I didn’t get to take EY dancing, after all. She was so busy with the ladies she was keeping company for this trip and she just didn’t have to time (or strength) to go out. The senior ladies were very active and true “shop-a-holics”; basically, they were shopping all day long, in between the sightseeing sessions, and since they did not speak any English, EY had to be with them all the time. Even late at night, when they returned to the hotel, she had to be available just in case one them needed something. This was a pity because she probably didn’t have much fun. She invited me to visit Turkey, which I might consider now that I am taking my vacations. Let’s see how it goes.

Today was my last day on the project here in Thailand. At least until beginning of March, when I will be back for another phase. My sweet friend in Brazil, MMP who I know since I was a kid (we had a big crush on each other and yet, nothing ever happened) sent me a message asking when she can pick me up at the airport. Isn’t she the sweetest thing? But I am not sure I am going to Brazil. I’m still so undecided… (pout). I have to check on training dates to go to USA too…

Oh, and I did not tell you but Ann actually agreed to go out with me! I took some nice pictures of her, printed them out and will pass it to her next time we see each other. Not sure when but… I’ve got them in my PDA already! :o)

Kwan is coming to Bangkok. She was a very cute (and shy) girl I met in Chiang Mai. We’ll spend Sunday together. I have to plan activities for the weekend... Funny, but I was going to CNX to visit RK and family and I was planning on looking for her. Now she’s coming to BKK. Seriously, if she didn’t live 6 hours (by car) away, I would seriously consider a relationship with her. She’s smart, beautiful, sweet, loving… Everything a man could want in a wife. Oh, well, there are things I love that I doubt she would do (evil laughter) but that’s another story… ;o)

Life is good. I have a healthy handsome son, a good work which I enjoy and gives the opportunity to meet new people and learn new things, good friends that love me in spite of my numerous flaws, a good apartment, some money, good overall health… As I mentioned before, I consider myself blessed by God. Yes, life is good and I cannot complain. So, I raise my hands to heaven and say “Oh, Almighty Creator of all things: Thank You, really!

Prek mat!!! I dreamed of J last night. A funny dream, where we were in a house which I do not recognize, trying to find a place to be alone and talk. I wonder what this could mean. Furthermore, I wonder why I dreamed of her after so long! It’s been more than a month since she left and I did not dream of her all this time. Puzzling…

My mind is racing and I cannot sleep, so here I come again! I do not think I mentioned but this weekend I actually wrote letters! Sounds funny, doesn’t it? I mean, I work with computers and I am so used to typing my correspondence and sending it by clicking on the ‘send’ button, it actually felt strange to hold a pen for so long, while writing to people in Brazil.

I sent my father a note and some magazines I collected for him some time ago. In the package I also sent two Thai man’s magazines; something along the lines of Playboy or Penthouse. I figured he would like to know how beautiful Thai girls are. I wrote a note to my sister too. I sent her a digital camera I bought last year especially for her birthday. Well… Her birthday passed, Christmas passed, New Year’s passed and I did not send it. It was about time, don’t you think?

I also sent a letter to me ex-mother-in-law and Bella, J’s younger sister (I have mentioned her before. She wrote me a cute letter in her childish hand-writing). I said I was thinking of visiting Brazil this coming February and already told her I do not intend to meet with J. I would love to take them for lunch or dinner, so we would have to plan things ahead of time. Also explained I will not be able to spend too much time with them, as I have places to go and other people to visit. I figured if I mentioned it in advance, she would give it more credit and understand it better. I posted all letters as high priority, air mail. The camera I sent via FedEx. They all should get to their destination within a week. I think they will all be surprised and happy to receive news. :o)

Tee-hee, I really have been enjoying myself. I am surprised how busy I have been these last few days. Or, should I say, since J went away? Today I only left the hotel to quickly check on things at the customer's site. No real work done, just making sure things were still alright after the launch party last Friday. Seems my Siebel colleagues found a small bug in our environment and asked me to check on a upgrade or patch for it. Not to worry: my good friend CSH copied all the latest versions of the software for me last week. Thanks to him, my library is always up-to-date. Tomorrow we'll install it on our development environment and see if it fixes whatever problem the Siebel guys have encountered.

In the evening, after I left the site, I returned to the hotel, sat down by the pool with Bung and had a coffee while we waited for Ooh. We were planning to go dancing. I must confess dancing is not really my cup but I was willing to give it a try just because a new acquaintance arrived last night to Bangkok and wanted to go partying. She's from Turkey and we met over the internet. Quite an interesting lady. Beautiful and talkative, she has been in lots of places and says she travels a lot in her line of work, so she has got heaps of stories to tell. We went to pick her up at her hotel but she was way too tired to go out, so we just had some tea, listened to some jazz music and talked. We'll go out tomorrow, not a problem. I was trying my best not to startle the poor thing with tons of question I wanted to ask. I don't know much about her country, her culture and her people, so I was curious. She said it was ok, but at a certain point I could not ask anymore, for I felt she was beginning to get uncomfortable for being the centre of attention. She probably had questions she wanted to ask too, but I'm afraid I never gave her chance. How rude of me... :o(

Saa called me. Sounded like she wanted to go out and do something, but I was on my way to meet the EY, the Turkish girl, so I politely declined. I told her I would go see her tomorrow and take the opportunity to give her the pictures we took in our last meeting. When we hung up, she called Meow and Meow called me moments later. She too wanted to go out tomorrow and join Saa and me. I bought some incense from her and she will hand it to Saa so I can pick it up.

So, tomorrow I will have another busy day. I’ll wake up early, exercise before hitting the shower, as usual, go to the customer’s site, work until around 5pm or 6pm, stop by the Regent Hotel to meet Saa, have a drink there, go back to my hotel for a shower, meet Bung and Ooh and than go for dinner and dance with EY. Wow! I haven’t had so much activity since… Gee, I don’t even remember!!!

In time: I do not know how the hotel people managed, but the music actually stopped! (sighs in relief)

This is one of the reasons why I hate apartments. I *hate* apartments. Can you imagine that bloody neighbour I was telling you about has been playing the same loud songs all day long? It was 2 o’clock in the morning today when I first called the front desk of the hotel to complain about the noise. They could not find the apartment where the music originated from, I guess. That is assuming they even looked for it. I woke up around 10am and the music was still going (don’t this people ever sleep?). All day long they were playing some @#$% rave music. I went out for dinner, returned, it’s past 11pm and the bloody @#$% is STILL going on! What is the matter with this folks??? If I was living in a house, this would not be happening. I just can't wait to move to Denmark (oh, my lovely Denmark) where I will be living in a two story house with a fjörd in front and the woods for backyard. My closest neighbour will live at least one kilometer away. Winters will be cold but the fireplace will keep me warm. Summers will be mild and pleasant. And if I happen to die in the woods during autumn, my body will be preserved until spring when my neighbour will begin to wonder “why the crazy Brazilian guy vanished suddenly”.

Anyway, Mr. BK invited me to join him and his wife for dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Bung, Ooh, a friend of hers and Wei (another colleague from work) joined us too. Food was nice and not too expensive. We had drinks, the main course and desert. The bill was just a bit over 5000 Baht. That’s approximately one hundred US dollars. For seven adults? That is indeed cheap. Ooh’s friend, Ning, is a nice girl. It was her birthday today and the restaurant folks improvised a small birthday cake for her. I guess she liked it.

On the way back to the hotel Ooh asked me what my impressions on the girl were. I was very honest: she is nice; not as gorgeous as Am but that would be asking too much (I have to publish Am’s picture! She is really beautiful). The problem is, she lives in Chiang May. That’s good 6 hours driving up country. There’s no way I could be dating someone so far. I do not want to be flying or driving every weekend to visit anyone. If that was the case, I would have had a relationship with Kwan, who also lives in CNX and liked me a lot. Oh, well… That means she is not “the one” yet. But as I said before, I am not in a hurry. I can wait.

Something interesting happened. BK made a comment about me being happy. He said he could not remember the last time he saw me this playful and cheery. He also mentioned that, previously, whenever we met, I just wanted to have a few drinks and relax and now, there I was, enjoying myself and all relaxed without drinking at all. Bung had made the same comment on Friday night, on the launch date for our project. He said he didn’t know I was so “fun”. You know what this means, right? Yeah, you got it right. I am indeed better off without J. It saddens me to say, but it’s true. And, from the heart I say: wherever she is, whoever she hanging out with, I hope she is happy too.

The brain works in strange ways… For no particular reason I remembered that a few months ago, when J was around and had just received her salary (she worked for me organizing my expenses and preparing the expense reports – for that I would give her 5% of the amount to be claimed) she wanted to buy a pair of wedding bands. She said that when I gave her our wedding band before, she did not give it much value and did not respect it as she should have. In the end, she actually sold it. First hers and, later, my own which I also gave her. She said she wanted to buy new ones to prove this time things were different and she really understood what those bands represented. I didn’t let her do it. I told her I would buy them when the time was right and she shouldn’t worry. Had she bought them, where would they be now? Mine, in my wallet. And hers? In a pawn shop? Probably…

Some people couldn’t care less about the rights of others. They are called “free” by some but I call them “irresponsible” or just “inconsiderate”. Last night, as I typed my previous entry on the web diary, I could hear music, very loud, coming from one of my neighbors. I cannot tell precisely from where, if an upper floor or just someone next door. And though the music wasn’t exactly loud in my premises, it was loud enough to be annoying and to prevent me to sleep, which makes me believe that, where it was playing, it was probably deafening. Whoever was throwing that party (or whatever it was) certainly did not consider other people were trying to sleep and if they did, that thought certainly did not stop them having their fun. This kind of people think “if others are bothered, let them complain”. Sometimes I believe I worry way too much about others, which is not good. But do these guys really have to be in the other extreme of the spectrum, totally oblivious to the rest of the world? Or is this normal and I am just getting old and cranky? Humph...

And another day comes to an end… A good day, essentially. Bung and Ooh were kind enough to accompany me in my first date with Am, which might sound odd but was actually very nice as the language can be such a barrier. Their presence was more than welcome and we all had a good time. I got Am’s pictures developed (not quite, as mine is a digital camera – ‘printed’ would be a more accurate term) and then took new ones. She is really lovely. I asked her to send my regards to Ann, which is very cunning of me, I must admit. Maybe more than cunning, you might say it was wicked. The fact is, I was really interested in Ann but, though friendly, she wouldn’t give me a chance. Then I met Am and we had a good time together with promises for other dates. I know it’s mean, but I could not resist but letting Ann know. Now, don’t be judgmental on me, it’s just human nature. If Ann knows we had fun together, interested in me or not, she will have that nagging question on her mind: what could have happened had she given me a try? It won’t end here, I am telling you. This is, as in the old Batman series, “to be continued”…

Ooh found a fortune teller at the mall and asked me if I believed in such things. Well, I do, depending on what the story is. She was a bit scared and asked me if I would follow her and I went for it. We chose a Tarot reader. I truly believe in the mystical powers of the Tarot Deck. It connects your soul with the cosmos. Or, more correctly put, it broadens your perception of such connection, which is there all the time, as a matter of fact. The problem is, if your ‘connection’ is good but the connection of the person ‘reading’ the cards isn’t, most of the facts are missed or misinterpreted. I guess this is what happened today. Our ‘help’ was not very good, either with the deck or just phrasing the results we had. Nevertheless, he managed to ‘pick up’ some interesting things.

Of course, J was present in the cards I drew. When I asked about love I was hoping he would give me some good news. And he did, but not without telling me I would have to make a decision because my 'last relationship was going to try to get back with me'. He said the future held true love from someone very special who was already lined up for me BUT I would have to choose between the old love returning and the new one still forming. He cautioned me it would not be an easy decision. He also mentioned he could foresee that the new one would be gratifying and honest while the old one would try all means to prove itself "new" and "changed" but would still be the same. He said my ‘old love’ would never change her ways and if I wanted to get back, I should be prepared to accept that fact.

Hmmm… Makes me ponder… Old relationship with all the grief, distress and misery it brought me or new one with promises of true, honest, lasting love? Gee, I guess the answer is quite clear, isn’t it? “All good things come for those who wait”, they say. Seems I will have to learn…

Yesterday 6:00pm I attended to the launch party for my customer here in Bangkok. The first phase of my project has come to a successful end and we were all celebrating. There was an inauguration ceremony with guests from all over the world and I was very happy to be part of it. Some sort of pride for knowing I had my share of contribution to this success. Despite problems we had (not too many, if compared to other projects) we managed to finish on time.

After the formal celebration with the customer and its board of directors and top level employees, my team and I went for a celebration of our own. Nothing fancy. We went for dinner in a restaurant not too far from my hotel, an interesting place that I had visited before. I do not know the name of the restaurant and refer to it as “the flower place”. Whenever I mention it, my colleagues know what I men. It’s patronized mostly by locals (Thai customers) and they have a band playing live. The food is good and not expensive (since it’s not quite a place foreigners go). As the band plays, some girls, working for the restaurant, go up the stage and sing. If you like them, you can ask the waiters to give them flowers and if they like you, they might come and sit with you for a chat. Do not get me wrong, it’s quite a decent place and people go with their families and kids alike. The girls do not “go out” with customers and the place doesn’t condone with any hanky panky. Of course, as in any other place or restaurant, if you are nice and polite talking to the employees and if you manage to get the girl’s attention, they might give you their phone number. But you have to exercise your charms for that to happen because they are not really “working girls”.

So, I was there having dinner and sort of hoping I would see Ann, this beautiful girl I met there before. One of the waiters told me she would not be coming early that night, unfortunately. I was a bit disappointed because Ann is not only very pretty, she’s also fun to be with and good to talk to, even with her limited vocabulary in English. She is cute when trying to explain things, looking for the right words. Too bad she wasn’t there; there was nothing I could do. But then, as we were about to finish our meal, someone called my attention to this gorgeous girl on the stage. I do not remember seeing her there before, but I am hardly a Habitué. She was drop dead gorgeous. And I really though Ann was the prettiest girl working there. I wasn’t really interested but the guys kept making comments about her looks so I told the waiter to give her some flowers. I thought, since the guys were making such enthusiastic comments, they would probably like to exchange a few words with her, but when she came to sit with us, everyone was silent and she probably began to feel a bit awkward, poor thing. I tried to put the guys into ‘talking mode’ but they got shy all of the sudden.

Well, before the situation became too embarrassing I changed places with a friend and started to chat with her; Basic stuff like name, age and other small things, as her English wasn’t really very good. In the end, I guess she was happy someone was trying to have a conversation with her and I got really lucky! I mentioned I was trying to learn Thai (and she started to test my vocabulary pointing things for me to name – too funny) and offered to teach her English in exchange for Thai lessons. With that, I got a date!!! We are going to meet later today. I am not really sure what we are going to do but we’ll be at the shopping mall so we’ll probably just walk around, window shopping, then sit down somewhere and talk. I am really excited about it because she is very - but VERY - beautiful. Let’s see how it goes.

Funny how things you do affect other people. Sometimes people you would least expect. Sometimes people you don’t notice or never even realized cared. This is what happened: I had to send a fax back to the office in Singapore so I stopped by the business centre at the hotel. The receptionist is a kind and attentive woman who developed a friendly relationship with J, as she was there everyday. After the fax was sent, she asked me how she was (J, that is) and I said that was a sad story.

I explained that J went to Brazil for the holidays (Xmas and New Year's) and fell in love with the same guy she used to spend afternoons chatting with over the internet, right there at the business centre; therefore, she wasn’t coming back. The lady at first was shocked, and then she was sad. She started apologizing for asking whilst I kept saying it was “OK”. She kept going and wouldn’t stop, saying “Sorry, sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry!” I told her it was no big deal and actually I was looking for a Thai girlfriend, one who would love me and be faithful to me. But she wouldn’t listen, so embarrassed she was. I left the place without really knowing if she was so much affected because of my situation, because she liked J or simply because she could not believe such an absurd story.

I don’t know why, but in fact this reinforces a feeling I have since J returned to Brazil. Sad as it is, I really feel I am better off without her. I know this is not a nice thing to say but it is true. I lost weight, I have been exercising daily and I still have time to study and do my personal things, even if it’s just browsing the internet. When J was around, my life was all about making her happy. But no matter how hard I tried to please her, she always had complaints. She used to say everything was about me but never cherished things we did together, things she wanted to do. When I started going to the gym, she followed once and that was it. Whenever I invited her, she would say she was too tired or too sore to go. I stopped going to be with her and do whatever she felt like doing. We went to pubs and bars and I even volunteered to take her dancing, which is not really my cup. But nothing was good enough for her. I wonder if she is happy now, for I am!

I usually tell friends one should try to be in a relationship where the partner pushes you forward in life. Avoid the ones where the partner drags you down or holds you back. And I don’t mean professionally only. I am talking about being supportive, understanding, cheering you up when you are down, helping you plan the future, being there to comfort you when you fail or to celebrate with you when you succeed; Someone to worry about your well being, to patiently listen when you are grumpy and mumbling about things that went wrong at work, to put you back in a good mood. It’s not an easy task, I know. But think about it and you will see this is what everybody is looking for, yourself included. Sometimes, even though we know that is what we want, we just seem to “forget” about it and settle for less. Only when life slaps us hard in the face we wake up for the facts. We find ourselves giving more than we receive, putting up with things we really do not have to, just for the sake of avoiding conflict or making the partner happy. And, if we do that long enough, we start thinking this is the way it goes. I did! But guess what: It is WRONG! It doesn’t have to be like that. As the saying goes “You can’t love nobody unless you love yourself”; if you are honest to your feelings and needs, someone will love you for what you are, not what you can do. From there, "giving back" is just the natural course of things...

Wow! My project here in Thailand is almost done and I will finally have a chance to take my well deserved vacations. Now it’s just a matter of planning the itinerary. One thing I know is, I am going to US to see my son. I missed the opportunity to go with the guys from the office to the Sales Kick Off meeting in San Francisco, which would have been fun. But I can still go for training and after that visit my kiddo in Texas. Oh, I miss him so much and everyone says he’s so grown up now! I just can’t wait! :o)

Then, from there, I was thinking of going to Brazil. But I am not so sure I should. I mean, with all that happened recently between J and I, if I go there is a chance I will find myself in an awkward situation. I could go and not visit her parents but I can’t help but miss the little ones and even my ex-in-laws. They are not to blame for all that transpired… Now, what to do??? My mom wants me to go to Rio and I could take the opportunity to visit relatives that I like very much, like my cousin, aunt and uncle etc. I could also go northeast and visit my sister. She will be very disappointed if I go to Brazil and do not visit her. It’s been ages since we last saw each other. Then there’s my other sister, recently married and living near Argentina. I did not manage to go to her wedding, I could perhaps pay her a visit and meet my brother-in-law. Oooohhh… So much to do and so little time.

But you know, maybe that’s just perfect. With so many people to visit, there’s no chance I’ll be able to hang out with J’s parents and siblings. I have the perfect excuse not to do so. So I could stop by, say hi, spend a couple of hours with them (if I am lucky maybe J won't even around) and then, off I go to other places! Yeah… That could work! I’ll see about that…

I really need to cut this cord between J and I. I know that it will eventually fade and disappear but I wish I could abbreviate the process, you know? Just a few moments ago, that nagging feeling struck me again, hard! I was exercising and suddenly, out of nothing, I started thinking about J. I know what that means… She was thinking of me intensively. Since it past midnight in Brazil, she was probably in one of those cheap motels with Mr. Mauricio 5X. They had a wonderful session of rough sex and now he was asleep while she lay on her side, facing the corner of the room, thinking about her life and her priorities. Until five minutes ago she had no doubt she was having fun but now that inexplicable emptiness hit her and she started thinking of me... Comparing us both. Thinking of her life here with me and wondering if, again, she did the right choice. I feel a bit sorry for her and wish there was something I could do. But there isn’t. She made her choices and she is old enough to deal with the consequences.

It’s like the comedy movies, where you see this guy trying very hard to help an old lady cross the street just to get beaten by her and her umbrella when they finally make it to the other side, as she never really asked for help nor needed to cross the road to start with. It’s a similar case here. For some time, I tried “helping” J. She once said she never asked for help and I was very hurt with the comment. But it is true. She never did. She never asked for help. Maybe she was happier before I showed up. Who can tell? I tried to fix her life for her, give her a chance of a better life, and help her stand in her own feet. I failed, you know why? Because that is *not* the person she wants to be. She wants to be what she is, it doesn’t matter what that is. She is happy being the girl guys look for when they want to have some fun. She doesn’t mind that. At a certain point in time she will need someone who she can trust and things might get a bit tricky, because for most guys, having fun is just that, no strings attached and no responsibilities. When responsibility calls, they pretend not to hear and run for cover.

When J and I first made love, I did not use any protection. When I was about to climax, I tried to pull off but she grabbed me so I wouldn’t. I managed to get off her before it was too late, much to her frustration. Then I knew something wasn’t right. She was using me. I asked her if she was pregnant and after talking about it for a while she admitted she thought she was. That was very bad. She thought she was pregnant and was trying to trick me into believing it was mine. I got very upset but… I loved her; I cared for her and wanted to be with her. So, the second time we made love that afternoon I just gave in, let go and I promised her I would stand by her all the way. It turned out she wasn’t pregnant but I never forgot that day. Stupid things a man in love will do…

That brings something else to mind. I have to get myself tested. Yeah, *that* test. I never used any protection with J, after all she was my “wife” and since I never cheated on her, I thought I could trust her. Now I finally see I shouldn’t have. And before I start any other relationship, I better make sure I am “clean”. She should too. Given that she usually dates three or four guys at the same time and does not use protection. It would be wise to get tested. But here I go again, trying to help her and run her life. What the heck, if she doesn’t care and the guys sleeping with her are not smart enough, it’s their problem!

In time: It just occurred to me that no matter how much I try to be “open-minded” I remain quite old fashioned in relation to certain things. For instance, I know girls that lost their virginity to some guy they met on a dancing club, the same night, just after making out for a few hours. I just cannot picture myself going to bed with a girl I just met, no matter how gorgeous and interesting she might be. Am I wrong? Did I misplace my sense of values and self respect? Do these things still exist? Most guys I know just can’t wait to get into a girl’s pants, yet I would rather wait for some level intimacy before going for the actual thing. In a society used to watch “Sex and the City” in prime time (I am not criticizing the show, which I happen to love!!!) I can’t help but think I am wrong, square or just… OLD! Gee, I think I ought to reevaluate my views on dating and sex. How come I became so romantic? Where did I go wrong???

So, I was telling you about Bangkok and how alive it can be, right? Actually, I started to experience this when J went away.Throughout my life I have always been “Mr. Nice Guy” (by the way, I bought a book about it and did not read it yet. It’s called “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and can be found at Amazon.com). Before getting married I had several girlfriends but it was only one at a time, no “over booking”. As a married man, I was faithful to my wife and for me there was only her, no one else. Then, with J, though we were not married, I respected her as if we were and never cheated on her. Well, I did spend time with other girls – two to be exact – but J and I were apart when it happened. And I mean apart as in “over” not as in “taking a time off”.

Now that it’s finally over with J, I am beginning to find my away around Bangkok and discovering its “singles” hangouts. Today I met two new friends: Meow and Saa (yeah, I know, it does sound like Pokemon names – chuckles - but all their nicknames are like that). Meow is 22 and Saa, 32. Both are pretty. After some time talking I started to like Meow better. It’s not that Saa wasn’t interesting – she was! And probably the prettiest – but I guess I liked Meow’s attitude and sense of humor better. She is fun, very talkative and smart, always with some cute or funny remark about things. We exchanged phone numbers and agreed to talk again tomorrow, when she is going to bring me some incense I bought and use the hotel pool in exchange for Thai lessons. Is this going to lead elsewhere? I do not know. I am not willing to settle down yet. I just started to learn how to enjoy my freedom!!!

Tomorrow I might have lunch with Vee, who I met before but did not show much interest in as I was “married”. She sent my mobile a nice Happy 2003 picture message, so I called and arranged this lunch. It’s yet to be confirmed, but it would be nice if it happened. Vee is very pretty and very tall. She is probably 1.72m when wearing high heels and I am only 1.68m. It would be funny if something actually happened. Let’s see how it goes.

I am afraid, though, that both of them, Meow and Vee, are not exactly what I am looking for. They are good company but there is something missing which I do not quite know what it is. I just hope I do not find out it’s love because that is going to be a hard one to find…

Here’s a short one, just before I hit the sack. I got back to Thailand this afternoon, dropped my luggage at the hotel and immediately proceeded to the customer site. No problems there but I wanted to catch up with my team and check how things were going now that we are almost done. I also needed to print some reports and get the guys ready for a meeting tomorrow. After the things I had to do were done, I was talking to my friend Bung when his girlfriend, Ooh, called. They spoke in Thai for a moment and then he passed the phone to me: - She wants to talk to you…

- Hi, Ooh. How are you?
- Hi, G. I’m fine, how about you?
- I’m fine thanks!
- You know, J sent me an email today…
- Oh, really? That’s nice!

A small moment of silence follows, as if she was expecting me to say something else… Then she asks me (!!!):

- How is she?
- I don’t know, Ooh. I don’t want to talk to her…

Another tiny moment of silence follows. Silence in the conversation, because I can almost swear I could hear her brain racing… Then she says:

- Oh, Ok!!! Let’s catch up some of these days.
- Sure! – I said...
- Can I talk to Bung again?
- Sure! Bye.
- Bye.

Now, what do you make from this? If you have been following my posts (just read bellow) you probably know what really happened. J knew I was thinking of her during the weekend as I packed her stuff. She “could feel” something was happening but did not know what. Then, as she wouldn’t let go of the feeling, her attention suddenly crossed countries and seas and was back in Thailand. What to do? She sent Ooh a message, just like that, out of the blue, after being for a month in Brazil without writing, and asked about me. Not directly, but most probably along these lines “sooo… have you guys been with G lately? I wanted to write him but I’m afraid he won’t reply…” And that’s why Ooh was “testing” me. If I had said “No, she doesn’t write me and forgot about me already.” She would tell J to go ahead and email because things were fine. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

Sorry, J. Time to move on with my life. I suggest you do the same. Think of me fondly. Once a year is more than enough…

It’s funny how we are connected. You develop a bond with people you care about. It’s just like a six sense or something. Something like that feeling mothers have in regard to their children; a feeling that “says” when something is happening. I’m no stranger to this and I use it quite often, as a matter of fact. That is how I knew for sure what was transpiring in Brazil when J did not call. The very same day she was cheating on me, the very same time, I knew. As simple as that: I knew! There would be nothing she could say or do to prove otherwise because I “saw” it. Find it hard to believe? Maybe… If you are really incredulous. But I am telling you it’s true. Call is magic. Call it witchcraft. Call it a gift. Or simply call it LOVE!

But I am getting off tracks here. What I wanted to say was, I *know* she knows I gave her some thought this weekend. I just couldn’t help it. It’s something I have to work on. I mean, being able to “see” and “not being seen”. While I gathered her personal things to send her (ended up being two boxes. 15kg. Expensive. And, yes, I found the documents) I could not avoid thinking about her and that probably triggered the “six sense communication”. She knew I was thinking about her and suddenly she started thinking about me too. As she doesn’t quite comprehend the mechanism of such communication, she just kept thinking and "sending messages" and now it’s getting a quite annoying for she won’t let go! It’s like when someone calls your phone at home (mobiles work in a different way, thankfully) and doesn’t hang up after the conversation is finished. You pick up the phone and the person is still there! I wish I could tell her: Hey, J, let go of me! That’s enough! I sent your stuff already now get back to whatever it was you were doing and forget about me!!!

Good Lord, It’s so good to be back home!!! Even if just for a few days. I got here Saturday afternoon. The flight was delayed as usual (it's turing into a rule for Singapore Airlines) but I managed to get home before 15:30. I was so tired… I did not sleep in the plane, I never manage to. It’s just amazing, some people can fall asleep so easily! I just can’t do it. I was trying to take a nap, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. I only started feeling a bit sleepy when we were about to touch down. Hardly the right time, isn't it? (pout)

Anyway, I got home, took a shower and went directly to bed. I thought I was going to pass out until Sunday morning but 2 hours of sleep did the trick and I managed to go to Funan IT Mall and buy my new Digital Camera. It’s an Olympus. Another one. I was considering the Sony but, compared to the Olympus, its zoom is so… lame! It’s only a 5x optical zoom with 2x digital, 10x times altogether, right? I guess it is fine for most people but once you had an Olympus, 10x optical zoom and 2x digital, amazing 30x altogether, well... you find it difficult to settle for less. So, in the end, I remained faithful to the brand, even though they did not reply to my mail messages asking what model I should buy.

I got to bed at 0:00, woke up at 11:00, excercised a bit and got ready to have lunch with Joseph. He has become more than just a good landlord. He has become a good friend. His wife was sick with a bad flu (poor thing) but he and the kids drove me around and kept me company until 16:30.

It was then that I started collecting J stuff to send her. I was lucky things were somewhat organized so it didn’t take me much time to get her clothes and belongings all piled up in a corner of the room. I did not find her documents, though. I’ll look for them later. Whatever they are, she probably doesn’t need them in a hurry. I mean, if they were important she would have taken them to Brazil, wouldn’t she? It’s probably her authorization to travel and school papers, I guess. She won’t need them to start studying again. At least I don’t think so. Yeah, I guess not, otherwise she would have sent a message saying so. Besides, I told her I was going to come back to Singapore just in January so… It can wait a bit. If I don’t find them, I can always send an email and ask her. I’m not calling, though. If I do, her mom will want to talk to me, start crying on the phone etc. Or J might treat me harshly and I would be very upset. Not because I care – I couldn’t care less – but because I do not deserve it. And she’s got a way of doing to me things I do not deserve. Oh, well… Let's not get started!

As I was gathering her things I couldn’t help but think about her a bit. It was really unfair what she did. Again! Sometimes I think she never loved me. Other times, I think she did (or does) but not enough. And then, some other times I think she really did, and just didn’t know how this ‘love thing’ works. She never really had a good example at home. The relationship her parents have is a mix of love and hate and infidelity. How can she love someone? I feel sorry for her. And sometimes I feel sorry for *me* as well! Then I remind myself not to give excuses to her and her own choices.

In the end, do you want to know what really matters? I will tell you what really matters: I loved her! Truthfully, dearly, faithfully. I loved her. I loved her when she was young; I loved her when she got older. I loved her she put on weight. I loved her even when she was a pest (which unfortunately, was quite often lately). And though I know I was not loved back in the same way or intensity, I do not regret it. It was good. And I knew she was going to leave me someday. I thought it would be later, but I knew it was going to happen. The story repeats itself. I give them wings and they fly away…

6:00 AM in Bangkok and I just got back to the hotel. No, silly, I wasn't partying! I was working!!! And I am not complaining. Quite the contrary, I am happy to announce that as of 5:00 AM this morning, a new Contact Centre was born. The first phase of my project here in Thailand is done. There is still work to be done but from now on it's going to be a lot easier and should be a lot faster too. This means I might be able to take my vacation after all. I'm all smiles! :o)

See? This is why I tell you I am somewhat enjoying being by myself. I do not have to worry about being late. I do not have to argue about the time I spend working. I do not have to face suspicious frowns, inquiring me if I was indeed doing what I said I was. And when I come back home, tired but victorious, I can rest, in god blessed silence. Ahhh... I think I could really get used to this...

Now it’s time for some quick exercise and a shower. I cannot afford to sleep now. I have to be at the airport at 9:30 maximum and if I fall asleep now, there’s no way I will be able to wake up in two hours. I am flying back to Singapore today. Just for the weekend. So I have already packed my stuff and have everything ready for the travel. By the time I get on the plane I will be so wasted that I’m anticipating the flight attendant will have a hard time waking me up when we touch down. But all’s gonna be fine.

Later today, there’s so much I have to do… First I will sleep a bit. I should be in Singapore at 14:30, so I guess I will take a nap until 5PM or so. Then I have to go do some shopping, mostly computer stuff and a camera (mine is in Brazil. She took it). Then I will get back home and start packing her belongings to send by FEDEX on Monday morning. I am sure I will still be very tired so I will not push it to much. If I finish - good. If not, it’s alright. I can do it on Sunday. Let's see how it goes. I’ll keep you posted! ;o)

Another day in paradise... Well, maybe not paradise but certainly in the "City of Angels". No, not Los Angeles, the other one! That's right, Bangkok, Thailand. It's hard to think of anyone who hasn't heard of Bangkok. You must at least have seen it sometime in The Discovery Channel. People dream of visiting it. Some do for the wrong reasons; others because of its beauty, mystery, culture and spirituality. Here you can find almost anything. Even lost Brazilians! Ha!

Life here has a different pace. And this can come quite as a shock if you come from Singapore, New York or São Paulo and are used to the frantic rhythm those cities impose on you. Life here is more relaxed. But do not get me wrong, it’s far from being boring! There is always something to be done and you would be amazed by how alive nights can be (even though pubs and clubs usually close at 2am). Like any other big city, traffic jams are a problem. Sometimes it is so bad that you wonder if the plural form – traffic jams – is actually accurate; it would be better referred to as ‘The’ traffic jam. Just one. Huge. But adaptability is one of the characteristics of the human being and, with time, you get used to it.

The project I am working on is about to be finished. Its first phase, that is. There will be more to be done after the ‘go live’ date next week (Gee, I really hope we can indeed go live on the planned date) but I will have sometime to rest. I am planning on going on vacation, since last year I did not. I thought maybe I should go to USA for training, and then visit my son, in Texas. After that, maybe I should go to Brazil. I have been promising people I would go since June last year but it just didn’t happen.

Speaking of holidays in Brazil, yesterday I got a letter from my ex-mother-in-law. I wasn’t really sure of what to expect but I figured it would probably be the same old story: her performing her motherly role and trying to make me see J had faults but loved me oh-so-much and we just had to forgive each other and get back together. This time I was wrong (yeah, it happens sometimes).
She just wrote to wish me a happy new year. Of course all those usual canned phrases were there, like “you’re like a son to me”, “our house is yours”, “no one will ever take your place and you’re the number one son-in-law in my heart” etc etc etc. It is OK. I know she likes me; probably not as much as she says, but at least a little. The best part was a note written by Bella. Now, that was cute. You see, she’s only 5 years old, almost 6, and the note was hand written by her in that cute kid’s handwriting, no particular form and some of the letters reversed. It really made me smile. It said “Dad; I miss you. Come see me soon. Kisses. Bella”. I’m not her dad, of course, but after four years spending time together, buying her presents, clothes and being sort of a father figure, it was touching to see that. There’s always a chance it wasn’t her idea, but rather some coaching by J. If that was the case, it was a very dirty trick. But I liked it just the same! :o)

They say life begins at 40. Is that really so? Or is it just "old people's" talk? I guess I will find out soon. Maybe sooner than I think! I am 35 now and I do not picture myself living to my 80's. My grandpa passed away recently - may The Lord keep his soul - at the age of 98 (!!!). My father says that in our family we usually live long. Still, I really do not think I will be over 50. I mean, life is good and I enjoy it very much. I am not bitter or anything. I had ups and downs like anyone else but altogether I consider myself to be very fortunate. Throughout my entire life and have been blessed with good things. I am not saying I never had to work and always had lots of money like some folks we all know. I work hard and money doesn't fall from the skies. But I must say that whenever the situation was getting tough, opportunities presented themselves and everything turned out OK in the end.

So, why - you may ask - why do I think it will all be over by the time I reach my 50's? This is a tricky one to answer... I guess because by the time I am 50-something, I will have lived all the adventure I could possibly want and learned things I had to learn. Of course this is my own thinking, God might have other plans laid out for me. But bear with me and follow my line of thinking. My son is almost 6 now; another 15 years and he'll be a fully grown man, graduated or about to and making his own decisions in life. If I live to see him well established in life (I do not mean established as in "rich", but just on his own path) I will be happy.

What else then? I have loved. My first wife was, perhaps, my first true love. After that, it was J who I loved and devoted myself entirely to for the years following my divorce. I had great sex. I traveled like I wanted. And if I am lucky, these next few years will be just great (I’m still contemplating the possibility of relocating to Scandinavia). What else can I expect of life? If I happen to love again, how strong can this new love be and how long can it last? Will it be so powerful that it will make me want to live forever? Yeah, because living forever has to be about loving someone. I certainly do not expect to live forever just for me or for money or for sex or for whatever other reason. Live just for living? Living has to have a meaning and I truly believe it is to be devoted to someone else...

So I am starting over. And this time, there is no rush. Quite honestly, I am enjoying being 'single' again. Just for a change, as I am hardly the kind of person who can live by himself and stand tall. I admire people who can live their lives without 'sharing'. Their world is theirs and theirs alone. They need nobody else. Some people are like that. I'm not. But we learn things and this last attempt of a relationship with her just served to prove me wrong about 'being alone'. I used to say "better in bad company than alone". Well, I guess I have changed my mind.

How are things different?
Hmmm... How should I start? First, the feeling is different. All the other times we broke up (all too many to count), I was left with a feeling that things were not over yet. A "wait-for-the-next-episode" kind of thing. This time, that feeling is not there. Then, there is the *other* feeling. The heart feeling. Before, whenever she left, I missed her. It used to be day after day of struggle between the heart and the brain. The emotion against the reasoning. Part of me saying it was for the best, the other part sobbing silently and wishing she would return. This time, much to my surprise I must confess, I there is no struggle. Maybe, finally, the heart gave in and accepted the fact the brain had always been right in regard to her...

Some breaking news: As I was typing this I got a message from my best friend, back in Brazil. He just wanted to tell me he managed to take 70 pictures of my son this last weekend. Maybe I did not mention this before but I was married and I have a 5-year-old who lives in US with his mom. He happens to be in Brazil right now and my friend new I would love to have pictures of him. So, I was saying, he said he took 70 photos of my kiddo and wanted to know how he could send them to me. I called him and after chatting a bit he asked quite hesitantly:

- Tell me, do you still think of taking "her" back?

I told him "No" but was puzzled by his question and just had to ask why. Then he went on explaining that he had visited her in her parent's house and felt very sorry for her situation, the mess the place was and how she looked. He said she went astray. As he entered the house he could see three girls and about eight guys, all looking like bums, hanging around without a purpose. People whose sole purpose in life is to get high, wasting their youth on meaningless activities. Some, probably doing worst than that... He said she looked embarrassed with the situation and the confirmation came when she asked if she could move in with him. I could not help but feel really sorry and sad. Trust me; she is so beautiful and so smart. It's such a waste to let things go the way they are going for her now. But, again, to my surprise, that was the only feeling I had. I felt pity. I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry for HER choices. Nothing more. No remorse. No regrets. And really no intentions to bring her back. Seriously, for the first time since I met her I am HAPPY without her. Should I be ashamed? No, I don't think so...

Oh, well... And here we are again. This was certainly a long period of absence, wasn't it? But I had to do it. You see, this is what happened, when she found out I was writing about her, about me, about us and our day to day routine, she began reading the blog very frequently. That wasn't really a problem until she started to rub things on my face and being upset about things I wrote. So she didn't like it! Big deal! What am I to do? This is what *I* feel. What *I* think. How *I* see things. I am sure no one reads this stuff in the belief that I regard myself as the almighty, flawless one who does nothing wrong. I have faults too, you know? So, again, to avoid confrontation and making her unhappy, I stopped writing. Pronto. Now, I can almost hear your brain formulating the next question: So, why are you writing again??? Wanna try and guess? BINGO!!! She's gone again. Yep, that's true believe it or not. Didn't last too long, did it? But things are different now. Oh, yes they are...