Trading six for half a dozen

I’ve been spending time with Noor. We met on Monday, watched the new Tomb Raider movie on Wednesday, had dinner yesterday and today she followed me to an Aikido dojo and then home for another DVD session. She’s nice but I am beginning to get bothered by a few things.

For example, we met several times this week and if it depended on her, we would have spent even more time together, meaning ‘every day’. I certainly enjoy the company but I need my own time to do my own things in my own pace, whenever I want. And though she will say “oh, yes, I do not want to interfere with your work or private time, honey” such statement will soon be followed by the question “so, what are you doing tomorrow? Can we meet again?”.

And all this comes after a long chat on Wednesday. That day, after the movie, I made an attempt to make it clear she’s going too fast, in my opinion, a sure way to have a heartache later. Relationship is a mutual thing, I’ve been learning. When one is not in the same pace as the other, things are bound to go wrong. As they did with the girl ‘whose eyes punched holes in my soul’. You do remember, don’t you? She never wrote again. I scared the poor thing away.

It makes me think: J used to complain I did not have time for her; quite an unfair statement as we were always going out for movies, dinners and/or other activities. If Noor, not even a girlfriend yet, already feels ‘neglected’ in spite of all the time we spent together during the past few weeks, where is this going to lead? This is, as we say in my country, “trading six for half a dozen”.

All these frustrated relationships make me think a lot about J. Every time something goes wrong, I think about her and how much we had in common. I guess this ‘behaviour’ will only stop when I fall in love again. But till then, how do I avoid it? And the fact she keeps sending me messages doesn’t help either. Which is, as I mentioned, exactly what she wants. She’s smart, that girl.

She replied to my email. The last one. My reply to hers. I knew it was a bad move to reply, I knew it! So, she came back with the sweetest message, so apologetic, saying she didn’t really mean the things she said. It was just that she cares and lately I have been on her mind a lot (oops! Am I to blame?).

So… My dearest friend in the Philippines says J is the one for me. I have to avoid meeting my uncle online because he always asks “Are you back with J yet? No?!? Give the girl another chance…”. My love life is getting nowhere. My sex life sucks (not literally, unfortunately). And I am not getting any younger. Will I get to my 40s alone? Shoo, shoo – scary thought! Will someone help, please? I am getting very vulnerable here. If J calls, I will have to hang up on her! I am getting very easy to convince and she always has the right speech and arguments for coming back. That would be a really bad move…

Other people’s problems…

… are so much easier to solve, aren’t they? When you are looking from outside you get a better picture of the entire situation and you have a better understanding of the matter. You can analyse things better and decisions are done based on reasoning, not on emotions. The only problem is, for those inside, whatever you suggest will always be ‘easier said than done’.

J sent me an email a couple of days ago. Sunday, Monday, I do not remember and it doesn’t really matter. She started by saying “I have to apologise for my rudeness” and then complained about how I never send her emails or call. She said I do not treasure the years we spent together and just totally forgot about her, as if she was a toy I was tired of playing with.

Now, that is new… After all she has done, after all we’ve been through, she is saying I do not treasure what we had. Human beings never cease to amaze me. She said the reason she wanted me to keep contact is because she ‘worries’ about me and wants me to be happy. Yeah, right… Let’s put things into perspective and chance her speech a bit. She is not happy, her life is going no where and she wants to know if I am in the same situation. That sounds more like it, yeah.

She even said that if I do not want any contact, as far as she is concerned, I can “drop dead”. That one made me laugh and also proud of her because she was actually writing in English! She certainly got a lot of vocabulary. When she came to Singapore her English skills were so limited she couldn’t even ask for direction. Ha!

But well, I wrote her back. I usually do. I mean, if I get a message, I do not mind replying. So I did. And I told her, in a very nice way (honestly) that I did not know why she was complaining. Every time she writes, I write back. Just recently I chatted with her online. I have been having more contact with her than with my ex-wife. What is it that she wants from me? Rhetoric question, in fact, because I know what she wants…

But the reason I mention this is, I have been telling people to move on with their lives, let go of frustrated relationships that are getting nowhere, and yet, I don’t seem to listen to my own advice. Yes, I have been trying to let go and meeting new people and all. But now I think, why did I even bother to reply to her email? I could have simply deleted it. Would it make any difference? She said I could drop dead, right? Why not let her think I did? When I replied to her, I gave her reasons to write again thus perpetuating this broken relationship that doesn’t seem to die. It’s a bloody ‘moto continuo’.

I mentioned before and it’s pretty obvious I do not hate her. I wish her all good things in life and I really care for her. I wouldn’t mind helping if she needed and I would be glad to attend to her wedding, should she find a nice guy who loved and respected her and that she loved and respected in return. I would do it. Seriously. It would be one of those moments when you cannot precise whether the tears rolling down your face are from happiness and pain, but I would be there, smiling to her.

But then, for that to happen, *we* must let go. Though it is, as I said, ‘easier said than done’… But I am getting there. Yes, sir, I am. I just have to be careful not to fall in temptation, because that would be deadly and things would get back to the way they were in no time. Can I possibly take any more?

It scares me to think I actually can… (sighs)

And the river runs through it...

I met Noor last Thursday. Quite a nice person. Sweet, easy to talk to, light-hearted, fun to be with… The chemistry was nice and so, the plans for the DVD marathon on Saturday were kept. On Saturday, she came a bit late. The appointment was at 2:00pm and by 2:20 I was already wondering if she had stood me up. But that was not the case. She arrived 2:30 and we had a nice time chatting and watching movies.

It was nice to have someone with me at home. It’s been a long time since it happened last. It also gave me the incentive I needed to tidy up the place a little. The mess was getting out of hand, I must confess. I am not exactly organized but I do keep my place in order. I might have mentioned I believe your house, your desk at the office, your ‘environment’ reflects your mind. If they are messy, well, that does say something about you.

It took me a while to actually sort out old receipts, throw away old magazines and news papers, put computer cables and parts in their places etc but it was worth it. When she arrived, the house looked presentable again. And even my bed had the two sides free. Not that I was planning to drag the girl to bed, not that. Well, at least not yet anyway (grin). But since J went away, I don’t know if it just happened or if I did it on purpose, her side of the bed was taken by books and folded clothes I bring back from the trips. Maybe it was a way to have ‘something’ beside me when I sleep. A way to make the bed not ‘so big’… Maybe. I don’t know.

She came to the apartment, we watched some movies, ate pop corn, talked, held hand, hugged, kissed… And went out for dinner before getting to intimate. I was feeling a bit shy. Probably because I do not know how to behave with her. I mean, being a Muslim girl and all, I really don’t know what is appropriate or not. And I don’t want her to think I am a pervert. Well, I am, but not a rude pervert. Well, ok, maybe rude but not intentionally. Ok, ok, sometimes intentionally but not always! (Damn!!!)

So, I was just following her lead. Taking ‘her’ time instead of mine. However, after we said goodbye I was left with the feeling maybe I was being too naïve. Maybe she thought this “latin lover” thing was a myth. Hmph… Myself being naïve… That sounds so funny… Almost hard to believe.

It doesn’t matter, I had a good time. And I enjoyed the company. Now I just have to figure out what is really going on because deep in my heart I know she is not the one yet. So, is it bad to spend time together? Am I fooling her and making her believe there is a *us* planned for the future? Am I going too fast, risking breaking her heart or mine? Or am I going too slow? Should I talk to her and explain all this? Or just let it flow? Again, I don’t know. I hoped so much to find someone and now I am having second thoughts. Why? Geez, will I ever know what I want?

The problem is: J has been on my mind since we last spoke online. I’m not sure why. Now and then I find myself thinking about her. Why now? I really thought I was over her. Every time I think of her, I remember all the things that happened and she is put back into the “do not call” list, but why does she keep coming back to my thoughts in the first place? Is my heart still with her?

A very good friend in the Philippines sent me this email saying that she honestly believed J was still the one for me. I respect and love her very much and as I read that, I knew she was telling me something no one else would. She was being honest with me, giving me her point of view about all that is happening in my life. She is a true friend. She worries and always sends me emails, which I seldom reply, but she never gives up on me (May, if you ever read this, thank you for being there. I love you dearly and I wish you ‘enough’!).

Enough of writing. I am tired and confused. I can’t concentrate anymore.

I might be going to the movies tomorrow with Noor, and maybe we’ll have a serious talk about our expectations on the relationship afterwards. Or maybe not. I don’t know. I know nothing…

Timing, is it?

It was in the papers a couple of years ago. A mother killed her one month baby by asphyxiations with a pillow. She had been a rape victim and the baby was the result. She was charged, convicted and sentenced to life in prison. Jurors and judge had no mercy. They lectured her on how could she be so cruel and cold blooded to harm an innocent and defenseless child.

Amazingly enough, on the same state abortion is legal. Had she committed the crime half an year earlier, not only she would have been free, but also would have had help from a team of surgeons for the procedure and psychologists to help cope with the depression.

As I see it, it would have been murder just the same. For them, abortion is a choice for modern independent women who take control of their lives and destiny.

So... Is it really just a matter of timing?

...

Remember I mentioned the Thai sisters were calling again? Phrang sent me a message asking if I could lend her money so she could go see her daughter. A daughter I never new she had. She sounded really desperate. The amount? 25,000 Baht. Around 1,500$ dollars.

Let's think for a moment, shall we? The flight ticket from Bangkok to Chiang Rae, all the way to the north of the country, costs 2000 Baht. The international flight from Singapore to Bangkok is around 400$ dollars, less than 10,000 Baht. Where the heck is this child of hers she so desperately wants to visit?

I sent her sister an SMS saying: "Don't let your sister kill the baby. She might die in the process...". She called 20 seconds later.

- How do you know? She's five months pregnant...

Good question, Tok. How do I know? Well, as I usually say, what I don't know, the Devil will tell me...

How to make an entire country look silly

Singapore and Malaysia have always had their differences. It's part of Singapore's history. I am neither historian nor expert; hell, I've been here for only 3 years. It's hardly time enough for you to know the country even if you do study its history. But some things you do realize in that time.

Singapore, being an island as you know, was once a Malay territory. And I've been told it became independent because at certain point in time the Malays said "Hmmm... There are way too many Chinese in that island...". Chinese are not Muslims and they have their own way of behaving, you know. So it made sense to come to a friendly agreement and just "politically expel" them.

That's what they did. They made sure they had a good deal by ensuring land and jobs and opportunities would still be granted for them and "expelled" that "annoying" little thing.

Well, but as I said, the Chinese have their ways and I'm willing to bet Malays never expected such a small piece of land with barely any natural resources to become so rich.

If you cross the bridge to Malaysia (built by Singapore) and have a look at Johor Baruh, first city after the immigration, what you will see resembles what Singapore used to be in the 70's, shortly after the independence treat. It becomes obvious that Singapore underwent a huge renovation while Malaysia, well... Didn't!

Still today, based on the treaty that was so unilateral, Malays have their interests protected in Singapore. They will have benefits no other race in Singapore will have. For example, by law, a certain percentage of apartments in HDB flats (economic dwellings created by the government) must be available to Malay buyers at a discounted price. It doesn't matter if there are buyers or not. If there aren't, those units are to be available just the same.

There are lots of other situations and cases where Malays are protected or simply benefit from the law but I'm getting off track too much, diverting from the topic. The important thing to know is: Malays have all benefits and still complain.

It's like having a healthy male adult complaining he is being abused or taken advantage of by a 6 month baby girl.

The latest case and reason for the post is the 'water issue'. It's been in the papers and sounds so absurd it borders the ridiculous. Singapore has no water resources. The agreement set the price of the water supplied by Malaysia. There was a date when the price was to be reviewed and adjusted. Malaysia 'forgot' about it and missed the date. When they realized it, they came complaining. Singapore agreed to review the price despite the inefficiency of the Malay government. The price doubled.

Two years later, way before the next adjustment date, Malaysia started complaining again. Singapore ceded and a new adjustment was made. Another couple of years passed and guess what? Yep, Malays came whining again. Now they are advertising in every paper that Singapore had an enormous profit on re-selling the water they bought so cheap and that this is not fair. The latest I read even mentioned that "each Singaporean would have to pay only a couple of cents, less then a bite of a Big Mac, for an entire year supply of water".

Don't this people realize they are making a mockery of themselves? Check the news on both Singaporean and Malaysean papers, the "Straits Times" and "The New Straits Times" respectively.

At the airport

Woohoo!!! Going home early. I am actually wait-listed for two flights later today. My confirmed flight is only tomorrow at 10:00am. However, Rajan (the limousine driver) got me queue numbers at the airport and I think I'll manage to go back.

Noor sounded happy I am going back earlier. Maybe we can meet later today? Who knows? It would be great, wouldn't it?

Busy long days

This trip to Malaysia was fruitful. Yesterday morning we had a good meeting with Roche Malaysia and in the afternoon at another customer's site I managed to solve pending issues regarding reporting. My colleague, the Sales Director who needed my help seemed to be happy with the results.

Throughout the day, every hour or so, I would be taking quick breaks to SMS Noor, my new online friend. I'm not ashamed to admit: I am infatuated. And she seems to be too, which is good. We have been talking a lot, either via SMS or Instant Messenger and we get along fine, despite our so different cultural background.

This is a lesson I needed. She's muslim and with all the ignorance about their religion, I am faced with the opportunity to learn more.

I invited her for dinner followed by a DVD session in my place and she accepted. Dinner will be tomorrow and the DVD session is to be settled during dinner. Oh, boy... I am looking forward to it. If the chemistry is right in person as it has been over the net, we will both have solved our loneliness problems.

Someone unexpected

I forgot to mention, I received an email in reply to my web personals ad. Singaporean girl. So far she has been very interesting, sweet and understanding. We exchanged a couple of messages by email, then moved to Instant Messenger and now, we exchange SMSs.

She is so kind when talking to me it makes it difficult not to be drawn to her. But then again, I am always so starved for attention it's hard to tell what's real from what my mind and needy heart want to be real. And though I keep telling myself to take it slowly (I barely know her) I find myself willing to talk to her every chance I got.

Oh, boy... I'm pathetic, I know...

Here we go again

SQ118 to Kuala Lumpur: 22 minutes delayed. Do I care? Not so sure anymore. If entire populations get used with being abused by corrupt governors, countless wives get used with their husbands physical assaults, numerous children get used with not having a proper meal at least once a day... Should I care if the bloody plane is 20+ minutes late?

The answer is: Yes! I should!!!

Because I cannot to be responsible for what happens to others but I can certainly try to fix things that happen to me. As much as I would love to, I cannot solve the world's problems. If I could snap my fingers and guarantee every kid is well fed, every household is peaceful and every country has a fair prosperous government, believe me, I would have done it long ago. Unfortunately, this is not how the story goes and the best I can do with my limited powers is try to solve my own personal conflicts, in my own personal space, hoping others will do the same.

Who are they?

Your friends, who are they? Your real friends. Family doesn’t count and don’t come to me with stories of how good your relationship is with your father, mother, brother, sister or anyone who shares the same last name or is somehow blood related. Go ahead, count them. Got a number? Ok, now let me tell you this:

If you think your friends are the ones that have so much in common with you, who will agree with you in all things and all the time, boy I’m telling you, you’re in for a big surprise. It might sound funny after what’s been said in the first paragraph but, you’re real friends are just like your family. They will fight you, argue with you, disagree, from time to time even upset you but the important thing is they are there for you. In your darkest hour, when everyone else turns away from you, they will be there. They will tell you to your face “You really screwed up this time!” just to complement with “Let’s see how *WE* solve this mess.”

For them, there is no wrong time, there are no ‘buts’, nothing is too much or too difficult. They will be there for you. They will tell you what you need to hear when no one else has the guts to do it, even when they know you’re not going to like it. As someone said recently, they are like bitter medication. They are the family you get to choose. So, choose carefully.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the friends, real friends, I have. And though I wish I had more, I know it’s not that easy. Good friends just don’t ‘happen’. They cannot be bought and cannot be made in a couple of weeks.

Now, that said. Who are they? Your real friends. Count again…

And to my friends who might be reading: Guys, thank you ever so much.

…

It was 2:15am and I had just put my instant messenger on “away” mode. As soon as I switched off the lights I heard the usual sound of incoming message. I was really tired but you know how these things are, right? Wouldn’t hurt to check the mailbox one more time, wouldn’t hurt see who was calling. Wanna take a guess?

J. It was her. The message was simply “you there?”. Well, I could, or perhaps should, have pretended not to see. Next morning I would just send an offline message saying “Sorry! I wasn’t”. But that would be so mean. And honestly, it’s not like I hate her and never want to hear from her again. How could I possibly? I spent 4 years with her. I learned a lot from her and owe her a lot too. If the thought of avoiding her crossed my mind, it’s just due to the realization that we are not meant to be together. So, why insist?

Anyway, the heart gave in, the brain was already halfway asleep, so I ‘chatted’ a bit. All the usual stuff: “How are you? How’s work? Have you been travelling? You haven’t sent me my post cards.”… So on and so forth. Nothing ever changes. I could feel she was very meticulously trying not to scare me away by saying something stupid while steering the conversation towards her real goals, whatever they were. Confirmation came when she asked “But, honestly, how are things with you?”.

I know her too well, you know? It’s a side effect of intimacy. The real question behind the question was “Have you found a girlfriend yet?” or “Are you still alone and maybe unhappy?”. You know where this was going to get, right? I had too much of that already. Providence come to rescue me by dropping her connection (may God bless dial-ups) before I could reply. So I set my IM to “away” again and headed bed without looking back.

This morning there was an email from her sister in my mail box. It said:

“Hi, how are you. When are you coming back to visit? We all miss you very much. Sorry, the line dropped. J is asking you to call her. Love, Fa.”

I didn’t. And life goes on…

You are all going to die down here!

Or so said the Red Queen!

And I say: Yeah, Sweetie; Now tell me something I do not know! Because, as far as I know, I’ve been dying since the day I was born. Now, it’s just a matter of counting days and trying hard to make the most out of them.

And I mentioned before, another 15 years should be enough to see my son a grown up, well educated man, living and leading his own life. As of now, this is all that really matters. Unless of course, I manage to find my soul mate, who will sweep me off my feet and bring me back to life. Make me believe in love again. That would be nice, but I’m beginning to think it’s unlikely.

Let’s see... I had an argument with Melody. I was already disappointed with her and her way of dealing with things, but still regarded her as a friend. Then she called, gave me that “Oh, I love you so much” speech and asked me to call back next day. Soft-hearted and needy as I am right now, I fell for it. I started thinking maybe I was being too inconsiderate with her situation and perhaps I should be more understanding. Given the fact I am supposed to go back to the Philippines in a couple of weeks, I started nurturing the idea of having a serious conversation with her and, who knows, give it a try.

Well, that thought did not last long. She had a sudden jealousy attack, triggered by a comment I sent her via SMS, and avoided my calls for two days. I did not know what was happening. Honestly, I thought maybe her mobile (a pre-paid one) had no credits or she had travelled to some remote area with no mobile coverage. But when I finally got through, I was greeted by a totally different person. Not by the same sweet girl who was making me everlasting love promises days before, but by a mean bitter and unaffectionate woman who did not care to listen to what I had to say. Well, fair enough. We did not have anything going before, we might as well keep it like that.

Koi, in Thailand, is still a doll. And still thinks I am a bloody ATM machine. What is wrong with these people!? She sent me an email explaining what happened with the money I had given her so she could make her passport. The passport is yet to be issued but just a couple of days ago she said she had to send money to her parents and asked if I could help. It broke my heart to say no. But I was already hurting when she asked. Nothing ever changes...

The sisters are calling again. I deserve it! They probably know Koi and I are not doing so fine after all. I am a prey at large. “Look! The ‘jai dee’ foreigner is free again!” Is it worth it? I’m afraid not.

Ok, so – as the sales guys would say – what’s in the pipeline? Erm... Nothing! There’s nothing in the pipeline. No one. Not a single soul. Right now, I am waiting for Lord Almighty to have mercy on me and give me some pointers, cause I really do not know where to look anymore.

And I just realized: I am like wine! With age, I am getting… Bitter!

Wherever you are...

And I know you are out there somewhere; please listen to me. I’ve been trying to find you without any success. I’ve been looking in the wrong places. I’ve been meeting the wrong people. I’ve been wasting time, sometimes losing focus. And I am getting weary. So, please hear my plea. If you’re looking for me too, please do not give up. We will meet, I am sure. But I am counting on you for help. Maybe you are more resourceful than I am. Maybe you are more focused. Maybe you are stronger. Do not give up on me, please. Please.

The Empty House Syndrome

It’s wonderful to have successfully finished this first phase of my project in Malaysia. And it certainly feels good to be back home and knowing I’ll be in for the week. However, the thought of ‘going home’ to no one still upset me. When J was around and I could not take her travelling with me, it was reassuring to know she would be home when I arrived. It was always nice. We would stay away for a couple of days and upon my return she would be the sweetest person. She would greet me at the door with a big smile, help me unpacking, ask me about the trip, those things... It was nice...

Now, I come home to an empty apartment. No one to talk to. No one waiting for me. Just the furniture and my own personal chaos: piles of paid bills and receipts, CDs and DVDs, small money from different countries and lots of computer parts and manuals. Nothing that could give me the warm feeling of being home again.

So, after I finished part of the unpacking yesterday, I inserted a DVD into the player and sat down on the sofa, a can of diet coke in one hand, the remote control in the other... On the big screen, Shakira, MTV Unplugged show started. I bought it by mistake. I thought it was the “Laundry Service” show, her latest. But no problem, I like Shakira since the first released album. The songs on this DVD are those from the second, “Dónde están los ladrones?”. I knew I was going to enjoy it. What I didn’t know was that I was going to start crying after paying attention the lyrics. Good Lord! Why do I always cry?

Songs like ‘Moscas en la casa’, ‘Sombras de Ti’, ‘Inevitable’ and especially ‘Tú’ can only be written by someone who has experienced both love and lost. Check the lyrics at LyricsFreak.

Now, the big question is: was I missing company or missing *her* company? Hard to say. I guess a bit of both. I need to fall in love again... (sighs)

When nice people behave not so nicely

For those who don't know, Singapore is a very controlled and organized country. To the point jokes will say it's a fine city: you'll get fined for almost anything, from chewing gum to not flushing the toilet. From speaking in public without a permit to feeding the birds in a park.

Though it might sound funny to some and too extreme to others, this approach ensures the country is clean and things work as expected. And while it's an annoyance to most, for me, coming from a country where anarchy is the rule not the exception, this strict way of running the country is a blessing.

You learn to live with these rules. And the moment they serve you in any way, you become glad they were there. The only problem is: you really get used to things done the proper way. You get used to abiding to the law. And when you feel something is not the way it's supposed to be, you resent it.

I do not have many complaints about life in Singapore. When asked if I like the place, I have no problem saying it's the second best country in the globe (Denmark still being the first). I have always been treated with respect and fairness here. But sometimes I catch myself thinking: are Singaporeans nice people by nature or because of the law?

Consider this: Every one knows you're not supposed to switch your mobile on while in the plane. Whether it is really dangerous is beyond the point. We’re told to have it switched off at all times while on board the aircraft. When the cabin crew says that repeatedly and in different languages, would you agree there is a reason for it? And if they say having the mobile on interferes with the plane's navigation system, wouldn't it be fair to at least give them the benefit of doubt and just have the bloody piece of equipment off?

Well, so it happens ever so frequently that, whenever arriving in Singapore, as soon as the plane has its wheels on the ground, people start switching on their phones. It's just plain stupid! Flight attendants will not allow you to answer the phone if it happens to ring. Besides, after you've been on a plane with your mobile off for two hours (or whatever amount of time, for that matter), what difference does it make if you switch it on 15 minutes after the touch down, when you are already outside, in the lounge?

On this last flight, this guy’s phone started ringing while the plane was still on it’s way to the gate. At first he pretended it wasn’t his. You know, that “Gold Fish” look on his face. Then, when the situation was unbearable, everyone else staring at him and the stewardess already approaching to lecture him, he switched it off without answering, all apologetic. What a clown.

Makes no sense to me... But, what the heck, I'm getting old and grumpy. Never mind me! Just the same, I’ll tell you more about ‘nice people behaving not so nicely’ some other time.

All's well when it ends well

Everything's done! I'm going home! There's nothing like a little help from the masters to speed up things a little bit. BK, recently being called 'Khun Blues' due to his long presence in Thailand, arrived on site Thursday morning. We had this little meeting with the end user in the morning and after lunch he helped me validating the environment.

Nothig wrong with my installation (which made me very proud and relieved) but still the bloody Dialogic Card wasn't dialing.

Yesterday, we repeated the routine and after fiddling with the board configuration a little more - badabin-badaban - we were able to make the calls. We're done! Now, all I have to do is be available and wait till other pieces of the solution are ready, so we can proceed with UAT (User Acceptance Testing) and move to production.

Good, lah!!!

Testing, 1, 2, 3...

My first post using the new PDA! I'm not sure it's going to work as my connection to the desktop application is not yet operational. It's not the first time it stops synchronizing. It happened once before. That time, all I had to do was re-install the software. Well, this time it did not work. Another thing that is bothering me a bit is the fact my Graffiti is not so accurate anymore. I don't know, maybe it's just a matter of getting used to the 'feel' of the screen, which is a lot smoother than the other model. Or maybe I'll have to buy protective screen covers to this model. I don't know...

About falling in love

"Data from questionnaire studies (Rombouts, 1987) suggest that [falling in love] is triggered by a specific sequence of events, in which the qualities of the love-object are of minor importance. A person is ready to fall in love because of one of a number of reasons - loneliness, sexual need, dissatisfaction, or need or variety. An object then incites interest, again for one of a number of reasons, such as novelty, attractiveness, or mere proximity. Then give the person a moment of promise, a brief response from the object that suggests interest. It may be a confidence; it may be a single glance, such as a young girl may think she received from a pop star. Then give the person a brief lapse of time - anywhere between half an hour or half a day, the self-report suggests - during which fantasies can develop. After that sequence, no more than a single confirmation, real or imagined is needed to precipitate falling in love." -- Nico H. Frijda, University of Amsterdam, The Netherlands in his paper on The Laws of Emotion.

Home! Finally!

Good Lord! That was an adventure... I'm finally back at the hotel, waiting for my medium rare sirloin steak with black pepper sauce. I'm starving! And oh so tired (what's new?).

I still have to read the documentation on the 'Outbound Solution' and reply to mail messages, but it's ok. At least I can do it in my briefs. And tonight I *AM* going to bed early.

It's fine. Until it rains...

When in Kuala Lumpur, being Malaysia a Muslin country, you do have to exercise some common sense. Not that it's dangerous or anything alike; It's just that the culture is really different and it's not hard to find oneself in an uncomfortable gaffe. For example, Muslin women are not supposed to have any physical contact with men other than their husbands. So, if you try to shake their hands when you get introduced, you will find yourself in a social gaffe. Since in the business world shaking hands is normal (unless you're in Japan) some Muslin business women are used to it and consider it acceptable. But in any case, wait for them to extend their hands and you will avoid looking silly.

I'm not sure if I mentioned but recently in the local papers, an article was discussing what should constitute 'improper or lewd behaviour'. The question was raised after a young couple was arrested and fined in KL for holding hands in a park. Last Valentine's Day I also read that the police was arresting couples who were making out in cars and forcing them to get married. A Muslin friend, whose sister is married to an Englishman, tells me she - the sister - gets constantly nagged by officials asking for marriage certificates. If she fails to produce them, which she never does, she could be in trouble. Yep. There you go. Cultural differences.

I've been told they have some sort of 'moral enforcement agents' that go around, sometimes in disguise, watching out for bad or inappropriate conduct of members of the Muslin community. They say they are not concerned with foreigners, focusing just in preserving the interest of their own people. But I hear contradictory comments on that.

Regardless all these do's and don’ts, Kuala Lumpur is quite fine... Until it rains! Once it starts raining, the city becomes a chaos and things get really complicated. It was just past 5pm when I started packing my stuff to get back to the hotel. That's when I heard it... Loud and clear. Frightening. Mr Murphy's laughter. "Oh, SHOOT" I said to myself. And before I could do anything else, it was pouring outside. It was damn hot the entire day and it had to rain exactly when I was about to leave, of course.

I had to wait for one hour till the rains subsided. It did not stop, but at least I could get outside and wait for a taxi on the taxi stand. But wait, it's not over yet. I was waiting there for half an hour, already soaked, when the rains started to get strong again. I gave up. Decided I would be better off sitting here and accessing the internet. It's almost 8pm and I am still here, at the bank, typing this just to avoid being bored to death. I guess I should try again. Maybe I am luckier this time.

Huh? No internet access???

Well, it would be more accurate to say 'no proper internet access'. I do have internet access now, but it's so limited. Remember when we used to hand write our letters and the fastest way to send a document was the fax machine? Remember when internet was a novelty and people did not really count on it for 'serious' things? Remember when you decided you needed an internet service provider for your home? To some, this was not so long ago. Myself, in 1987 I was making international phone calls that would cost a fortune just to browse the net through CompuServ. Somehow I missed the big boom and did not get involved in the 'Dot Com' business. I could be running my own ISP now. But it doesn't really matter...

So, here I am, in Kuala Lumpur (by the way, did I mention it means 'Muddy River'?), with very limited internet access and suffering because of that. Even my newest toy, the Clie PEG-NR80V/G with WiFi, has no use as there are no Wireless Spots around. Sad, sad, sad...

Hey, hold on a second!

Remember I mentioned SQ flights could carry 60 people and MH flights 40? Ok, disregard that info. Arvind, one of the guys from the project was probably just trying to make me feel a bit better about not being able to get a flight out of KL last Friday. And I fell for it. I mean, at those hours, tired as I was it made sense. Usually the last row of seats in those planes is somewhere between 60 and 64. What I failed to realize is that is the row number but every row, except from the last two, has nine seats. Gosh, I hate when I'm a slow thinker...

Erm... Nopes!

No. Sorry. My mistake. It was not on time. Nine minutes delayed till doors were finally closed and 17 (!) till we were finally on the air.

On the plane

Monday morning. Early morning, I should say. But I'm not complaining; it was my own choice. I could have taken the flight yesterday but I've been trying to avoid having my weekends taken by the job.

And the breaking news is: SQ102 will be on time! Can you believe that? I can't!

Busy, busy day! I accomplished so much it feels strange knowing it is still Saturday. After I arrived in the morning I worked a bit, putting out fires I did not create. Then, I organized stuff in the house a little, browsed the internet a little, updated my blog with the posts from the trip, prepared and ate a hotdog for lunch, spoke with Val, my Brazilian friend, and went out to look for my newest gadget: the latest Sony Clie model released. Yeesssssss!!! My PDA now has WiFi, babe, WiFi! It's gonna be so much easier to update my blog and check for messages!

After that I just took the MRT to the recently inaugurated station next to my condominium, had dinner at the renovated food court, returned home and watched TV a bit. HBO had 'The Bodyguard' showing. Huh? If I cried in the end of the movie? What kind of question is this? ... Okay, okay, I did. Happy? I cry for nothing anyway.

After that it was Cher's Farewell Concert. Amazing how good she looks despite her age!

Gotta go. I'm not concentrating anymore. Cher is more entertaining. Ha!

There was no point in waiting... Available flights were two SQ (Singapore Airlines) and one MH (Malaysian Airlines); SQ can take 60 people; MH takes only 40. And I still had 170 people in front of me, waiting. So I got back to KL last night. Rick and the boys from the project were waiting for me at 'Sentral' station. They picked me up and we went drinking.

After 30 minutes or so looking for a place to park the car, we found a spot.

The first bar we went was packed but nothing much was happening. They were playing 'oldies' and apart from some cute Malay/Chinese girls promoting cigarettes and Carlsberg beers, all others had company. Thirty minutes there and we were bored to death. So we moved to another bar.

The second bar had pool tables and some serious 'hoties' dancing, drinking or just hanging around. I was too tired to even consider approaching anyone - which is not my style anyway - but it was nice watching them doing what they do best: being pretty.

By 23:30 I need bed badly. Hating myself for being a 'party pooper', I told the guys I was sorry but had to leave. I spent the night a Ricky's. Woke up pretty early and here I am, on board of SQ103 to SG (late, as you would expect)...

Hmmm... This is interesting. I'm on the 'Tren Ekspres' from KLIA to KL (are you used to all the acronyms yet?). They say it takes exactly 28 minutes to get to 'Sentral' station whereas by car it can take a full hour. Costs only RM 35, roughly $17 Sing dollars; I've been paying RM 120 for the Limo Service... Depending on how easy it is to get a taxi at the Central Station, Rajan, the limo driver, might loose a customer.

And before I finish this post... Have you noticed how Bahasa Malay looks similar to English? A friend told me: get a kid with very bad spelling abilities to write something in English and the result is going to be Malay!

Waiting... Bored... I should have requested a flight for Saturday morning. Big mistake. One lady who was sitting behind me and also waiting for a free seat in any plane going to Singapore was talking on the phone and saying she had been waiting for 5 hours!!! They are still calling #338, my number is 501! I give up... I'm going back to KL. Will try my luck again tomorrow...

So I get to the airport, get a number for queuing for the Malaysia/Singapore shuttle (#501, 173 people before me - ouch!) and head for a quick bite. What's in the radio? "I wanna be the daylight in your eyes, I wanna be like sunshine, only warmer..." J loved that song. Is God testing my resistance? C'mon, Man! Gimme a break here! Please...

As I look at the scenery outside, the day getting darker and heavy rain beginning to fall, still half way to the airport, I think of J. Caught myself wondering what she would be babbling about if she was with me. How long till I can think of her the same way I think about Ana, my ex-wife? Or, in other words, how long till I know in my heart that I'm over her? It's been only a few months but feels like I have been alone for so long. How come this feeling is so strong and the memory of her does not get weaker? Just the arguments, fights, problems and bad things seem to be slowly fading. And this is what forces me to keep constant watch, reminding myself how much I suffered because of her, either directly or indirectly.

Going home! Wah lao, I was in Kuala Lumpur for only three days but it was enough to get a feeling on how this project is going to be. Remember I said it was going to be a piece of cake? Well, it's not! The technical part poses no problem but dealing with an arrogant clueless pseudo Project Manager wannabe seems to be the challenge I'll have to face.

I was under the impression this guy's work was actually to create obstacles for me to tackle. It's like a pissing contest. "Let's see who the real macho here" sort of thing. For example, he wouldn't let me have copy of our own database. He said the information was 'confidential'! For me? C'mon!!! It's my work to check these things!

The analogy I used to explain things to my colleagues was quite funny but also very real. Imagine your wife is complaining of sharp unbearable pain in her breasts. You take her to see a doctor. Once you're there, the conversation between the the doctore and you goes somewhat like this:

"Ok Mrs. Whatever, take off your blouse so I can check what the problem is." - He says to her.
"Sorry. No peeking!", you reply.
"Huh?!"
"You can't look. It's private."
"What?!? Erm... Ok, ok... Let me touch and maybe I'll be able to feel something."
"Nopes. No, no, no, no! No touching!"
"Excuse me?!"
"You heard me. No touching!"
"Mr. Whatever, how do you expect me to diagnose your wife if I don't examine her?"
"Oh, I'll look and touch and I'll tell you whatever you need to know!"

I'm telling you, if it wasn't for the help of two contractors working for the bank and prompt assistant provided by my good friends and co-workers, PL & WT, I wouldn't have accomplished much this week...

Guess where I am and I'll give you a candy... Yeah! At the airport. Very good! I owe you some sweets and have proven my point - my life has become very predictable. As predictable as Singapore Airlines delays. SQ102, June 25th, 12 minutes. 15, if you consider actual take off time. I'm telling you: I will start a log I can later forward to SIA. But come think of it, what's the point? It's all over the media now that they are having difficulties. Sad, very sad...

Koi sent messages asking how I was etc. She knows I got upset with her after her message last Saturday, asking me to send her money. I keep repeating this - it's not the money that bothers me; It's her asking for it after I had given her some, specifically to cover for the expenses of making her passport. If she decided that giving the money to her parents was more important, I'm cool with it (God only knows if they were in real need) but she should have either 1) made me part of that decision or 2) informed me of the change of plans. Doing it counting on me to have the money available for her was a big mistake.

Huh!? Do I have the money? Well, that's beyond the point, isn't it? I do, but... So what?

It’s all about being content. It’s all about being content. It’s all about being freaking content. Maybe if I repeat that to myself a billion times more I will start to believe it.

Brief update. Lin, with whom I thought I could relate, has this Aussie guy she is madly in love with, though she won’t admit it – not even to herself. My Thai wannabe girlfriend called and asked for money – reality check and wake up call. Pam remains a good friend but still lives in Scotland, on the other side of the globe, too far for me to count on her for real comfort, of course. So does Vicky. My Danish friend, the one with eyes that punched holes in my soul, gracefully escaped my paranoia – good for her. Juls writes emails now and then, as usual nothing important to say – just doing her part in making my life miserable and making sure I do not forget her. I haven’t spoken with my son for a couple of weeks – I am a lousy parent. I buy his love with gifts and phone calls, trying desperately not let him forget his pitiful father.

I might be changing my nickname to Hardy Har Har. Every time I stop to pay attention, I find myself whining. I am getting tired of myself. Tired of my own complains. It’s all about being content, I have to remember. But I am also tired of trying to be content and still being alone.

This new project in Malaysia, which seemed dull at first, might be just what I need. Might be a blessing in disguise, as some would say. Though it brings nothing new in terms of personal development, I will probably be so freaking busy trying to push the customer to do its part and working on damage control that I won’t have time to think about anything else. And if at any moment in time I wasn’t so excited about it, I suddenly I find myself looking forward to it. Again, if something goes weird, I might have to bug some of the good guys. They always help me, out of their goodness and commitment to the company. They are the real consultants. I am phoney. PA and BK, if you read this: Thanks, mates… Really!

So, what’s new in my life? Nothing. There’s nothing new. Apart from the fact my house is becoming very untidy. I have computer pieces and travel receipts scattered all over the place. The maid has to clean around the mess. And I always thought your house depicts what goes on in your head. It’s a freaking mess, man. I would be embarrassed to go in a house like mine. I have to put myself together before things get really out of hand. But how?

Finding love seems impossible. Maybe because I rush things too much. Or maybe I have been looking in the wrong places. Or maybe I have been too choosy. What the heck!? Shouldn’t I be choosy? I know what I want and what I need. She’s out there somewhere. But how do I find her? Sometimes I think I met her and scared her away...

I need to rest. I wish I could sleep for three days. Why not five? Or more? Do they still have that "sleep therapy" thing? Was it ever for real? Putting people to sleep as means of getting them out of depression? Oh, I can almost feel the headache that treatment must cause. And when you wake up, are your problems solved? Can I go to bed now and have all my problems solved for me? Please?

I am tired. Of my own inertia. Of my own life. Of the situation I have put myself into. Damn, I am tired of writing... Gotta go.

Another day, another airport... On the way to Kuala Lumpur I revise, half awake, half asleep, the events of the previous days.

Yesterday I finally met Lin. Remember I mentioned she did not want to meet at all and then changed her mind? I think I mentioned that… Well, anyway, she was in Bangkok when I arrived last week and we were supposed to meet there, but it did not happen. Then, when coming back, I asked if she would like to meet in Singapore and she said it would be ok. So we were exchanging messages about it and agreed that meeting at the airport would be easy and convenient for both of us.

She was not quite what I expected her to be, I shall say. I knew she was exaggerating when she mentioned she was fat and ugly. I though I couldn't care less if she really was, I must confess it was a pleasant surprise to learn otherwise. The woman is stunning! I was sitting there at the airport, having just arrived from Thailand, waiting for what I expected to be someone ordinary, when this gorgeous girl comes in my direction, nods at me and smiles. Can you imagine how surprised I was?

Nice trendy shades, sun tanned skin, discreet clothing, dazzling smile, beautiful face and, Good Lord, a body to die for! My first thought was: "She lied to me"... But a split second later I caught myself thinking: "She’s a babe! Who cares?". Besides, with her good looks, it is understandable she will try to steer away from shallow guys who will be drawn by her beauty while forgetting she's got feelings and a brain as well. If she was testing me, I passed the test. And oh, boy, was I glad!

We talked for a couple of hours, over coffee and French fries; right there at the airport. If I was tired for not sleeping much the night before, I certainly forgot about it. Her smiles were mesmerizing and I couldn’t keep my eyes off them. That fact she was shy only added to her charms. And she is as lovely in person as she was over the internet.

After we said goodbye I had a huge smile on my face. I went home and tried hard to act normal and refrain from sending her an SMS or something. “Act cool, act cool. I’ve gotta be cool!” But in fact, I was dying to write her. Call her. Talk to her. I needed to talk to her because I had this feeling things would not be the same anymore after we met in person. Over the internet, I said so much about me, my private life, things happening, my frustrations and all… I felt embarrassed when we met in person. I was already developing this crush for her before we met. Just because she was sexy and understanding and trying to help me in my frustrations with Koi etc. But after I met her – wow – that crush was a certainty!

Funny how the universe sometimes likes to play games with us. This happens right as I was being drawn to Koi. What happens now? I am filled with questions...

Have you ever had this feeling you should not let go of something because if you did it would be over for good? Well this is the feeling I have now, just after saying goodbye to Koi at the immigration gate at the Bangkok International Airport. It was a wonderful week: almost like vacations. We had fun, I rested (though still doing some work), we had time to 'bond' and get to know each other better and as a result for all that, we even started making plans for a near future. No, not big plans as in 'commitment', but small ones like 'let's meet again a week from now'. However, this feeling remains that it might not happen...

Koi is this sweet loving person. How come something in me keeps shouting she's not the one? Intimacy between us... Oh, what the heck, why am I choosing words here? Where you see intimacy, please read 'sex'! So, sex with her wasn't exactly 'awesome'. Hmmm... I guess I am trying to protect her... It was lousy!

She's too inexperienced, too shy and too passive for it to be really enjoyable. Foreplay, something most women complain partners do not pay much attention to, to her seemed unpleasant - almost disgusting, I'd say. Then, when the real 'action' began, she just closed her eyes, turned her face sideways and lied very still as if waiting for me to finish 'my business'. Having sex with an inflatable doll probably feels like that. That's why I say it was lousy. I mean, if she's not enjoying it's not love making, it's rape! That can be exciting for some, but not for me.

But, is it all about sex? Or should it be? After having a sex partner like J, can I settle for less? Even knowing that trust, honesty and love are more important than the physical thing? Of course it is not supposed to be all about sex but from time to time this week, I could feel the warm breath of lust on my neck, whispering in my ear: 'do you miss me already?'...

Time to go back to Bangkok. It's a pity because the weekend was really enjoyable. It was nice having a break from the daily activities. In Mae Sai, time has a different pace. Quite unlike the rush in Bangkok. Beautiful places to see, fresh air, friendly people... Good Lord! It's so easy to fall in love with Thailand.

The Thai Airways flight TG133 was delayed, but not as much as the SIA flights. Amazing, isn't it? One would expect SIA to set standards and now they can't even cope with their own set procedures...

The Blessing

- My country we have this... ... custom?
- Uhmm, humm? - I replied trying to anticipate what was coming.
- We give... hmmm... food?
- ... ?!?
- To family. Not much. Just... ... symbol?
- Mai cotchai, Koi!?
- We go Big C. You will understand. Dai mai?
- Dai. Mai pen rai...

And so, off we went to the supermarket. A big one, I should say. Comparable with any Carrefour in Singapore or Kuala Lumpur. It’s called Big C. Go figure... She got a pushcart and started filling it with instant noodles, cream crackers, small bottles of fish sauce, small packages of sugar, a pack of thin small sized candles… things like that. I suddenly started feeling a bit abused. I thought, “Hold on a second. It’s a custom to have a stranger who barely knows the family do grocery shopping for them all?” It did not seem right and I though of complaining. But something in me told me I should wait and see what the story was. Besides, no matter how much she bought, I knew the total amount would be so cheap it would not be worth the argument so... I kept quiet. I even started encouraging her, suggesting things like coffee powder, glasses, morning cereal etc. Oddly, nothing I suggested seemed to be right. She would look at me with a question mark all over her face. That “what-the-heck-is-he-talking-about” kind of look, you know? I did not get it so I gave up; volunteered to push the cart and shut up. She did not over do it and I was getting very curious now.

When she was done, we proceeded to the cashier and as I expected, the total amount was very cheap. My monthly grocery shop usually goes beyond S$500 and, mind you, I live alone now. Hers, with all she bought, was did not exceed S$110. Was it worth fighting for? Not really. If she was happy, I was happy. They would be happy too so everyone was happy. Small price to pay for all that happiness, I figured.

We drove back to her parents’ house and there, she started dividing all we had bought into small plastic bags. Not much in each bag. One or two instant noodles, a small bottle of fish sauce, some sugar, some salt, two of the small candles. I still did not understand but helped her do what she was doing. Then she went to the kitchen, got a plate, one of the bags and called me to follow her to her auntie’s house.

When we got there she asked me if I had 200 Baht. I gave her the money and we got in the house. She spoke with her aunt in Thai, something I couldn’t possibly understand but her aunt seemed very happy. We sat down on the floor across from the lady, she put the plate in front of us, the small things she had on the plastic bag on the plate, the two 100 Baht bills I gave her and the two small candles laying down on top of everything. Then she motioned me to put my hands together as in a prayer while her auntie recited something in Thai. It was indeed a little prayer, she was saying. When she finished, Koi pushed the plate to her, she took the things from it. All this was done very seriously and respectfully. After she pushed the plate back to Koi, she was all smiles again. We said thank, goodbye and left.

It was then that Koi said: “In my country (she did not mean Thailand, but Chiang Rai), when someone goes to a big city and makes more money than the ones who stayed behind, we have this custom of giving a gift symbolizing help. The old people like it very much because it shows gratitude. She thanked us and blessed us. Whoever comes back from working in big cities will do it.”

I was glad I was patient enough to wait for the result because it was nice to be part of that. We went back and repeated the process a few more times for different uncles and aunties. When we were done, we went to her house and to my surprise each and every one of them showed up with something for us to take back o Bangkok. Some brought us fruits, others tea from their farms, grinded chilly, food... It was their turn to return the kindness of our act. I found it all so amusing and interesting...

But the blessing wasn’t finished yet. Since it was our last night there and we were saying goodbye, her parents also prayed for our safe journey back. Now, that got me a bit worried. Not that it was scary or anything. It’s just that... Well... Suddenly I really had this impression we were getting married!!! If I am to get married to anyone, I would like to know first! I think it’s a fair request, ain’t it? We were on our knees, her mother and father blessing us in Thai, her aunts and uncles tying strings in our wrists and saying little prayers with every knot that got tied. Then her parents sprinkled water in our heads and it was over. I could not resist... when we left the place after all the ‘goodbyes’ and ‘have a nice trip backs’ I asked her: Erm... Did we just get married? She laughed so much that I felt safe again! :o)

When in Rome...

Do as the Romans! And you should take that seriously when traveling otherwise you will 1) offend locals or 2) miss the opportunity to learn new things or simply 3) not enjoy the excitement of the adventure, that thrill of experiencing the different, which is one of the good things about traveling.

Doing so, however, will sometimes require you to be adventurous and/or skilled. Traveling in Southeast Asia will give you plenty of opportunities to exercise such abilities. For example, some say the French will eat whatever the rest of the world finds repulsive, right? Well, come to SE Asia and you'll learn the French are not quite there yet and still have lots to learn. At night, in any narrow street of Bangkok you will find small carts, usually in a bicycle form, selling all sorts of fried insects to all tastes. You can have ants, beetles, grasshoppers or one huge water bug that resembles a cockroach on steroids (yuck!).

The least disgusting looking ones are the cocoons. Maybe because they don't have legs attached to them? Nevertheless, I'm still trying to getting used to the idea they can actually be eaten. I take they are probably like liquor filled chocolates: crunchy on the outside, gooey on the inside... Bleargh! Doesn't make the idea any better!!!

The most disgusting one is the big water roach. Oh, boy! I saw someone eating one and it was simply revolting! The person in question happily munched away the insect's hairy legs before breaking it in two where the head joined the body and noisily sucking out the 'content' of the insect's bottom. Do you feel like throwing up yet? Well, I did!

Anyway, I did not try any of those... ...yet! Something I just had to do today, just because there was no other way, was using one of those toilet squatting pans. They are very common in Malaysia and I've been told that also in Japan. It was not the first time I saw them, no, but until today I was able to avoid them. Today I was unlucky and when nature called there were no toilet seats to be found so...

Gotta tell you, it was supposed to be simple, but it wasn't! If you think about it, one shouldn't require a degree to squat down and let it go, right? But try doing it! Go ahead! Just for fun try squatting down and pretending you are 'at it'! First thing you will notice if you actually try it is, if you're wearing trousers, they get in the way and you fear you will sh*t inside them if you're not careful enough.

So I had to take them out. And then the underwear. Oh, God!!! What about my socks and tennis shoes? I better aim right! It would be extremely embarrassing to get out of the toilly with soiled socks. So I did. But the floor was wet and exactly clean... I put back the shoes, without the socks. Held my shirt high and squatted. While 'doing the business' I looked around and... Hey! Hold on a second! AARRGH!!! Where's the #@! toilet paper???

Well, I will spare you the details. Suffice to say it all ended up fine and I got back home with another funny experience to tell my grandchildren... :o)

Oh, yeah! I forgot to mention. Yesterday, shortly after I arrived, when I was going through immigration, this cute immigration officer was all smiles for me. Not the one checking my passport, the other one, working on the next counter. When I finally noticed (gee, I am so dumb for this kind of things) I greeted her in Thai, just to show off a bit. Most people like it when foreigners show interest in their culture and she was no exception. She started to talk to me in Thai, very pleased at my attempt, now with a spark in the eyes and even broader smile.

Of course, almost immediately I ran out of vocabulary so I apologized, again in Thai, and explained I could not speak the language; just knew enough to greet people and give directions to taxi drivers. Then she laughed (woohoo!!!). There I was, shamelessly flirting with the cute lady at the immigration counter and wondering if I could get into trouble for doing so. The quick chat came to a point that she actually left her post and came closer to talk to me.

Unfortunately, the officer attending to my documents was done with her checking and stamping, so she cut our conversation short. I was disappointed but had to go. And this is where I failed miserably: I said "goodbye, nice meeting you" and left. Am I stupid or what? Gee, how could I be so clueless? Any other guy would have found a way to contact her again, right? I could at least have given her my business card, so she could call, perhaps. But didn't think fast enough. No such presence of spirit. I am helpless. And I suck at these flirting games. Now I can only hope I see her again next time...

I went to bed 1:00am and woke up 6:30am. As you would expect, I am very sleepy still. I admire people who sleep three or four hours per night and still be active. My ex-wife has an uncle, not too old, maybe in his mid forties, who needs only three to four hours of sleep per night. He says if he forces himself to sleep more, he ends up with muscle aches. And he is this calm and peaceful guy... If I don't get at least seven hours of deep sleep (I'm talking REM here, not a nap) during the night, I get grumpy and jumpy and have a hard time concentrating! Erm... Ok, ok! That's me all time, sleep or not. But, oh, how I envy him...

Think about it. Most of us sleep in average 8 hours a night. In our 24 hour day, that represents 1/3 of our available time. Now, think about ALL the things you've done and seen and imagine how much more you could have done if you didn't have to sleep! Reminds me of the latest Bond movie. Do you remember the Korean general's son? The crook? He didn't sleep. All he needed was a couple of minutes in the 'dream inducing machine' (yeah, they say you HAVE to dream or you go crazy. Sleeping is not important, dreaming is).

Anyway, I'll leave you with an old tune that goes somewhat like this:

"What's in a dream?
Is it all the things you'd like to have been?
All the places that you haven't yet seen?
Tell me what's in dream..."

Ok, I know this is not exactly common but - hey, what difference does it make? I'm on board the TG410 to Bangkok... Yeah, today. And no, I'm not being sent to solve anything or work anywhere, I'm going just 'because'. It is unusual, I know, being a Thursday and all, but as I asked: what difference does it make if I'm in Singapore or Thailand? The work I have to do tomorrow does not require my physical presence in the office. I'll need email access and my mobile phone; and I'll have both so...

I'll be going to Chiang Rai (CEI) tomorrow to visit Koi. I decided today. She had invited me before so I called and asked if the offer was still valid. RK and his wife invited me to spend the weekend with them in Chiang Mai (CNX), where they live. It would be fun as RK said he would be the one to introduce me to someone this time. Last time his wife introduced me to Kwan and you might remember it did not turn out too well (read older posts). This time, he said, he was going to introduce me to the right girl. And he knows me too well already, so he knows what I'm after!!! However, the poor guy is never home long enough to enjoy his family, it didn't seem right for me to be there. Besides, there are other reasons I cannot mention; it would be an invasion of their privacy. So, CEI it is!!!

The only thing I'm worried about is giving Koi the wrong expectations. I mean, I like her alright, but I do not see her as the one I am looking for. I guess it just like my situation with my Danish friend, but reversed. She sure liked me (she said so) but she also knew I wasn't the one for her. Koi is lovely. So sweet, caring, fun to be with, light hearted etc. But she is soooo innocent! I am definitely not the one for her. I am the kind of people her parents warned her about!!! And I told her that. The problem is: they never believe me...

She said: - "Don't worry. I will take good care of you!" and I'm sure she will. But she wants me to fall in love with her. That's risky business. For her, not for me. Ok, maybe for both of us. Imagine this, when the time comes and sexual intimacy is unavoidable, what happens to the relationship? We are too different! She is almost a virgin and I... I've done and/or seen so much, nothing shocks me anymore. I could probably make a 'pro' feel embarrassed... My motto is: "From all sexual practices and deviations, the only one I cannot accept nor understand is 'celibacy'!" How can I expect her to handle this? And then what? If I refrain from being Ol'Naughty Lil me, it won't last long because I'll be frustrated. If I don't, she will be either shocked, or scared, or frustrated while trying to cope. Nah! No can do!!!

Going home... Isn't going home wonderful? It occurred to me that it is yet another reason why I like traveling so much. It is sad I am going back to no one - no kisses upon arrival, no questions on how the trip went, no 'I missed you's - but still, it feels good to go home. Now, with this project in Kuala Lumpur, I'll be spending some time in Malaysia. It's not my favorite place - Itty Bitty would certainly appreciate it more - but I don't mind being there. It's just that I like Thailand better. Or even the Philippines, as a matter of fact. Hmmm... Makes me wonder...

Oh, Lord... I am tired. But happy! That's the important thing, isn't it? I received ownership of the project in KL. It's going to be risky as the customer has no trained resource to help me or maintain the system after I'm gone. Basically, I'm going in alone. Whatever goes right will look good for me *but* if something goes wrong I'm to blame too!!! No problem. It's an opportunity to learn more about the product, something I was willing to do. And if I pull this one nicely, everyone (including myself) will know I'm good! Besides, I am sure I can shine! My good friends Itty Bitty and BK taught me well. I'll be fine.

Sure enough, my predictions were confirmed. The plane was indeed late. The only thing that did not happen was the pilot apologizing. The rest was pretty accurate. Now I'm just waiting for F and W for lunch. And I fell so sleepy! It was the medicine I took for this morning's sneezes, I guess. Good Lord! To think I'll be in a meeting all afternoon... Argh!!!

And here we go again. Another week, another flight. SQ104 to Kuala Lumpur. All too familiar. Let's see if I can make some predictions as I sip on my coffee and wait for my good friend W to check-in his luggage... Ommm, ommm (closing my eyes and concentrating)... The flight is going to be full, we are going to be delayed for, say, 15 to 20 minutes because some asshole checked-in his cases but did not board the plane, the pilot will apologize 2 or 3 times before instructing the cabin crew to prepare for take off...

Ok, now do you believe me? I told you it was happening again, didn’t I? Sure enough, yesterday, there it was: an email from J. I knew it! I just knew it!!! These things are real, I am telling you! She was thinking of me. I could feel it. Then she sent an email. It was ok. Quite pleasant I would say. Just a brief note, in English, asking how things were and telling me she hoped I was fine. She also asked for postcards now and then. I don’t know why she wants them. She’s seem all these places before. I haven’t been travelling for fun, just for business. So, it’s pretty much the same places we have both been before: Thailand, The Philippines and Malaysia. I might be going to India and I keep trying to avoid going to Australia. Why would she want postcards from these places? I don’t know. Do I care? If I have the time, I will send them. Maybe she just wants to know if I am still alive, so any postcard will do.

“Hi, this is – again – the Twin Tower in Kuala Lumpur. Bye”
“Hello again; Here you can see some Philippine beaches. They look nice. I haven’t been there. Bye”

Odd, ain’t it? Well, if she wants it… Whatever… I just hope she is not expecting me to be chasing different postcards all the time. I am usually too tired for that and there was a time she was worth the effort. I’m afraid it’s not the case anymore.

She is doing it again… Or am I? Who’s calling who? Get out of my life! Get out of my blood stream! Please, leave me alone! Let go of me!!! If I could so easily let Evie go, why not her? Because Evie was a friendship gone bad. And five years don’t go away in a week. Where are you? Where in the world are you? Do you exist at all? Please, give me a sign!!! My life is shattering. It’s all falling apart. I haven’t been able to concentrate. I have not been doing things I am supposed to do. What is wrong with me? It’s all about being content. Should be easy since everything seems favourable. I miss Denmark. I miss my friend. I haven’t replied to her email yet. She might think I am upset or something. Should I quit my job? And do what? Start over? Yet another time? From nothing again? It will pass. It always does. This is a theatre. Nothing is real. It’s just a theatre. I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten her pregnant. Would it be any different? Goy did not write me today. I hope she is fine. Poor Melody… Things did not go as we had planned… It’s not my fault. It’s nobody’s fault. She knows it. But why did she have to go and get drunk? It’s so disappointing…My friend says there are always too many sad stories. He is right. Maybe mine is one too? Does it have to be? Nat called. Now. She just called. It’s almost 2:30 in the morning and she called. I would be a bit upset if I wasn’t so lonely. But I was actually glad she did. She just wanted to say “hi”. Makes me feel a bit better. Am I going crazy? No. Certainly not. They say when you are able to actually ask yourself that, then you are not. Crazy people (hardly the politically correct term, I know) just loose contact with reality. But what is real? What is real if all is but a theatre? It’s about being content. I should be content. Then everything would fall into place again.
She would be 8 month now. Or more. Or maybe we would have a baby already. Would that have changed anything at all? Or made things worst? I should go to bed… It’s bearable when I am asleep… I really should get to bed…

Another flight, another delay. I'm telling you, the exception became the rule. Singapore Airlines did not use to be like this; they have changed. And not for the better, I'm afraid. There's always a reason: security, control, inspections... But if the result is the same and there is nothing customers can do about it, does it matter? Lately, even getting the 'Strait Times' has been a problem - if you don't rush, you end up without it. Cheap economy, if you ask me. It's sad to see things going this way...

Oh, my feet hurt! After my friend and I arrived to KL we basically dropped our luggage at the hotels and went shopping. Yeah, what do you know? Guys do that too!!! We went DVD and CD shopping. I, just as it would be expected of me, over did it, I'm afraid, and now I'm going back to Singapore with a whole bunch of disks. Good, lah! At least I'll have something to do if I get stuck in town again...

I bought: Chicago, The Recruit, Evelyn, Analyze That, The Virgin Suicides, Vampire Hunter "D" (I couldn't resist, Ha! Gotta love these Japanese Mangas), They, Phone Booth, The Story of Us (I had the VCD, but I just had to have the DVD, better quality, you know. I'll watch it again and cry, cry, cry...), Jade ('Some fantasies go too far...' Doesn't it sound just like me? Hehe), Anger Management, X-Men 2 (Storm rules, babe!) and Daredevil (My all time favorite comics’ hero).

Unfamiliar with any of these? Try www.imdb.com!!!

Oh, so tired, so tired, so tired... Geez, I don't know what is happening to Singapore Airlines! Lately, all flights suffer some sort of delay! The exception became the rule. There's always some passenger missing, some 'main control' issue or some luggage that has to be identified and removed. Check this: the flight to Malaysia is only 50 minutes long; our plane was supposed to take off 8:45 but only did at 9:15 - that's 30 minutes, more than half of the flight! There should reimburse passengers for the delay they cause...

Arrgh!!! This SARS thing is really getting to my nerves! If it was not enough to have to go for medical checks and a mask in Thailand, now to enter Singapore one has to fill in a health control form. As if the form would really make a difference. I mean, people lie! Do you really think anyone with SARS symptoms would mention it in the form? If they wouldn't mention it without being asked, would they because they were given a form? During the flight, this guy sitting across from me switched on his mobile, sent a SMS and switched it off again. We all know mobiles are to be off at all times. If he does that, not really concerned about other people, would you expect him to be honest when filling in a form? Humph!!!

I was supposed to call Melody and didn't. It wasn't my intention; it just happened. She wants to go to Singapore; changed her mind, it seems. At first she was scared of SARS but something happened and SARS is not such a big issue anymore. I like her a lot, but I'm not sure she is what I am looking for. She is less shy than Goy but does that mean she can cope with the task? I'm not sure... And would her presence impact my search? It would be nice to have company but what happens when I finally find what I'm looking for? If I know her well enough, she'll be devastated and I don't want to break her heart. Then, she might turn bitter and I just can't handle that - had enough of that already. So, what am I to do? Turn her down on her plea to come to Singapore? I do not know if Goy is coming and if she isn't, it would be nice to have Melody around. Funny... Last time we met, she was so careful not to get too close... Maybe she just doesn't want to fall in love... Or would there be more to it than what it seems?

Time to go back home. Goy was kind enough to bring me to the airport. She is very sweet, a really good girl. That is good and bad. I wish she was more daring, less shy. I do not like dealing with shy girls... But anyway, I'll miss her. I'm not sure for how long, but I'll miss her. Sad as it is, relationships are like flowers: they need attention, caring, nurturing or they die. Just as I told Nat, during the first week I'll miss her every hour; the second week I'll miss her every day... On the third week apart, I'll miss her now and then. I know it's sad, but it's true and I'll won't lie about it. I told her, if she had her passport, I'd buy a ticket for her to come back with me. But it seems things are not so easy... There's some sort of trouble with her ID card. She says she was involved in an accident and has to report to the authorities in Chiang Rai. I hope it's nothing serious...

I get attached so easily! Just give me some attention and I'm hooked. I know it shouldn't be like this, but what am I to do? Goy has been good company these past few days. She is pretty (not exactly 'drop dead gorgeous' but I never really cared about small things), a bit to the plump side (which is quite to my liking, I might have mentioned) and, the most important thing, she is very loving. She likes cuddling, leans on me all the time and always has a smile for me. How could I possibly resist her? We've been together for three days and I've been having a wonderful time. Now, as the time approaches that I'll have to leave, I begin to miss her... How long will this feeling last? I don't know. And I wonder what will happen. I almost invited her to come to Singapore with me... Good Lord, I have inviting so many people. I must really be desperate!

Melody, my Philippina friend, had a change of heart. She now wants to go to Singapore. At first she was scared of SARS, now something made her change her mind. She even mentioned it doesn't matter if I find a girlfriend. She says she can't stand the Philippines any more. That worries me a bit...

Early day in Bangkok... I here I am at St. Paul's Hospital, wearing a face mask, in a room designated for people coming from SARS infected countries, awaiting a doctor who is going to ask me three questions which I will answer negatively. She’ll check my temperature and declare I am SARS free and able to work…

- Did you have fever the last few days?
- No.
- Did you have cough or running nose?
- No.
- Did you get any contact with a SARS patient?
- No.
- Let me see that thermometer, now… Hmmm… Yeah! You’re fine. Bye.

And that was it. Now I can go on site and start what I came here to do… (sighs)

Ingrid: Don’t do it again, Astrid…
Astrid: Do what again?
Ingrid: Attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely…
(White Oleander, 2002)

I was tired but forced myself to go out. I wanted to see Bangkok again. So I decided I could pay Nat a visit. Perhaps look for Beem as well, though I didn’t expect to find her. As it turned out, Nat was available for a quick chat and a drink but Beem was nowhere to be found. Such a pity… I was hoping she would be there. Her friends said she was sick and had returned home, up country. But I don’t know. When I called, some guy answered the phone. She said it was her brother. But it sure did not sound like it…

I was thinking of inviting her to come to Singapore with me. I could use the company and I am sure she wouldn’t mind. However, after the phone call I started thinking… Maybe I think too much. Yeah… Maybe…

Anyway, bringing her to Singapore would be using her, wouldn’t it? It’s undeniable it would be mutual: she would be using me too, but do we really understand this “using” people thing? Let think about it for a moment, shall we?

I need company. She wants to experience new things. I am not really interested in her, emotionally. She is probably more interested in enjoying whatever opportunity of being out of Thailand she can have. We both know we are using each other. Does that make it “OK”? Is it ok to “use” people when they know they are being used?

“Hi, let’s make a deal, we stay together while it’s convenient for the both of us; not any longer, ok?”

Geez, sounds silly but aren’t all relationships like this? Think about your job, for example. Your company pays you because you are useful. When you stop being useful or when someone with same characteristics and charging less appears - POW - you are history. And from your perspective, if you were to be offered a better salary, working less, perhaps in a more pleasant environment, wouldn’t you quit your job and move? Don’t you and your company both understand this???

Is it really different with people? J used me and I used her. She put me up when I was down and I took her in, away from the problems she had. Now, thinking about it, why aren’t we together anymore??? Because we do not *need* each other anymore. Or at least, not the way we both needed each other before. I solved my problems. She solved hers. If we were together for sometime after that it was because in the process of solving our mutual problems I started loving her. But that was something that wasn’t mutual. And as a result, we’re not together anymore. I started needing her love and she had other needs I could not fulfil.

I guess we were both floating logs during a huge flood. We both served our purpose. Reminds me of Tom Hanks’ “Cast Away”… Remember when he leaves the island and his ‘friend’, the ball, floats away? He gets desperate, trying to reach and ‘save’ him… This is what happened when J and I parted ways. I was desperate trying to ‘save’ her, keep her with me. But she was wiser. She had a better understanding of our relationship. She was eager to ‘float’ away. And I missed her...

But life imitates art. And my movie is not over yet…

---

Oh, yeah, and before I forget it… Prang sent me a message. Someone might have told her I was in Bangkok again. Funny… She vanished without a word and just like that, out of the blue, sends me a message saying “I miss you; I did not forget you. You forgot about me”. I guess she was done using whoever she was using and saw the opportunity of using me again. Well… Maybe some other time, Prang… Not this time…

So, here I am, back in Thailand. Geez, it’s good to be able to travel again. Not that I wasn’t enjoying being home, but being alone was getting to my nerves. I told you before: I like being alone BUT when it’s my choice to do so! Isn’t it sad when you really need company and there is no one around? When you need to talk, see someone, feel you are not alone. Of course I know we are never really alone. How could we be? Hello!!! Six billion people are trying hard not to bump into each other every single day. How can one be alone? (Or as Louis would say: Izziiiit??? How can one?)

But, yeah, so it happens that sometimes, even with all the crowd moving around every second, we sometimes feel there is no one like us in the entire world. (sighs) I wonder what Schopenhauer has to say about it… Hmmm… Maybe I should look into that. Or maybe not!

My friend did not right me back. Part of me says she needs this distance. Part of me says she thinks I’m a freak. Part of me worries she might not be well. Part of me says she’s doing fine and it’s just that life has been hectic. Maybe all of the above are true. That’s what another part of me says matter-of-factly. Who knows? I wish I did.

But it’s ok. Life goes on. And we learn, whether we like it or not…

For a long time, the western world believed we had just one life to live. You’d be born, would live your life the best you could trying hard not to get God pissed; you’d do a lot of praying to prove to God and yourself you were truly sorry about stupid things you did and then, when you died, that was it. You’d go to heaven, purgatory or hell while you waited for the judgment day. Pretty simple and straight forward.

Then, men, eternally curious about things, started asking questions. Questions like “How come God, being pure Love and Forgiveness, will take away the life of some poor innocent newly-born while some worthless scumbags sometimes live ‘forever’?”. And that would generate infinite quarrels over the ‘fairness’ of the entire process. It did not sound too right. Something was missing. “Why will some honest, hard working, God fearing people suffer throughout their entire lives while others will live happily regardless how skewed, degraded, immoral and far from God they are?” “Why are some of us so fortunate while others are doomed to be miserable?”… Yeah… Something had to be missing.

Then, someone very smart or ingenious came up with this explanation: The soul is immortal. When you die, it’s not necessarily over. You get a chance to do it right, in case you did it wrong. Or to try new things, new life styles, new experiences. Sometimes, even by option, learning through suffering. God is so cool She/He will actually let you do it. Give you this opportunity to learn through your mistakes. The trick was, you would have to pass away, go through some sort of souls-only washing machine and then come back. Fresh. In a new body. Untainted. Starting all over again.

Of course it sounded crazy. But, if true, it would explain a lot of the day-to-day injustices we see. Based on this new theory, you could say things like “See that man with that too-rare-to-be-named disease? He might have done something very bad last time he was around…” or “Those who die young are the ones God loves most” (Greek proverb). The entire thing did not sound unfair anymore. There would be a reason behind diseases, suffering, and pain. The reason being “it’s part of a learning process”. And it’s just something you have to do. Just like being in a school, where you have to learn even things you do not like to graduate. This new ‘thing’ was called re-incarnation. Pretty cool, huh?

- Now, let me think for a moment… You mean to say “we all die but come back”?
- Yep.
- Just “lai dat”? (you’d say in good Singlish)
- Yep.
- So, it’s always us around???
- So it seems! Yeah.
- Ok… But… I am confused… If we are always coming back… if it’s always just us… how come the global population is always growing? How can we have more souls coming back than going? If this is a school, shouldn’t be the other way around? As soon as you ‘graduate’ you’re out of here???
- Erm… Well… I mean… Hold on lemme think… … … Geez! I dunno!!!

Are you still reading? Good, because this is exactly where I wanted to get. Some say there is some sort of ‘soul factory’. A place where ‘souls’ are created. Further more, they are not created brand new. They are reconditioned. And what are they made of? Souls, of course!!! The recipe is somewhat like this: You get a soul. You put it through the ‘Soul-o-matic’. The machine analyses the soul’s purity, quality, experiences acquired in the last learning processes etc, then carefully cuts it in half making sure things are well divided and that both halves can exist apart from each other, no problem. Each piece becomes a new ‘old soul’, retaining some of its original characteristics and some of the life experiences it had before. These halves receive a unique symbol they are able to match in case they meet again and then they are named ‘soul mates’. That’s why the population is growing, see? Easy!

The problem is, all separations leave scars and a feeling of absence. And these souls tend to look for each other so as to have the feeling of ‘completeness’ again. It’s almost like a hide-and-seek game, because we never know where the other half will show up. And we play this game until we either find our soul mate or we give up.

And how do we know we found our ‘other half’? “By matching the unique symbol” you’d say! Right! Perfect. But once we are trapped in our physical bodies, it’s really hard to see it. It’s just above the right shoulder, actually; Some funny looking kind of ‘light’, they say. But most of us just cannot see it!!!

Well, there are other ways to identify our soul mates. But, gotta tell ya, it’s not so easy. Since asking would be weird (“Hi, do you happen to be my soul mate?”) and trying out every single person alive is impossible (“Sorry, darling, it’s not you… NEXT!”), we follow our instincts and filter out those souls with characteristics we really think have nothing to do with us. That can also be risky, because we can never tell what part of us was entirely given to the other half, but it’s the best we can do, I guess. It can take quite a while, a life time to be more precise, to find your soul mate. Sometimes you don’t even succeed. And to make the game even more interesting, sometimes you find her and you just don’t realise.

- Say, WHAT??? You find it and don’t realize it?
- Yeah… Sad, ain’t it?
- No! Not sad: Stupid, that is!!!
- It happens…
- But WHY???

You see, once divided, souls are independent. They continue their learning process in different paths, different rhythms, different learning speeds and even different subjects. And sometimes it just happens that when they meet… well, they are not really “ready” to meet.

- Can not, lah!!! So how? What happens, then?
- They let go. Maybe the best thing to do… And they keep searching.
- I’ll never understand… why keep searching if you already found it?
- Hold on! Do not be fooled! There is hardly a guarantee that you actually ‘found’ it. Maybe you were misled by the signals. Maybe you just found some soul that is very compatible to yours (remember, we all come from the same source, Love).
- Yeah, but what if the one you found was reaaaaaally the one you were looking for? Your true, original, reconditioned soul mate?
- In that case, don’t worry. The universe conspires for you two to meet again. And maybe next time, you will both be ready…

And I let him leave with a smile while I ponder if that last statement was really true…

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”. (Maya Angelou)

Good For Your Soul (by Oingo Boingo)

Have you ever felt that somehow
you were not yourself?
That your body was the same
but everything around you wasn't right?
And images so strange and foreign
Flooded in like raging water?

Have you ever been in love
with someone you hardly knew?
Whereas every time you closed your eyes,
you saw this person come alive?
It kept you wide awake at night.
You felt like you were burning up.
In pain, you want to scream...
Then you passed out in a dream?

CHORUS:
Just once or twice is good for your soul
Just once or twice is good for your soul
If you don't stop, you'll lose control
Just once or twice is good for your soul

Every lay there half asleep all hours of the night?
With some nagging demon tugging at that tiny bell
inside your mind?
When suddenly that strange idea
bursts into an inspiration!
You grab for it and then...
The whole thing slips right through your fingers.

CHORUS

Just once or twice is good for your soul
Just once or twice is good for your soul
Just once or twice is good for your soul
Just once or twice is good for your soul
It's good for your soul
It's good for your soul
It's good for your soul
It's good for your soul

“I'm on the outside, I'm on the outside now
This is where it all begins on the outside looking in
Looking in
At you
I'm just an alien through and through
Tryin' to make believe I'm you
Tryin' to fit
Just a stranger on the outside looking in…”
(On the Outside, Oingo Boingo)

So life is to be lived one day at a time. One step after the other. Ok… “Baby steps to the door, baby steps to the corridor, baby steps to the world”? Sometimes don’t you just wish you had longer legs? I know it sounds odd coming from a guy who’s always complaining the world goes way too fast for us to enjoy. But, how long a minute lasts, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on, right?

I know I am not making much sense, but do I ever? It’s just that something happened. Nothing much, you would say, but it is something for me. It was just an email I got. Yeah, I know that, just like anyone else, I receive loads of them daily. But this particular email… Ah, this one was special. This one came from someone very far but I that somehow feel very close. Nopes, you haven’t been introduced yet. Erm… Quite honestly, neither have I. I mean, not properly.

“Hello! How do you do? My name is Wolf; What’s your name? Nice to meet you”… Just like in that old red-cover book I used in my first year at the British school. “Sally is a typist! Bob is a Van Driver!” - Geez, being a van driver used to be a profession. And so was being a typist! Things were so simple back then. How the heck did they get so complicated suddenly? Or was I napping for the last 20-Something years?

Anyway, “There is something about Mary”… She’s a sorcerer, maybe. And right now I’m under her spell. And I never even met her. It’s just that she seems to have so much to say. And seems to be the kind of person who really says things that matter. Then again, maybe not! It might be just my imagination projecting what I would like to find in her. Could that be the case? How come it didn’t happen before? At least not like this. Holy smokes! I am really going bananas!!!

Better let it go for a moment. Thinking too much about it won’t do me any good. Won’t help her any, either. If I keep thinking about her too much, the poor thing will start having strange headaches for no apparent reason. It would be a sin to have this happen to her. Even if I’m only thinking good thoughts.

ENOUGH!

My dream house… Did I ever mention my dream house? The place where I want to spend the rest of my earthly days? I do not recall mentioning it. Well, if I did, just skip the post. If not, here’s a picture.

It will be a two story house. Big in the sense of spacious. Rooms will be big so I won’t have the feeling I am confined. It doesn’t matter furniture will look so small or just not enough. I need all the space I can have without being sumptuous. I do not need to impress anyone. I just need space. I like that.

It will sit in front of a lake and it will have the woods for backyard. The house will be lifted from the ground. Not too much. Just a bit. Again, not much. Maybe half a meter or so. Not because of floods but so small animals from the woods will look for shelter underneath it and not inside it. And I am not expecting big animals. I want the woods for backyard, not a forest.

My nearest neighbour will live 2 or 3 kilometres away and if possible, I don’t even want be able to see his house. The place will be so quite that during the night, I will be able to listen to the world speaking. No noise. No sound of cars or people or the annoying humming sound from cities. I will be able to hear nature. Crickets from a distance. The wind. And the sound coming from the lake.

My living room will have a fireplace and during cold winter nights, it will keep the house warm. Before heading to bed, I will sometimes sit on the comfortable sofa facing the fireplace and gaze at the wood burning, listening to its sounds. During summer time, all windows will be fully open to let the breeze ventilate the house. And the windows shall be huge wide windows. From floor to ceiling, if possible so doors will not be a necessity.

My home office will be on the second floor, facing the lake. And I will have a reading room and a music room as well. All the rooms on the second floor will be connected by the balcony, where wooden rocking chairs, small round tables and recliners will be available. Solar cells will provide energy for the boilers and heaters in the house. Air-conditioning system will not be required, neither in the common areas nor on the four suites.

Three things left to say:

1) Though far from the city and all its noise, the house will have all the modern life facilities. Or do you think I can survive without the Internet, Cable TV and other modern life amenities? I never said I wanted to be a hermit!

2) No, I will not be alone. My lovely wife and charming kids will be there with me. I am yet to meet her, but then again, the house is yet to be finished.

3) You might be thinking “Dream on… It doesn’t hurt” and I do understand your scepticism. But remember, all that *is* now was once a dream in someone’s creative imagination…

In my life, I have noticed, things change every seven years. Maybe it’s just a coincidence or maybe not. I do not recall what the change was when I was 7 but I do remember the big change shortly after my 14th birthday: my parents got divorced. Being a teenager I had a hard time adjusting to the new situation. Pretty much because everything seemed to be so normal at home. I mean, there were no signs it was about to happen. But is not what I want to discuss right now; I am talking about the changes… After my 21st birthday I got married. New change, new life. Those changes did not happen over night, of course, but curiously enough they all happened in this seven year cycle.

Well, last year I turned 35 and I must confess I was awaiting the big change to hit me. I though “life is going to change again” and I wondered what destiny had is store for me. But until now, I thought, nothing had happened and that only added to the apprehensiveness of my situation. Then, today it struck me that the change might have already happened.

It crossed my mind while letting my mind wander that J left shortly after my 35th birthday. And ever since, I’ve been trying hard to figure out what to do about it. I tried dating, I tried having fun, I have been fighting depression. I tried meeting people, I tried being alone I even tried ‘renting’ company. All to no avail. Maybe THIS is the change, this time so subtle I did not recognize it. My life has changed again. Or maybe it is still in the process. Am I getting ready for something different? Am I to learn how to stand on my own? It would be good for a change.

I never really knew how to be alone. Blame it on anything you want. Psychologists would say it’s because of unresolved issues with my parents divorce. Nah, I don’t think so. Some would say it’s because I was born under the sign of Libra and Libra man just can’t cope with being alone. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it’s just my loving romantic nature. Who knows? I really don’t. And I couldn’t care less. It’s just how I am. I love being alone but when it’s my own choice when I need time for myself. Being alone because I just don’t have anyone to be with never sounded right. Still doesn’t. But maybe, just maybe, this is the change I have to face. Maybe this is what I need to learn to move on with my life. Perhaps it’s my wake up call. And I’ve been delaying this change because I cannot “let go”.

I will have to think this over… Yeah… I think I will have to…