I really need to cut this cord between J and I. I know that it will eventually fade and disappear but I wish I could abbreviate the process, you know? Just a few moments ago, that nagging feeling struck me again, hard! I was exercising and suddenly, out of nothing, I started thinking about J. I know what that means… She was thinking of me intensively. Since it past midnight in Brazil, she was probably in one of those cheap motels with Mr. Mauricio 5X. They had a wonderful session of rough sex and now he was asleep while she lay on her side, facing the corner of the room, thinking about her life and her priorities. Until five minutes ago she had no doubt she was having fun but now that inexplicable emptiness hit her and she started thinking of me... Comparing us both. Thinking of her life here with me and wondering if, again, she did the right choice. I feel a bit sorry for her and wish there was something I could do. But there isn’t. She made her choices and she is old enough to deal with the consequences.

It’s like the comedy movies, where you see this guy trying very hard to help an old lady cross the street just to get beaten by her and her umbrella when they finally make it to the other side, as she never really asked for help nor needed to cross the road to start with. It’s a similar case here. For some time, I tried “helping” J. She once said she never asked for help and I was very hurt with the comment. But it is true. She never did. She never asked for help. Maybe she was happier before I showed up. Who can tell? I tried to fix her life for her, give her a chance of a better life, and help her stand in her own feet. I failed, you know why? Because that is *not* the person she wants to be. She wants to be what she is, it doesn’t matter what that is. She is happy being the girl guys look for when they want to have some fun. She doesn’t mind that. At a certain point in time she will need someone who she can trust and things might get a bit tricky, because for most guys, having fun is just that, no strings attached and no responsibilities. When responsibility calls, they pretend not to hear and run for cover.

When J and I first made love, I did not use any protection. When I was about to climax, I tried to pull off but she grabbed me so I wouldn’t. I managed to get off her before it was too late, much to her frustration. Then I knew something wasn’t right. She was using me. I asked her if she was pregnant and after talking about it for a while she admitted she thought she was. That was very bad. She thought she was pregnant and was trying to trick me into believing it was mine. I got very upset but… I loved her; I cared for her and wanted to be with her. So, the second time we made love that afternoon I just gave in, let go and I promised her I would stand by her all the way. It turned out she wasn’t pregnant but I never forgot that day. Stupid things a man in love will do…

That brings something else to mind. I have to get myself tested. Yeah, *that* test. I never used any protection with J, after all she was my “wife” and since I never cheated on her, I thought I could trust her. Now I finally see I shouldn’t have. And before I start any other relationship, I better make sure I am “clean”. She should too. Given that she usually dates three or four guys at the same time and does not use protection. It would be wise to get tested. But here I go again, trying to help her and run her life. What the heck, if she doesn’t care and the guys sleeping with her are not smart enough, it’s their problem!